'AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding?' 'My partner isn't welcome.'

"AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding?"

I (35f) have known my best friend (34f) since she was born (our parents were friends in college). As long as I can remember, we've always been inseparable. We went to different high schools and then different states for college and yet we have remained closer than ever.

This bond grew especially because my parents died when I was 18 and since then her parents took it upon themselves to act as my family, inviting me over for the holidays, sending me care packages, etc. And so, she became the closest thing I have to a sibling.

A few weeks ago, my best friend (let's call her Anya), her fiancé, and I visited our hometown where we stayed with Anya's parents for a few days to plan her wedding. It was all going well until we got to the guest list. The guest list had pretty much been finalized at this point but it was my first time seeing it.

I noticed that my name didn't have a plus-one and that my wife's name wasn't on the list at all. I assumed that it must have been a mistake so I asked Anya about it casually in front of everyone. As soon as I asked, she got all tense and looked at her fiancé and parents weirdly.

At this point, it was clear to me that there was something going on that I didn't know about. I asked her what was going on and Anya cleared her throat awkwardly before telling me that the reason my wife wasn't on the list was because she wasn't invited.

I was shocked. Anya and my wife aren't particularly close but they have always been friendly with each other and never had bad things to say about the other person. I asked her why, thinking it might have been a financial issue.

She again looked around awkwardly before eventually telling me the truth. She was afraid that having my wife at her wedding and us being seen as an openly queer couple would take attention away from her on her big day.

I feel it is important to mention at this point that Anya and I are both South Asian and Anya's wedding is going to take place in India (although we live in the US) so that all her relatives and parents' friends are able to attend.

At such a traditional event, it would indeed be an uncommon sight to see an openly queer couple together and honestly, it likely would take some of the attention off of Anya on her wedding day. Knowing that, I can't really blame Anya for wanting one day where the focus is solely on her and her soon to be husband.

However, I also don't think I can attend an event where my partner isn't welcome, regardless of the reason. My wife is the most important person in the world to me and although I respect Anya's decision, I can't bring myself to go to another country and to the wedding without my wife.

Anya, her parents, and our family friends are all extremely hurt by this decision and are telling me that I am being selfish. After everything that Anya and her family have done for me, I can understand why. But it still doesn't change my decision to not attend the wedding. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

embaleezers said:

NTA. A real friend would consider your wife a part of their family, and they would be less concerned with how something "looks" and more concerned with having her family around her sharing this special moment. The fact that your wife wasn't invited shows that you are not "real" family so neither is your wife. At least, that's how I would take it.

astrotekk said:

NTA. I would not go under these circumstances. I can understand her decision and yours. Traveling half way across the world makes it an even easier decision

coolerbeans1981 said:

NTA. If she can't respect the union you share with your wife, you have no business celebrating that same union between her and her fiance.

FuzzyMom2005 said:

NTA. You're selfish? Your "best " friend couldn't even bother to tell you in person and didn't have the guts to explain about the bigotry that she's condoning. No, you do not have to go. You're putting your wife ahead of this so-called friend. Once they start calling you names, their request/demands should no longer be given any consideration.

Naive-Atmosphere-178 said:

NTA. They have the right to invite anyone they wish. And you have the right to decline the invite….

SwimAccomplished9487 said:

NTA. I wouldn’t be celebrating the marriage of someone who doesn’t respect my marriage. Queer, straight…doesn’t matter. And you’d also be traveling without your wife and spending a lot of money? Nope.

Spinnerofyarn said:

NTA. I think it's mutually respectful for her to be gracious about you not attending since your wife isn't welcome. She may not want to force her family and in-laws to accept you, but she shouldn't force you to forgo being with your wife.