Expectant mother's birth blessing becomes a nightmare when doctor MIL forces entry. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not allowing my partner to be at the birth of our child?"
Hi all. This is really fresh and I am currently still very emotional from it all. Please forgive me if it seems like I am rambling. I’m also excluding the majority of the background because I don’t want to distress myself further.
I am due to give birth to my second child any day now. I’m a little worried that all my emotions from today may send me into labour. Not ideal. My Partner (I use the word loosely because I’m not really sure if I want him to be that) has a narcissistic, abusive Mother.
She is a vile woman. She tormented me during my first pregnancy and Postpartum. My Partner cut her off then, and for the most part, I had peace. She has slowly been worming her way back into our lives.
I never hated her until she made me feel like I was less than a human. My Partner is overly defensive about her, partially because he is in denial about the emotional abuse and neglect he experienced growing up. She is the cause of a lot of our disagreements. I just found out that my Partner has been deliberately withholding information from me.
One of the major factors that lead to me resenting his Mother was the fact that she turned up at the hospital after I had given birth. She made her way to my ward and into my room, knowing it was against my wishes to have any visitors.
She had argued with me about it for months. It turns out he knew she was coming. He knew and didn’t say anything. He told me less than an hour ago. I am so hurt by him. I feel betrayed.
My family were incredibly angry with me because they thought I prioritised my In Laws over them. They had been told I did not want visitors and were happy to respect my wishes. I don’t blame them for feeling slighted.
He prioritized his Mother over my wishes. Over my needs. He let my family blame me and said nothing for over 2 years, knowing he could have prevented it. I have told him he cannot come to the birth of our second and that my first-born and I will be leaving once I can pack the things up.
She told me that she did not care about my wishes. She told me how her happiness mattered more than mine. She told me that my stance was ridiculous and that she needs to be there to meet her baby. She told me that wanting space to adjust was “unnecessary”. She told me that I was being delusional to think I could keep her away.
He knew about all of this. He knew and he still gave her what she wanted. He knew about this and lied to me. I cannot trust him to be at the hospital with me. I do not want to see his face as I am having my surgery. I do not have anyone else, but I’d rather be alone than be with him. Does this make me TA? I feel awful for even wanting to do this. This has devastated me.
ETA:
All the stuff she said was when I was pregnant with my first. I had antenatal anxiety and she used this against me. She would trigger attacks and then call me “mental” in order to get her to side with him.
He was not sure what to believe and cut her off because he did not think I was lying. She works at the hospital where I had my baby (Doctor). I did tell the staff about the no visitors rule, but she can bypass it with her access card.
I’m not sure if he kept quiet to avoid a scene in front of colleagues (he also works there). The fact they argued made me think he didn’t know and she did it because he went LC. I cannot change hospitals because I am high risk and under the care of specific Doctors. My plan has been created, and I have to stay put.
ETA 2:
For those requesting I report her for accessing my records, it has already been reported and is being investigated. In terms of reporting her accessing my room, I will speak with the hospital in the morning.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. Just tell the labor and delivery crew you don’t want anyone there. They’ll keep them out.
Nice-Outcome2237 (OP)
I told the staff the first time.
She works at the hospital. That’s how she got access the last time.
NTA.
Do what you need to do to have a safe and peaceful delivery and postpartum.
He’s a liar and he’s ok with her mistreating you...
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Hello again. This is a small update from me for those who were wondering. Firstly, I contacted the Hospital about my upcoming admission. I was redirected to a Safeguarding line and explained the situation. They have confirmed my file is still showing as “locked” and have taken her details in order to ensure she is prevented access to me.
I’m not sure if this will guarantee she stays away, but if she doesn’t, I will not be accountable or to blame for the consequences of her actions. Secondly, I did contact the Hospital about the previous incident.
They are being shifty to say the least. They do not want to take the complaint because I “should have contacted them there and then” (which I have already explained).
It was then that they did not want to take it because a member of staff was involved and that wasn’t what they deal with. (I have been sure to get their refusal in writing). I was passed around to various other departments, one has agreed to look into the previous incident if she violates my request a second time.
Thirdly, I have spoken to my Lawyers about quite a few things. I have sent everything to my Lawyer. I cannot disclose them on here, but now everything is being set in motion. Finally, this is the update that will get a lot of backlash from most of you… My MIL has my hospital date.
She sent a message stating that she found it out from someone she works with (They were named in the message. I’m not entirely sure why that person had it to begin with). There was also a mention of how she will already be working on that day. You can pretty much guess where this is going…
I cannot do anything about it this weekend, but I will be contacting the Hospital and my Lawyers on Monday. I’m not sure if I missed anything. My brain is sleep deprived right now. I’ll add it if I am reminded or suddenly remember.
ETA:
Covering some repeated mentions again. I’m British! Some stuff you all are saying applies, some does not. I appreciate it, but my Lawyers are on top of everything and I have been sending the necessary documents, etc.
Hospital change is not an option. As per the previous posts, this is the best hospital for me to be at. If anything were to happen, I would be transferred back there either way. Hospitals here are in trusts. She can access both that offer maternity services, and the others are too far for me to get to.
To be strictly clear - My Partner did not tell her my date. I know I wrote it above, but some comments are still suggesting it was him. It was definitely not. She sent the name of the person in the messages she wrote to him. This person is from her department. I cannot remember her exact job role but I know she is in a senior position.
ETA 2:
I knew I forgot something! My Aunt is trying to swap her shifts at work to be with me. My issue is that I do not really want anyone with me during the actual surgery. The only person I would want there is my Partner.
Right now, still a massive “NO” from me, and he is respecting that. (My Mother would faint. She couldn’t even look at the pictures of my first-born if he had not yet been cleaned up.)
Post-surgery, I won’t be able to walk and will be a sitting duck. This is when my MIL is most likely to make her appearance. I hope she has sense enough to stay away this time, but I am a realist. She will try to come no matter what.
I am mostly concerned about not having anyone around because I know I will want to shower at some point, but I won’t be able to if my baby is not supervised. I will have two private Nurses, but I know they are not people I can realistically trust to confront my MIL if I am not present.
Some have suggested Doulas. I started to look into it yesterday and will continue to research before the weekend is over. I am really disheartened about having to compromise on my boundary. My child is more important to me, and for their sake I will do what I have to.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Contact your lawyer on Monday, and let him contact the hospital. You need to run everything through your lawyer from here on out. Believe me, they're documenting everything, and if you make any minor mistake at all, it'll be used to discredit you if you wind up in court. Best of luck. And find a different hospital if you can.
Call the police and request a restraining order. I work for PD and the court will grant you that.
NTA - I would recommend moving your date up by 1 day but your POS partner will just tell her. Unless…you have a friend who can sneak you out and to the hospital a day early.
Two days later, the OP returned with a final update.
Hi again, another update from me! I hope I am not boring you all with them. I made a decision in relation to the hospital and my family. Before I get into that, I do want to say that this was never something taken lightly.
I would never want to deprive my Partner of the opportunity to be there when our children are born. It is a once in a lifetime event (no matter how many children you have. You can only be there for that child once).
The reason it was considered is because I cannot have someone who treated me, and has since treated me, the way my MIL does around me. Nor would I be willing to have someone who enabled her in getting her way, by my side, especially when what I need is someone I can trust.
I was still going to allow him to sign the birth certificate after the fact. He is their Dad and they are not a pawn. Custody is a whole other matter, but as I would recommend to most people, always look into it even if you have no intention of separating.
It will give you clarity on your position. We already have a pre-existing agreement that we both are happy to abide by. Now for the decision. I am allowing him to be present. However, my Aunt will also be there in the event he proves incapable of dealing with my MIL. She will not hesitate to advocate for us all, and she will defend my Partner if my MIL tries to get to him.
He has shown me his commitment to our family over the past couple of years. He was willing to miss the birth because he understood how much his actions have impacted me. He has also said he will look into therapy for his personal development.
He has given me space to come to this decision on my own. I feel it is the best one for our family. I did speak to him about the previous incident yesterday afternoon. My Aunt was right about him not being entirely to blame. A lot of it comes down to timings, circumstances, what I witnessed, and what he has told me.
He had seen a message from her to say she was on her way to my room and not replied because he was helping me. He did not see the second message where she essentially told him that neither of us was going to prevent her from having her way until after she had already left.
It was a case of him knowing, not agreeing that she could come. The fact he did not speak up when he realised she was in the room and she had picked up our baby was another fault he has accepted. However, he did leave to confront her after a Nurse arrived to take over.
With this, I would be a complete Monster to keep him away. He is and will continue to be my Partner. I never blamed him for my MILs actions. She deserves to, and will be held accountable for herself.
Yes, he lied to me by keeping quiet. Yes, he deceived my family by not correcting them and letting me take the blame. He has said he will speak to them and accept the consequences of his actions.
My MIL decided to contact me directly yesterday evening (I did have her blocked for calls and texts, it seems I forgot about an app. It has been rectified). Safe to say I have a lot to update my Lawyers with.
My Partner is aware of what I am doing and fully supports it. If you’re disappointed in my choice, that is fine. I am the one that will have to live with it. Also, if this makes little sense, please forgive me. I am quite drained.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s final update:
No one is disappointed in you.
Have the baby and take care of yourself. You are precious.
This is how healthy relationships course-correct—with accountability, not ultimatums. You’re not a monster for setting boundaries, and he’s proving he’s not one by respecting them. The real villain here is your MIL, who apparently missed the memo that newborns aren’t community property.
Having your aunt as backup is genius. Every delivery room needs a designated Mama Bear to yet toxic energy into the sun. Wishing you a peaceful birth and a MIL-free bubble.
As a mother: You are doing the right thing. I said it on your last post, I wouldn’t want my husband to miss it, just because of his mother. You are both giving her too much power if you do that.
It’s good that your aunt will be there. Sue the MIL if she does something like that again. Focus on yourself. On your relationship. On your baby. I wish you an easy birth, a handy baby and a strong husband who will stay at your side and rub your back while MIL learns her lesson.