'AITA for not apologizing to my dad's wife because I didn't make a grand gesture at their wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to apologize to my dad's wife because she felt let down I didn't make a grand gesture of embracing/accepting her at their wedding?"
My mom passed when I (21f) was 12 and dad met his wife when I was 15 and he married her when I was 16. Not gonna lie the day was kinda hard for me. It wasn't easy seeing my dad marry someone who wasn't my mom.
But I loved him so I made sure to smile and keep the sadness away from the day where I could. Still my dad knew and he didn't push me to be more involved than I was. The wedding was small and more low-key anyway so there was nothing huge for me to do. Until a couple of weeks ago everyone thought the day had been a success for my dad and his wife.
But during a celebration to remember mom, dad's wife brought up a grudge she held against me for not making more of a grand gesture of embracing/accepting her as my family and a mother figure at the wedding. Apparently she thought I had something planned for the day that would make her feel welcome and wanted by me and like she was loved.
She had convinced herself it would happen and was let down it hadn't but she felt even worse when I didn't say anything about it after their wedding. She first brought it up as a throwaway comment about grand gestures not being my thing for others when I made something for mom's grave.
Dad asked what she meant but she was like oh nothing, nothing, she said nothing and I was confused by it too but we moved on. Then when we were having dinner those of us who knew mom said something about her and I told mom I'd always love her and miss her and I wish she was here and could see me be the woman I am.
Then dad's wife made a more direct comment that clearly I can express my love easily enough. Dad asked what she was doing and then she said what she had expected for the wedding and she was like clearly Kes didn't love me when we got married because she didn't make a point of expressing or showing acceptance of me at the wedding.
Then she said she had expected some kind of grand gesture of acceptance and love because she was becoming my new mother figure and had thought I'd be glad to have someone else for the girl stuff.
Dad asked her where all this came from and she admitted she held it against me since the wedding. When it was just me and her she told me I could apologize and it would start to make up for it. But I told her there should have been zero expectation for me to do anything like that and I wasn't apologizing for something I never agreed or even suggested I'd do.
Then she was like so you still don't love me and I grew frustrated and told her she had way too high expectations for what I'd do for her and I pointed out I had known her for months when she married my dad. Her grudge has now grown because I didn't do the grand gesture and I didn't apologize years after. She said I'm disrespecting her and her and dad's marriage. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Thick-Ad5738 wrote:
Your dad's wife is out of order. Hold a grudge because a teenager that lost her mom didn't give her a "grand gesture"? Is she a narcissist or simply delulu? As long as you were not disrespectful or rude all this time there is nothing to apologize. NTA.
OP responded:
Very high expectations from what I can tell. The whole mother figure thing too because I never said she was one to me. I don't think my dad ever has either. But she assumed I'd look at her as one. I've been polite and friendly with her. I wouldn't say she's my favorite person but I made the effort to have a good relationship.
ChaoticGood790 wrote:
She did this on a day that you were using to remember your mom?!? I would tell your dad to keep his wife in check or they can stay tf home. Like what?
OP responded:
She did. We got together with a bunch of mom's family and some friends to celebrate mom and then she just wouldn't shut up about what I failed to do for her.
Beachinlife1 wrote:
NTA, her building up unreasonable expectations in her head are not your responsibility.
OP responded:
I really want to know where she got her expectations from. It feels like she built up a lot in her head without telling anybody and stewed on it for the last 5 years.
Adelucas wrote:
A new spouse should only expect a cordial and polite relationship with their new step kids. Especially when their marriage is as a result of a death and not a divorce. Your mom died. I don't know if you got any therapy to help deal with that, but it's one of the biggest emotional bombshells a person can suffer.
I was 36 when my mom died. I was devastated. I can't imagine how much worse it is for someone to lose their mom at 12. The fact you were able to put aside your loyalty to your mom enough to not make step moms life hell speaks volumes as to your character. You have a generosity of spirit rare in someone so young.
Your step mom needs to get over herself. She's showing her true colours after all these years and her resentment has blossomed into hatred. She expected a grand gesture despite it never being mentioned or asked of you. Not that you would have done it, she was a rando marrying your dad. You barely knew her name at that time. The marriage was rushed.
He met and married her less than a year into the relationship. I don't know if your dad thought it would be good to have a mother figure in your life or he was so lonely he married the first women who showed him any affection. Either way, she doesn't get to dictate your relationship with her. She'll be lucky you don't go low contact with her and only turn up every second Christmas.
OP responded:
He fell in love and it was the first person he dated after mom who he felt a real connection with and we got along decently and I gave my blessing (which he asked for) so he married her. It was rushed but I think he liked having those feelings again.
fiestafan73 wrote:
It is bad enough that this grown ass woman is holding a grudge against someone for something they did when they were 16, but she literally hijacked a memorial for your mother to make it about herself and her petty grudge. Tell her you have a grand gesture for her...give her the middle finger and tell her to piss off. NTA.
Stainedglasser wrote:
NTA. First and foremost the thing she has to learn: you are not obligated to love her. Your father married her, not you. She can pout and whine but you have nothing to apologize for, especially something that happened when you were SIXTEEN. You don’t have to love her, you don’t have to view her as a mother figure.
The only thing you have to acknowledge is that your father married her. So whether you actually do or not, YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO LOVE HER. Secondly, this is for your father to handle, not you. A grown woman throwing a tantrum because she didn’t get an extra special gift from a child is their problem, not yours. It sounds like you have been civil to her at the very least, and that’s enough.
You are always allowed to express the love you have for your mother. And anyone who tries to make that about themselves is out of line. If you had been cruel to her, if you had called her names or disrespected her, sure she’d have a point. But she needs to learn that as a step parent, the only person obligated to love her is her husband.