'AITA for not answering the door when my ex’s mom showed up at my apartment unannounced?'
"AITA for not answering the door when my ex’s mom showed up at my apartment unannounced?"
This happened a couple of years ago but I was talking about crazy MIL stories with a friend and she thinks I was an AH. I have sole custody of my children. My ex and his family live about a 9 hour drive from me. One day at around 9am there was knocking on my bedroom window. I peeked through the bottom of the blinds and just see woman’s sneakers.
So I peek higher and make eye contact with my ex’s mom. All I can think is WTF? The apartments where I live are not gated so anybody can drive onto the property, just not go in buildings without a key. Which means, ex’s mom couldn’t knock on my door because she couldn’t enter my building.
Anyway, now that she’s seen me I change and go see why she’s there. Only reason why she has my address is because a few months back she asked to mail some stuff for the kids & I dumbly gave her my address. She tells me she was in the neighborhood. I asked her why she didn’t call me before arriving and she said it was a “last minute decision."
I let her in and she sees the kids for a bit. When she leaves I tell her next time she needs to give me a heads up before arriving, and I’m not talking 10 minutes before, I need at least a 1 week notice. So, this is where I might be the AH. About 4 months later she pulls this stunt AGAIN. When I hear the tapping on my window. I know exactly who it is.
I don’t bother looking out the window. She starts calling me. After the 5th call, I answer. She tells me to open up because she wants to see the kids. I’m like what? I’m not even home- why she didn’t tell me she was coming? I’m 45 minutes away visiting my dad with the kids.
She demands dad’s address - I refuse to give it to her. I tell her I have no idea when I will be home. Yes, complete lie. Anyway, she doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m home, again says it was a last minute decision. I hang up on her, I’m getting texts from ex demanding I let his mom see the kids.
I tell him what I told her -I’m not home. Imagine my surprise when I hear the police banging on my door a few minutes later! I don’t answer. I get a call from a random number - the police officer. He is there to perform a wellness check because ex’s mom hasn’t heard from me in 3 days and she’s extremely worried.
Also, according to him, it is illegal not to answer the door when a police officer knocks. I tell him she is lying- I just spoke to her on the phone, she showed up unannounced. I made it clear to her not to do that, and I am out with family and I don’t need to come back just because she showed up unannounced, she is ex’s mom and I don’t have to talk to her.
After that phone call I get a text from ex calling me an AH and how hard would it have been to let his mom see the kids when she drove all the way there just to see them. I want to make it clear – I don’t mind her visiting, I don’t mind her being around my kids – but I cant stand her showing up unannounced and demanding to see my kids like that. It was like she was on a weird power trip.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Mojokit_98 wrote:
NTA, its all about control. If she gave you a heads up for your approval, it stops being HER decision and becomes a JOINT decision, which is never what these MIL's want. Usually these kinds of women call the shots in every aspect of their lives because they make sure to surround themselves with weaker people who will allow it.
In the same breath, those miserable old women pride themselves on having the last names and family statuses of the men that they marry, but persecute any other woman that comes along after them to do the same. I personally believe the reason is jealousy.
It genuinely eats at my MIL that she can give my husband advice (borderline telling him what to do at 27 yo), and all I have to do to shut it down is say that I'm not sure if she understands how our family operates and that it wouldnt work for us. I apologize that you married a weak man, married into a weak family, and are being terrorized by some old bat.
16Bunny wrote:
She was on a weird power trip. Same with your ex. The whole calling the police thing reaffirmed that. You're NTA. Best to keep away from ex & his insane mother. If you can I would consider moving so she no longer knows where you live. Any visitation your ex has can be in a neutral place.
CMENaught wrote:
"If she drove all this way just to see them, then she knew nine hours before arriving, last night, that she would be here. So she could have dropped me a courtesy text, and I could have saved her the trip by telling her that I was not prepared to host.
If she doesn't have enough respect or consideration for me to do so much as send a text, why should I have the respect or consideration for her to spend my time hosting her at my home?
Next time, she can give me notice in advance like I told her. And if she doesn't, then I am going to change my terms and simply tell her that she is not allowed in my home at all."
NTA.
Whereweretheadults wrote:
NTA. Woman weaponized the police against you. Woman no longer gets any part of your life. Next time she tries anything just use the phrase, "You called the police on me." When she deflects, "You lied to the police." Just keep banging on some version of that. Ex gets the same story. "She called the police on me and lied to them. She is dangerous."
HereLiesSarah wrote:
Nta and I'd be telling her that you won't be accepting her visits anymore, after she called the police last time. She can see the kids when he child has his time with them. He handles his family, you handle yours. If he doesn't take the kids to see her then I guess that's his problem.