'AITA for excluding my stepdaughter’s mom from her bday dinner (and canceling it altogether)?'

"AITA for not allowing my stepdaughter’s mom to attend her birthday dinner (and canceling it altogether)?"

Every year in our family, we celebrate birthdays by taking the birthday person out to dinner wherever they want to go. This year, my stepdaughter wanted her mom to come along.

In the past, we have allowed her mom to attend events we’ve hosted. Every single time she has been rude, dismissive, and on some occasions has even made negative comments about me to others. Meanwhile, she hosts events for the kids and has never once invited us.

Despite that, we’ve continued to extend the invitation to her. The last straw was when she told someone she wishes something would happen to me, after that we stopped inviting her. We don’t want someone at an event we’re hosting if they have so much hate for us and are going to bring negativity and badmouth us.

Last year, we hosted my stepdaughter’s birthday a week early so she could spend her actual birthday with her mom. Still, she was upset that her mom couldn’t come to our celebration. She tells us herself how her mom constantly talks badly about us, but when it comes down to it, she still wants her mom included in our events but never the other way around.

Now, after already celebrating with her mom yesterday, she asked if her mom could also come to today’s birthday dinner. When we said no, she told us she’d rather spend her actual birthday with her mom instead of coming to dinner with us. My husband is really hurt because he feels like she’s treating him as “second best” and holding us to a standard she doesn’t hold her mom to.

I understand that kids often give the less involved parent a pass while holding the more present parent to higher expectations. But it’s exhausting and honestly painful to feel like no matter what we do, we’re always second fiddle. We’ve done almost everything for the kids while their mom does the bare minimum, yet she gets the praise, and we’re made to feel like the bad guys.

So we’re contemplating not having the birthday dinner at all this year (Daughter is 17 btw). AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Mistyam said:

NTA- You don't owe her a birthday dinner. She is the one choosing not to go.

Sue323464 said:

Stepdaughter wished not to celebrate with you by giving an ultimatum. Give her that wish. Consequences that sting are lessons learned.

Fresh-Bowl3753 said:

My guess is the mom uses manipulation to make your stepdaughter feel badly for her being ‘left out’ when she isn’t invited. While she is only 17 and probably somewhat recognizes she is being played by her mother….. it is still her mother and the manipulation works.

She is also old enough to understand that her mom and dad are no longer together for a reason, while in the future yall may need to be together for big events such as graduation, weddings, et….A birthday does not fall into those large events categories and you will not be sharing those times. If the daughter really wants to skip her dinner and be with her mom, let her.

OP responded:

We had no issue with her spending the day with her mom, she’s 17 with a car, she can see her whenever. The problem was that she wanted her mom at our birthday dinner. When we said no, she canceled dinner with us and assumed we’d reschedule. My husband doesn’t want to reschedule at all.

She spent most of the day with her older sister, didn’t even get to her mom’s until late, then stayed the night there without telling us (she lives with us). It feels like she’s just trying to get a reaction, which is why we didn’t reach out to inquire about when she’d be coming home. My husband and I are hurt, but I’ve suggested we don’t feed into it or show her how much it stung as she has done similar in the past.

Shipping_Lady71 said:

How long have they been divorced? If she is very young I would understand it, but if she's a teenager she's old enough to reason with. If she refuses to do dinner without her mother, then she's being difficult. You are NTA, clearly birth mom is.

OP responded:

They’ve been divorced for nearly 15 years. He and I together 12

MistakeNice1466 said:

This may be a case of losing is winning. Ex mom has found something that creates a conflict. Graciously drop the dinner and say sure honey, whatever you want. I dont think the special day with mom will be what either of them imagine. The whole point here is the conflict. So remove the conflict. They are left with each other. Be as contrite and accommodating as you can.

But my take here is that as soon as its no longer a source of conflict, it becomes a non-issue. This tactic works spectacularly on any situation where the conflict is the point. Just let them win. Often its such a stupid position it becomes a loss for them.

OP responded:

This has worked in the past. They didn’t go out for dinner, mom had no plans for her at all. Daughter rode around getting birthday freebies with her older sister and went to her mom’s late evening. We did decide to forego dinner for her. We will give her cake and a card and call it a day.

MidiReader said:

NTA, let her go to mommy dearest and you two go out somewhere nice on a date by yourselves and enjoy it!

OP responded:

That’s what we did.

And ImaBitchCaroleBaskin said:

Oh dear God. Reading this, I thought the daughter was 7! This is way too much from a 17 year old. Stop trying to please her, she's her mom's puppet.

Thoughts?