'AITA for not attending Christmas at my brother’s what he said to my wife?'

"AITA for not attending Christmas at my brother’s after he said terrible things about my wife?"

AITA for not wanting to go over to my brother’s for Christmas after he said terrible things about my wife?

My wife and I have been married almost 5 years now. We hit a rough patch this summer and considered separating. I had been lying to her about finances and came clean, and initially she wanted out.

During the time that we were considering divorce, my brother (who never seemed to like my wife in the first place) decided to share with me a list of reasons he was convinced my wife has narcissistic personality disorder and I am a victim of @buse. For context, I have been a victim of narcissistic @buse before.

In a previous relationship and with my mother in law. My wife has her struggles (as do I obviously), but she’s not a narcissist and she’s not abusive. I was very bothered that my brother would make these claims. Nobody else in the family feels this way about her. I put them to rest and felt like we ended that conversation with a good understanding.

Fast forward 6 months, we’ve gotten marriage counseling, we’re both getting personal counseling and we’ve never been better. Our relationship is the healthiest it’s ever been and we’re the most in love we’ve ever been. We’ve made a lot of progress and are committed to staying together.

For the record, the rest of the family has continually made it clear this is the outcome they want. The holidays have been hosted at my brother’s house the past few years. He decided a week before Christmas to bring this back up. He told me he’s concerned for me and that my wife is a mean person who doesn’t care about people.

The only examples he could give for this since our previous conversation was 1) that he overheard her complaining about an old boss (she was excitedly sharing with my mother about her new job that she liked much better, didn’t say anything nasty or mean) and 2) That I’ve changed (didn’t explain how).

I don’t want to come over for Christmas and bring her into a home where the person hosting believes she is a fundamentally bad person.

This makes me sad because I do want to be with my parents and grandmother, but I also don’t feel comfortable being at my brother’s place. I’m not saying I’ll never go to another family gathering, I just think it would be best for me and my wife to skip this one since it’s so fresh.

carimg78n writes:

NTA There are all sorts of legitimate reasons for saying no to an invite, and this is definitely one of them. You and your wife are enjoying the outcome of the hard work you’ve put into repairing your relationship.

You both are working with professional therapists. If your wife was a narcissist, hopefully the therapist would catch that- you don’t need your brother to keep asserting his unprofessional opinion.

That said, you have a history of abusive relationships and your brother may feel extra protective of you. It may have skewed his initial perception of your wife. You could let him know you appreciate his concern, and that you are working with a therapist.

You and your wife are getting a fresh start in your relationship. It’s better than ever, and you hope with time he’ll come around to seeing that.

agahpo writes:

NTA - do not tell your wife. This perpetuates unnecessary drama. Sit your brother down and thank him for being on your side but make it clear that, although you hear him, it is your life and your decision to work things out with your wife.

If he continues to bring it up, then tell him that you need to prioritize your family - aka wife - and will need to limit your interactions with him. I would go to xmas just to prove that you are trying to still have a relationship with your brother and that your wife supports this as she will attend too.

foan8 writes:

NTA. When I got married my mother told me never to tell her about our disagreements because it would color how she sees my spouse. While we would make up she would still only see the person who hurt her child.

Your brother is in a similar place. You and your wife have cleared the air, but your brother has not had that closure, especially since he sees it as you facing the same problem in this marriage as in past relationship. He is more stuck in your past than you are.

If it was me in this situation I would set some boundaries with my brother. Agree to go but only if he will treat your wife with courtesy and respect. At the first negative comment or action call him out in front of the whole family. Yes, things have been rocky, but you are committed to each other and working through your issues because you value each other and your relationship.

Tell him in front of everyone that it feels as though he is trying to undermine everything you are doing to build up your relationship. He will have to defend his position or back off. Ask him in front of everyone if he is supporting or attacking your relationship with your wife.

Then ask him what he will do going forward to support you and your marriage. If he does make a commitment of support thank him and change the subject to something neutral like the football game to end the drama. Ignore any sideline comments or politely ask them to wait until you are done speaking with your brother.

The other family members are not part of the debate, just witnesses to the contract you are working out with your brother so he cannot backtrack so easily later.

ploya7 writes:

NTA, however.... If you've told your wife the things your bro has been saying and she still wants to go, then go. She clearly has thick skin and your bros opinion of her doesn't bother. It's great that you want to stand up for and defend your wife, but she may not need you to in this situation.