'AITA for not allowing my sister’s polycule around my children?' UPDATED

"AITA for not allowing my sister’s polycule around my children?"

I (33M) have always been decently close with my sister (35F), but over the past 5-ish years, we’ve grown apart significantly. The driving force of that has been the way she handles her newfound relationship preferences. She is polyamorous, and that’s fine. I’m a gay man, I’ve been around plenty of unconventional relationship dynamics, what consenting adults do doesn’t bother me, etc.

The problem lies in the fact that she insists that polyamory is “part of her orientation.” We have had the discussion many times about how polyamory might be her preferred relationship structure, but it’s not an integral, built-in part of her like s*xuality is. She disagrees, and that makes me uncomfortable.

My husband and I have two children. Our youngest is about to turn one, and we’re planning a small birthday get-together. My sister is currently dating two men. My mom is attempting to be supportive and has been encouraging me to invite all three of them. I ended up inviting my sister alone.

My sister told me that was ridiculous, that they’ve been together for a year and a half, and that her boyfriends should be included in family events. I told her when she decides which one she’s marrying, an invitation to all future events will be extended to that boyfriend.

I know that last comment might’ve been too far, but I’m just not particularly interested in involving my sister’s threesome partners in my children’s lives. AITAH?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Flaky_Process8495 wrote:

I need more details: are her boyfriends AHs or do you not know?

If you haven't met the boyfriends, then they don't belong at YOUR family events until YOU decide otherwise.

The marriage comment was a dick thing to say. It implies she has to pick one. Bouncing off someone else's comment, as a gay man, you should know better than to gatekeep relationships.

While Polyamory is definitely part of someone's identity, it's a lifestyle, not a s**uality.

Arlet-Artichoke2743 wrote:

YTA. I came here expecting to read that your polyamorous sister had some ridiculous demand that involved talking to your one-year-old about ethical non-monogamy or somehow making everything about her. Nope. She wants to bring two partners to a kids' birthday party, presumably requiring two extra chairs and two extra slices of cake.

Possibly bringing two extra presents for the kid?

Speaking as somebody who finds the entire social institution of polyamory to be incredibly shady and tiresome, your sister was asking very little of you, and was right to point out that these two partners have both been around for ~18 months.

It's not like she met them at some drum circle four weeks ago and wants to bring them around her nieces/nephews. These men have both been with her for long enough that monogamous couples probably WOULD be discussing marriage, if that were something they wanted. The way you framed your challenge delegitimized her relationship.

And as somebody who, himself, has GRAVE doubts about the legitimacy of most polyamorous practices, that was hurtful and unnecessary. There is a conversation to have here about how to handle questions raised at impressionable ages (when your kids are aged 8-13 and start noticing their aunt has two partners, how ready is she for them to ask WTF the deal is?

What are your boundaries around candid discussion of s**ual topics at young and impressionable ages?) For a one-year-old's birthday party, none of that is relevant yet. And your objections had nothing to do with your child, and everything to do with excluding your sister's family for not conforming to your own beliefs.

snakesarecool wrote:

TBH, what you've said here reads to me basically as you not wanting them to be around your kids because of a "perversion" that you don't want near your kids.

Here's sort of my thought process on this....

Having a small party with core family alone is fine, but it doesn't sound like this was your motivation.

Setting boundaries in general isn't a problem, they are your kids. You have the right to be a jerk to others to protect your kids if need be.

Restricting people who give you the creeps from your kids isn't a problem, but you didn't mention anything specific about their behavior.

Questions to ask yourself:

Can we safely presume that your sister and her partners know how to act like grown folk at a child's birthday party?

Has your sister said or done anything weird about her s**uality to kids before?

Do her partners make you uncomfortable for any other reason than being part of a polycule?

If the answers are all no, making the sole reason they aren't invited because of their lifestyle, then YTA. Like, I'm presuming that these are normal people who wouldn't be there just licking each other or something in front of a bunch of toddlers.

You can fully have objections to her discourse around polyam, but this is targeted exclusion of close family and you are TA here. I'm not saying you should change your mind or actions. You are allowed to be an ass to protect your kids, but you asked for feedback about your choice.

presentation-klutzy wrote:

YTA. Why are gay men so misogynistic at times? Why would she need to be married for your kids to meet her partners? It might not be a s**uality but this is her life and these are her partners. If you want your sister in your life you should be more accepting of her relationships.

If they are not ab*sive, if they're not sitting there making out at your 1-year-old's birthday party, or openly talking about their intimate life I don't see what the problem is. While it's not a sexual orientation she was born with you could treat it like the same way kids have questions about gay and trans people.

Some people have more than one partner and that's okay because they have more room in their hearts to love more people. Listen, I'm the gay auntie in my family I would be super hurt if my family said a girlfriend couldn't come over to a family get together.

If your kids have questions just say their Aunt loves more than one person because she just has that capability. I would be really happy if one of my siblings found people they loved. You should apologize to your sister and take a deep look within where these feelings and beliefs are coming from. Baby it's giving misogyny it's giving patriarchy it's giving hypocrisy.

teenagedemonbaby wrote:

YTA. I was with you until “when she decides which one she’s marrying”. Calling them “her threesome partners” is reducing their romantic relationship to the s**ual aspect, which is a crappy thing you KNOW has been done to gay people for many years.

I’m not comparing overall discrimination or anything of course, I’m just saying that you’re being disrespectful and dismissive of your sister’s meaningful relationships in a way that you should know better than to do.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared a short update:

EDIT: I will be apologizing to my sister. I left a comment here relaying why I reacted the way I did. The short version is, the current political climate has me worried that LGBT rights will be rolled back. That fear + some of the conversations I was having with my sister led to me making a poor decision. Directing those feelings towards her was obviously misguided and not cool. I appreciate the feedback.