'AITA for not asking my brother’s permission before agreeing to a joint wedding plan?'

"AITA for not asking my brother’s 'permission' before agreeing to a joint wedding plan with my in-laws?"

So I’m getting married on November 30 this year. My father-in-law suggested we do a joint wedding with my fiancé’s two younger sisters (mostly for money and logistics) and after talking it over, both families thought it made sense. Everyone except my brother (he’s 11 years older) and his wife.

They were against it, said it would be “chaotic.” We decided to move forward anyway, and then he called me furious not even about the joint wedding, but because I didn’t “discuss” this with him first. He said I embarrassed them in front of my in-laws by making them look like the only ones who disagreed. He basically accused me of setting him up.

Then he got mad I didn’t convince my fiancée to go along with him. She had already talked to them and said she preferred her dad’s plan for a one-day wedding, so apparently me agreeing with her meant I “chose her side” over theirs. When he was yelling at me on the phone, I told him to calm down and “fix this” instead of screaming.

He snapped, “How dare you say this to me.” I asked, “Can’t I say this out of genuine concern for your health?” and he said flat out, “No, you can’t.” This isn’t new behavior. He’s always wanted a say in my big decisions, like he had veto power. He and his wife keep pushing us to live near them, hinting that my fiancée could help with their kids.

Years ago, in another fight, he randomly texted me: “You are the biggest fraud life has done for me.” That text honestly shook me and I’ve been walking on eggshells around him since. We were really close growing up he felt like a second parent in some ways. That closeness was my whole world, and I never built other strong friendships.

Now that I’m finally making decisions for myself, I feel like I’m breaking some unspoken rule and it’s terrifying. Since this call, I’ve been anxious and replaying everything over and over. Was I selfish for not running this by him? Is it normal for siblings to expect this kind of influence over your choices?

Or is this just controlling behavior? Honestly, it feels like withdrawal from something I thought was love but might have been control. Every time I try to stand up for myself, he acts betrayed. I feel like a little kid learning to walk, and he keeps knocking me down. I’m scared of setting boundaries because I don’t know if he’ll just cut me out of his life. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is actually toxic.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Lazuli_Rose said:

NTA. This is totally controlling behavior. He 100% thinks he gets a say in your life. I think you should go and remain low contact with him. It sounds like it would be better for your mental health to have only minimal contact with him.

mysteresc said:

NTA. Your brother is attempting to control your life, is mad you won't let him, and is gaslighting you into thinking you are at fault. If a friend or acquaintance tried to do these things to you, would you keep them in your life, or cut them off? It's your call to make, but in your shoes I would go low/no contact.

EfficiencyForsaken96 said:

NTA. It's your life and your wedding. If you and your finance (and sisters and their partners) are happy with a joint wedding, then that is all that matters. Your brother gets zero say in your life and you are welcome to distance yourself from him for your own mental well being.

ScarletNotThatOne said:

NTA. His expectation and reaction is not normal. It seems like you were raised to be under his control and when you behave like a normal adult, he tries to punish you. The fact that you have to ask this question indicates that you are still, to some extent, "under the influence." You might find therapy helpful.

Crazy4Swayze420 said:

NTA but you really should tell your brother to f off then go very LC. He sounds like an AH and I bet your life would be happier without him in it.

raulpe said:

NTA, maybe you should go low contact with him, he sounds horrible.

Later, OP edited the post to include more information:

He isn’t contributing financially. I have a dad, but my mom passed away when I was a kid. My dad is basically powerless in this dynamic, they overshadow him completely. They’ve shown some kindness over the years, like giving me a second-hand laptop that I used to teach myself coding.

I also lived with them for a long time: after school, before university, and for about a year after I graduated. When I was staying there before getting my job, I helped out around the house a lot and with their kids. That’s why this all feels so messy, there’s a history of closeness, kindness, and also control.