"AITA for not attending monthly 'birthday parties?'"
I (F35) and my husband (Bob 30) have been together for 5 years. His sister (31), gave birth to a baby girl four months ago. Since the big day, everything has understandably revolved around the baby. This is the first grandchild in my husband’s family. Bob’s mother, Lucy (65), has been extremely attentive and involved.
While this is to be expected, the issue exists with demands for attendance to monthly birthday parties. Yes, MONTHLY themed BIRTHDAY parties for an infant that always have gifts, food, decor, etc. We have been told that gifts are not mandatory, however when we did attend we were the only ones who had not brought gifts. (We spent hundreds on baby shower gifts.)
There were 5 showers.) As soon as we realized this would be a monthly affair, Bob and I decided we would not attend. It has been made clear by Lucy, that we should be at each one to show our love. She has expressed great disdain and anger when we don’t comply with her expectations via emotional blackmail and outright manipulation.
She even had a tantrum while Bob and I visited after confronting Bob about our absence; he explained his personal reasons for not attending (concerns about an unhealthy amount of attention and expectation placed on his niece.) Now to the reason for this post. My birthday took place this month.
The day of, I got a message from Lucy asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch to celebrate. I of course said yes and met her at one of her favorite places to eat. I arrived and we sat down to eat. Most of the lunch was spent catching up. Lucy brought up the latest birthday party. She asked if Bob and I were coming.
I stated, no and then tried to explain why I personally do not attend the monthly birthday parties. I expressed concern about how my niece and nephew would view all the attention Bob’s niece was getting. I don’t want to make my niece and nephew feel like I love or care about them less simply because they are further away.
Lucy interrupted by asking, I wonder how SIL feels about you not caring about her child and being involved. I quickly replied with, If SIL feels some type of way and wants to discuss it she can contact me and Bob however she sees fit. To which Lucy said, she will never do that. She could never make a fuss about it.
I said then that’s her problem. Lucy said, SIL would never do this to you and Bob’s kid. I responded, She will never have to worry about something like this with us. Lucy then got up and left the restaurant which had gotten uncomfortably quiet.
I grabbed the card she gave and told her thank you for the meal and card. She left and I got to my car to inform Bob about what happened. So, are Bob and I the aholes for not attending his niece’s monthly birthday parties?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
lemon_charlie said:
NTA. Birthdays are annual, not monthly. With five baby showers it looks like your SIL is milking being the first one to give her mother a grandchild, and needs to be called out on it. Lucy needs to be told that not everyone's lives revolve around her granddaughter.
Ambitious_Yoghurt_70 said:
NTA. Monthly birthday parties sound exhausting. (And so do 5 baby showers, I mean what?)
No-Assignment5538 said:
NTA. Having monthly "birthday" parties for a baby is a new level of overboard. Make it very clear that you will only be attending the actual year marker birthdays and maybe not even those if they are going totally overboard about it.
aloneandsingle said:
NTA Is this going to be the plan for ALL of the grandkids? Or just the first? Sounds like they are setting that kid up to become a Veruca Salt level brat if they don’t nip this in the bud ASAP.
neworderfan said:
This is the craziest read ever. NTA.
Cosmic_Castaway said:
NTA. Not at all. That's a ridiculous amount of events to go to. That's gotta be so stressful on the parents of the child as well. I kind of suspect that if you went directly to them they'd say Lucy is manipulating/pressuring them into doing it or maybe even straight up forcing.