Gender reveal for lizard ends in emotional showdown between daughter and 'unsupportive' mom. AITA? + LIZARD DEFENSE AND PICS
"AITA for not attending my daughter's gender reveal for her lizard?"
This is literally really stupid but she's really upset about it. So my (48) daughter (23) has a blue tongue skink who she heavily adores. She jokingly refers to it as her daughter, I've found it weird but she says it's because it's the closest thing she'd have to a child and she feels a strong emotional bond similar to a child.
She has decided to remain child free for multiple reasons and I have been very supportive of this decision. Well she recently took her Skink to the vet for a checkup and she was excited to find out her Skinks gender.
Afterwards I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having. She explained it was just a small get together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke (and a way to make fun of real gender reveals).
Well I didn't come. I didn't see a point. It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person. She later called me and expressed she was kind of sad I didn't come cuz it'd been a while since I'd seen her but she understood I was busy.
I told her she couldn't actually expect me to come to a gender reveal for a lizard. She said that it wasn't a real gender reveal, that was more of a joke and it was really just a small gathering to catch up with everyone. I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering because I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter.
She got quiet for a minute and then turned my words around, claiming I wasn't supportive of her decision to be childfree. I told her she can't possibly expect me to treat a lizard as a grand daughter, she said she didn't expect me too but it was clear I didn't respect her bond with her lizard and her decision, and she just wanted to see me and my reason for coming was hurtful.
I told her she was being ridiculous over a lizard, she claimed it wasn't over the lizard and it was a gathering and not even centered around the lizard, but I stick by to what I said. It's ridiculous to have a gender reveal for a lizard.
She hung up and I got a message from her best friend about how I'm an AH for treating her that way, but I don't think I'm the AH for not wanting to go to a party for a lizard?
EDIT: In the time I was away I got many replies and it was a lot to read through. Let me clear a couple things up. My issue is that she said the party was a gender reveal, if she had called it just a party I would have come. But calling it a gender reveal makes it sound like it's for the lizard, and I'm not going to that even if it is a "joke".
I don't know why it matters but the Skink is a girl which is why I said "I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real grand daughter." Even though I don't agree with my daughter for being childfree, I have been supportive and only shown mild frustration.
The reasons she decided to be childfree is she claims she's asexual, she just doesn't want one, she has emotional baggage and feels unable to care for a real child, she fears pregnancy, and she has a carrier gene like me and "doesn't want to go through what I did" (I had 4 miscarriages and a highly defect child that died after 3 months due to the gene).
Yes there has been slight tension between us because I think she just hasn't found the right man (she never dated growing up) and her other fears are unnecessarily exaggerated, but it's ultimately her decision and I don't resent her.
We haven't seen each other in three months. I'm a single mother and we have always been close which is why she invited me with her friends, I just didn't want to go to a party with a lizard, and if it wasn't for the lizard she should've called it a party instead of a gender reveal.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YTA. That’s your grandlizard.
ETA it was obviously not just about the gender reveal and your daughter wanted to see you.
Your daughter did make it clear to you that she was jokingly hosting a gender reveal party for a lizard. What she was actually doing was hosting a small get together and she wanted you to come over. She made it pretty obvious from the
get-gogecko that she really just wanted an excuse to have a small party.So...and I love that I get to use this sentence...
Let's remove the lizard genitals from the situation.
So yeah, YTA, but it's not because you won't be there to celebrate the revealing of the lizard genitals. It's just because your daughter wanted to spend time with you, and you brushed her off Cats in the Cradle style.
YTA. Your daughter sounds cool tho.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
YTA & I'm surprised you had the gall to post this knowing she frequents reddit. This is the best friend that texted you. You blocked my number not that it matters. You know it wasn't about the reveal, it was an excuse to hold a party.
We had fun without you. The lizard had an adorable tiny party hat, we had cake that said "it's a girl" and we popped a glittery sparkly party popper. It got all over the walls and ceiling and our friend John, and we started making jokes like "call the EMS for John!" and "they do say gender reveals are dangerous! Who knew!"
But I'm sure she sent you the video so you know what you missed out on. We made fun of it for the most part and blasted The Last of Us music since that's where Ellie's name comes from, not because she wanted an excuse for her social anxiety.
She struggled with her identity for years and you were never supportive, when she was trying to figure out if she was lesbian you sat her down for 30 minutes and explained how it's normal to get feelings confused but people weren't meant to like the same gender and it was probably just friendship feelings she was confusing.
You're part of the reason she never explored her sexuality further with your "s*x is natural" and "you can't have a relationship without s*x" comments knowing not only is she mildly autistic and already struggles to understand and comprehend her emotions but she's also a victim of a negative experience.
You know she has a co dependency issue and living by herself has be really difficult for her to overcome and Ellie has helped immensely. She was upset you didn't come when she wanted to see you because she adores you and you didn't even call her for Thanksgiving.
Also lizard pics 1 2 3 because we know we need them.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
FINALLY someone on one of these posts pays the lizard tax, goodness gracious!
Sorry but OP is just glossing over the whole "I'm a carrier of a disease that made me miscarry 4x and have a very sick child who died and my daughter has the same gene SO THAT MEANS SHE SHOULD HAVE KIDS TOO"? OP is seven layers of messed up but those are the beans of the situation.
I’m not child free but I’m not rushing to have one. My mum has photos of me and my sister in frames that has graduation, with partners and with grandchildren. She literally has me and my cat in the grandchildren section of mine. She buys him Christmas presents. You don’t have to love the animal but love your kid enough to respect their decision for gods sake.
"she has emotional baggage and feels unable to care for a real child"
Gee, I wonder where on earth that emotional baggage, especially about child-rearing, could possibly have come from??
God just go to the damn party.