'AITA for refusing to allow my stepmom to attend my wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for not allowing my stepmom to be invited to my wedding?"

So I'm a 43F happy in love and agreed to marry a 37M. My stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 19. We never lived under the same roof. We never really got along, for my dad's sake I always let it slide. But she’s done inappropriate things like tell me “You’re too old to wear a skirt that length” (to my knees) or tell me my life choices were wrong (midlife crisis - I just went to nursing school).

My dad isn’t innocent, he would always be there pretending he didn’t notice (he’s not that dumb - he knew she was inappropriate). The final straw was when she angrily tried to tell me I was being a dependent loser like my mother and should move out alone when my fiance and I were going through a rough patch.

The kicker: my mother (whom my stepmom knows I’m very close to) HAD BEEN DEAD FOR LESS THAN A YEAR at this point! (tragic and sudden)

I realized: I’m an adult. It's high time I stand up for myself. Now, I simply do not allow that woman in my life. When I graduated from nursing school, I invited my father but told him she’s not allowed. In return he refused to come. I said ‘okay’ and let it be.

Now, the man (aforementioned 37M) who has been with me through it all, took me on a trip to the U.K. and at a beautiful waterfall in Scotland asked me to be his wife.

I’m looking at all-inclusive venues in Colorado. We want an intimate ceremony, just close family and friends. Around 20 guests. I made a list of questions (for when we talk with the venues) and potential guest list and shared the document with my father (and future SIL). My dad changed the guest list to add my stepmom and emailed me “You should invite her. It’s the polite thing to do.”

That language in an email makes it sound (to me) as if my dad thinks I wronged my stepmom. I realize I could be the bigger person, but I feel like her presence at my wedding would be an insult to my dead mother’s memory. And I’m somewhat sensitive and feel deeply, I would be uncomfortable with her there. It’s MY day. I don’t want that.

Maybe if it was a big wedding with 200 guests, but small and intimate? I couldn’t avoid her and not feel uncomfortable. (fyi my dad walking me down the aisle won’t matter, we’re bucking a lot of traditions and, please, I’m in my forties)

But am I going too far by standing firm that my stepmom not attend?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

girlyborb said:

NTA. You are paying for the wedding. It's a big day for you and your fiance. Don't feel obligated to share it with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Ask your father if his wife's feeling matter more than his daughter's feelings. And if he can't pick between the two of you, then there is a huge issue.

Acrobatic_Chef180 said:

If my dad sided with a woman who treated me like that, I wouldn’t care if he didn’t attend.

Don’t invite her.

NotMyMonkies31 said:

NTA, there’s no coming back from her calling you a “dependent loser” like your dead mother. You are having a small intimate wedding with your closest people, and she’s not one of them. If your father can’t respect that then he’s TA. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a long happy life together ❤️❤️

Shichimi88 said:

Nta. But be prepared your dad won’t attend.

And No-Assignment5538 said:

NTA. Edit your invite list back to remove her and make it read-only for your father and SIL, they should not get a vote on your guests, it is your wedding, the only people who get input are you and your fiance. Be prepared that your Father may not attend, however you do no owe your step mom an invite.

She later shared this update:

First about wanting my father there, I understand he shouldn’t be allowed, but he’s my only living parent, I guess I’m being a biological sucker. He was never terrible. Plus, I have a slightly special needs brother (rare condition that makes him mentally slow and physically uncoordinated) I worry if things get very bad, he’ll make my brother's attendance non-existent.

Also, I have made it clear how I feel. When I graduated nursing school I told my dad in a succinct but stern way (I was happy with how this went, I was worried I would let my emotions get away with me but I just stuck to the point) where I basically told him that “If you had ever stood up for your blood, things would be different, but here we are.” That’s when he refused to come and I let it be.

So the update, first off, know that my dad has verbally committed 12,000 to my wedding because that's how much he gave for my stepsister's wedding in 2013 (and she's now divorced). I replied to his email in a way that may be petty of me but I feel like I’m making it known that I’m standing my ground in a way that my (financially driven) father will understand:

“Initially, I was (and still am) uncomfortable with how this email is worded. That I need to be 'polite' implies that I wronged her. Whereas I'm not the one who has said inappropriate things with my father there, not saying anything.

So here's the deal: when my stepsister got married a decade ago, $12,000 had the same buying power as $16,834.18 did last month. Commit at least that amount to my wedding and I will send your wife an invite.” I’m prepared for him to not attend and we can pay just fine without his $$ commitment. But, did I go too far?

What do you think? Did she go too far?