'AITA for not attending my best friend’s wedding because I couldn’t support her choice of marrying her ex-husband?' UPDATED

"AITA for not attending my best friend’s wedding because I couldn’t support her choice of marrying her ex-husband?"

So, my best friend (let’s call her Sarah) went through a pretty rough divorce a few years ago. She was married to a guy for 7 years, and it ended terribly. They were separated for a while, but just recently, they decided to get back together. Now she’s planning to marry him again, and she invited me to the wedding.

I know Sarah’s decision to reconcile is her choice, but I can’t shake off the bad memories of how he treated her. It feels like a huge step backward, and I just don’t feel comfortable supporting this. I’ve told her I won’t attend the wedding, and now she’s really hurt, saying I’m not supporting her and our friendship might be on the line.

AITA for not being able to support her decision, even if it makes her happy?

garantua writes:

Boundaries are important and every situation Is different. I kinda think there needs to be more info for a proper decision. the specifics of the relationship kinda make a big difference here.

Did they just not work together, like being just totally incompatible or miserable together or was it legitimately toxic, violent, potentially dangerous? I mean if your friend is just going back to a relationship that didn’t work because say he didn’t do enough in the relationship or she felt took for granted or whatever those are things someone could have worked through and wised up after they realize they actually lost it and work as a wake up call.

If they had manageable issues and say attended couples counseling or someone got into therapy to work through things or someone really put in some work and they feel like they’re in a better place than yes you should support your friend and be hoping they got it right the second time.

If however the marriage was super toxic or abusive then that’s a whole other ball of wax. There’s a big difference between lending support to someone you love potentially making a stupid decision and supporting them making a choice they could potentially be legitimately dangerous for them.

agpolo writes:

NAH, but I'm confused what you thought would happen. Attending a wedding isn't an endorsement of the marriage (if it was, I assure you that many weddings would be much more sparsely attended)... That's closer to the role of the officiant.

At most, attendance at a wedding is support of at least one of the participants and their right to make the choice.

You are saying that your friend is making such a huge mistake that you cannot even be present while she makes it. And lest she think that it was due to some other reason, you made sure to tell her that this was absolutely a deliberate choice. Which is fine morally (which is why you aren't an AH), but is hardly the stuff of continued friendship.

crima7 writes:

NAH yet, as far as I can tell. when it comes to friends and their romantic relationships there is always a difficult line to walk between supporting them and maintaining enough distance that your friendship can survive their choices.

Your friend's relationship with her ex/fiancé sounds horribly messy, but you don't mention any kind of abuse which would totally change the considerations.

The ins and outs of their relationship are, ultimately, their business and its up to them whether they want to give things another go (whether or not its obviously going to be a disaster). People are allowed to make bad choices and choose crappy partners.

You might feel that having been there for her through all the trouble once, you're done with the drama and want to take a step back from her/the friendship because of it. That's ok, you are also allowed to choose your friends and to distance yourself from someone if you want to.

Or you might be her ride or die and happy to be her shoulder to cry on regardless of how many times she's learning the same lesson, but just not want anything to do with the guy. That is likely to mean some distance in the friendship comes naturally, as you won't be able to hang out with them as a couple, but that's also fine.

I don't think you should feel obligated to attend their second wedding, really I agree with others who've said its a bit weird/tacky for them to expect people to show up for them twice and if they want to re-do the vows, they should expect that to be quiet and private thing between them, not a whole second wedding.

So you're not an AH for just not going, but you need to understand that if you make it a principled stance against the relationship, you are judging her choices and therefore her as a person. That is harsh and I do think that would be likely to end most friendships.

You're not necessarily an AH for doing so, if that's really how you feel and your opinion/feelings about it mean more to you than she does as person. You can't really be her friend if you don't support her right to make her own choice on this (even if you don't agree with it) and, just like not liking someone's boyfriend or thinking they'd be better off breaking up...

you might be close enough that you can tell her how you feel, but once she's made it clear that she's going to get back with him anyway you need to accept that choice and support her anyway if you want to be her friend. That doesn't mean you agree with it.

Update:

After my original post, things with Sarah (my best friend) have only gotten more complicated. I ended up deciding not to attend her wedding because I genuinely couldn’t support her decision to remarry her ex-husband after the horrible way he treated her in their first marriage.

Fast forward to now: Sarah reached out to "clear the air" and invited me to meet for coffee. I was hopeful we could patch things up, but instead, she dropped another bombshell. She said she’s reconsidered having me as her maid of honor because she "deserves someone who’s all in."

Here’s the thing: Sarah never officially asked me to be her maid of honor. I assumed I wouldn’t be involved after telling her I wasn’t attending the wedding. So I was shocked when she suggested I should have automatically stepped into the role since "best friends are supposed to support each other unconditionally."

She went on to say that if I "really loved her," I’d reconsider attending and standing by her side on her big day, even if I didn’t agree with her choice. I told her I couldn’t do that in good conscience, and now she’s upset with me again, claiming I’ve “betrayed” her by not fulfilling my “duty” as her best friend.

At this point, I feel like I’m stuck between sticking to my values and salvaging a friendship that feels increasingly one-sided. AITA for refusing to take on the maid of honor role after everything that’s happened?

educa7 writes:

Nta a best friend would not ask.ypu to forget your boundaries and morals to support her.

OP replies:

Exactly! I think a real friend would understand where I'm coming from, even if it's tough. I just can't ignore my feelings about the situation. It's not about being unsupportive, it's about respecting myself too. Thanks for understanding!