'AITA for not attending my dad’s funeral because he tried to reconnect only after getting sick?'
"AITA for not attending my dad’s funeral because he tried to reconnect only after getting sick?"
I’m (30M), When I was 10, my dad left. There wasn’t a big fight. No slammed doors. Just him telling my mom he couldn’t do this anymore, and then he walked out. No shared custody, no weekend visits, no birthday cards. He was just gone.
At first, I held on to hope. I checked the mail for letters. Waited by the phone. Thought maybe he’d show up at school or just say something that explained it all. But those things never happened.
My mom stepped up. Worked long hours. Helped with homework. Came to every school event. She gave everything. He gave nothing. I grew up. Graduated high school. He wasn’t there. Got married. No word. Had a kid. Not even a text.
At some point, I stopped wondering where he was. I made a life without him. I built my own family.
I moved forward without the weight of hoping he’d come back.
Then two years ago, I got a message from my aunt. He had cancer. And suddenly, he wanted to reconnect. He started sending letters. Leaving voicemails. Talking about regrets and how he wanted a second chance.
My aunt said he wanted to make things right before it was too late. But I didn’t respond. Because I wasn’t a person to him, I was a loose end. A memory he didn’t want to leave unresolved.
Where was this effort when I was 14 and couldn’t stop crying? When I was 19 and struggling to make rent? Where was he when I needed a dad, not a stranger looking for peace on his deathbed?
He passed away two weeks ago. My aunt begged me to come to the funeral. She said he hoped to see me one last time. But I spent years hoping he’d show up. And he never did.
Now my family’s upset. They say I’m cruel. That I should’ve gone for closure. But the truth is, I already got closure. It came quietly. Somewhere between growing up without him and realizing I turned out okay. AITA for not mourning a man who only remembered me when he knew he was running out of time?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Nope. NTA. You didn't owe him a relationship in life, you don't owe your respect in death.
CassieNova1X (OP)
That’s exactly how I feel. it’s not about holding a grudge, it’s about protecting the peace I built without him.
Regret doesn’t entitle someone to redemption especially if it only arrives when facing death, not during your hardest years. Closure isn’t a funeral.
CassieNova1X (OP)
Exactly. regret isn’t some magic fix after years of silence. If he wanted redemption, he should’ve shown up when it actually mattered, not when it was convenient for him.
NTA. How dare they… No one has the right to tell you anything. I hope they begged him the same way during all the years he left you unattended.
NTA. If your aunt makes another syllable about how you were wrong, point out to HER that she has utterly failed to convince the brother she cares so much about to reach out to his 10-year-old son when needed and SHE is the reason he never reconciled with you and that he died without closure.
NTA. This is exactly what my father did to me. I get it totally -- the missing him and then the learning to live without him and the contact many years later being that with a complete stranger. I don't doubt that he has regrets; he should have regrets for how he failed you and all he missed.
The above said: Continue to go forward as you have. I commend you for building a good life. There will always be that hole left by this desertion, but you managed to go forward to build a good life in spite of it. You deserve this good life.
His desertion required you to learn to live without his presence, which you did, and, as you write, he only made contact when he needed something from you. Sad but true. Do not let others guilt you here. Funerals are to honor the dead. No one should expect you to honor anyone who treated/disregarded you as he did.
Not at all. If you have closure and you know everything was ok without him - then that’s all you need. No need to go to the funeral or entertain messages where people try to make you feel like you owed him anything when he gave you zero support or thought. He made the choice. There are consequences.
Whenever I read stories like this, I wonder what the motivation is of the family members who preach about forgiveness and closure. Those of us not personally involved can clearly see that OP did nothing wrong and owed his father nothing. Why don’t they?
I’ve begun to think it’s because they feel guilty themselves for not calling out his father when OP was growing up and hoped his forgiveness would extend to their complicity. In other words, they are self-serving jerks. OP is NTA, of course.
NTA obviously. He needed the closure, not you. He definitely ONLY did it for himself. At this point, I’d cut the aunt off too. Doesn’t sound like she held him accountable, but wants for you to be accountable for his regret. You held your boundaries and you should be proud of yourself, your mother did a great job showing you what you deserve and you didn’t settle for less. Don’t question yourself.
Sounds like you have this very justified train of feelings solidified in your head. Your aunt's reaction is about her grief. You don't have grief over his death because you resolved that years ago.
His desire to "reconnect" at the 11th hour was about his guilty conscience over being a crap father. It had nothing to do with you and you had no obligation to respond, and especially not to appease him. You take care of you and tell your aunt to stuff her guilt trips over a man who abandoned you 20 years ago without a second thought. NTA (But you already know that).