'AITA for not asking my niece to leave my house, despite my sister's wishes?'
"AITA for not asking my niece to leave my house, despite my sister's wishes?"
I (F28) am in a really difficult situation with my family and don't know if I'm handling it like an AH. I have a sister "Amy" (F36). Amy has three kids but this story mainly involves her oldest two, Alex (F18) and Nina (F16). Around a month ago, it was announced that Nina is pregnant. She is currently 11 weeks along. The father is a boy from her school, "Leo" (M16).
Recently, Alex has been venting to me about her living situation. Her parents have allowed Leo to stay with them (I don't know why on earth they agreed to it but apparently his parents are OK with this) and he's been sleeping in their dining room on an air mattress.
Alex says that Leo and Nina are constantly rude to her, but especially Leo. She says he calls her a b-word all the time and expects her to pick up after him. Amy and her husband both work full-time and aren't at home to witness this, and Alex says they don't seem to believe her.
Last Friday night, Alex called me in tears and said that she had a massive argument with Nina and Leo. She said that they were playing video games and shouting really loudly which was waking up their younger sibling who was in bed. Alex asked them to be quiet, Nina and Leo started screaming at her to go away and it just turned into a whole screaming match.
Alex asked if she could stay with me for the night because she can't stand being around those two. I said yes and sent Amy a text so she knew where Alex was. One night ended up turning into a few days as my sister said it was ok and Alex didn't want to go home.
Today, Amy called me and asked me to tell Alex to go home. I told her I don't think Alex wants to leave and she said she knows as she already asked her herself. She said that I need to ask Alex to leave so that she'll come back, as she "can't just run away from conflict" and that she needs Alex home so they can sort things out.
I get where she's coming from but I wouldn't feel right turning my niece away and making her return to a home where she seems to get treated like a second class citizen. I explained this to Amy and she got very weird and said that whilst Alex is an adult, she's still her mother and wants what's best and I'm being an AH for stopping her from getting her and Nina together to resolve this. AITA???
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Outrageous_Lab375 wrote:
NTA you are doing the right thing by helping Alex. If her living with you works out for you both, maybe she should just move in? All the drama at the old house stops, and everyone gets peace at home (well, maybe not your sister's home because Alex wasn't the chaos causer). Seems like this is the easiest way to solve the problem and for Alex to avoid becoming a free babysitter.
bamf1701 wrote:
NTA. Besides the fact that Alex is an adult, your sister has failed Alex by not dealing with the situation at home. Alex needs to know that there is an adult in her corner supporting her, since it is obvious that her parents aren’t. And that would not put Alex back into that situation to “resolve” the situation without you there to back her up, since no one in that house seems concerned about her.
Sugar_Mama_76 wrote:
Sounds like they want the built in babysitter to get back there and start watching the youngest sister and preparing to be the nanny to the new baby. So time to have a discussion with Alex. Rules, responsibilities, rent, etc if she wants to live with you. She’s an adult, so she can decide if your rules or her parents are better for her. Tell her there will be a contract and she’ll be expected to abide by it.
You don’t have to charge cash if you don’t need it, but cleaning bathrooms weekly and laundry in lieu of cash rent could be bargained. No parties, have a job or school, etc. whatever works for your home. Your sister is going to lose her marbles when you let her know Alex is moving in. Be strong.
Alex isn’t running from conflict, she’s learning she doesn’t have to live in a toxic environment where a child can call her names, scream at her, and she’s expected to smile weakly and obey. It’s gonna get worse when the baby shows up and sister and baby daddy realize there’s more to a baby than showing it off to friends.
Baby will get dumped on mom, mom is going to demand Alex help, and Alex is going to need your support to say no.
And to answer ahead, she’s NTA either for saying no.
GreekAmericanDom wrote:
NTA. In fact, you are a Zeus anointed hero! Alex is 18. That means that she can live wherever she damn well chooses. Amy is clearly failing her as a parent. For whatever reason, she has chosen to allow bad behavior from Nina and Leo.
Alex is wise to remove herself from that situation. No one should ever be required to allow toxicity in their life. You keep on being an adult who is trustworthy and supportive. Don't fail Alex as well.
ThePhantomSpecter wrote:
NTA. Sounds like your sister wants her responsible child back to oversee the house while she and her husband are at work.
LadyCass79 wrote:
NTA. Alex is an adult and if Amy wants to convince her to come back home, she needs to interface with her like an adult and have a conversation about it, not get her evicted from the family member creating safe options for her.