'AITA for not attending my sister's wedding because of her 'wedding tax'?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not attending my sister's wedding because of her 'wedding tax'?"

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and could really use your judgment. So, here's the backstory. My younger sister, "Emily," is getting married in a couple of months, and while I'm super happy for her, there’s been some drama over the whole wedding planning process.

Emily and her fiancé decided to have a small wedding, which I totally understand, but they also decided to impose a “wedding tax” on family members attending. They have a list of “wedding expenses” - things like venue decor and catering - and they expect each family member to contribute extra to make it all happen.

To top it off, her fiancé’s family is also chipping in, making the whole thing feel less like a celebration and more like a business deal. When my sister brought this up, I couldn’t help but voice my concern. I told her it felt unfair to ask family to cover the costs on top of giving a gift.

I suggested maybe doing a more budget-friendly wedding so that everyone could enjoy it, but she brushed aside my suggestions. We had a huge argument about it, and it turned into a shouting match. I told her that weddings should be about love, not financial burdens.

In the weeks that followed, she refused to speak to me and even blocked my number for a while. I felt really hurt, but then I received an invitation to the wedding - complete with a note saying that if I wasn’t “chipped in,” I shouldn’t bother coming.

I’ve been debating whether to go or not. On one hand, I want to support my sister, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s really messed up to so blatantly ask for cash from family. My parents think I should just suck it up, contribute, and attend for the sake of family, while my friends are telling me I’d be better off skipping it altogether.

So, AITA for considering not going to my sister's wedding because of the “wedding tax”? Am I being a jerk for standing my ground on what I believe should be a joyful occasion and not a financial obligation?

TLDR: My sister Did not make me a bridesmaid, but I'm totally OK with. But she's having her wedding in a really expensive hotel and she so she's asking everyone for money but she is not paying for anyone's hotel room and I'm expected to pay around $250-$1000.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Toogroovyto said:

I would absolutely not attend. Your sister doesn't want your support, she wants your money.

Scruffersdad said:

I would not attend. If you can’t afford your wedding you shouldn’t be having that wedding. Where did this ‘pay to attend a wedding’ come from? It’s ridiculous.

CuriouslyFlavored said:

I would refuse. I would send a normal wedding gift, but not attend.

[deleted] said:

I wouldn't go. I see this marriage ending in 6 months. Selfish morons. NTA

Awesomekidsmom said:

I think your parents backwards - she should drop it for family’s sake. That a huge financial burden for a party FFS! No I wouldn’t support this delusion- what happens when she gets pregnant- you all have to make a large contribute to future education? Will you need to pay months of her mortgage costs when she celebrates buying a house? This is BS

OP responded:

She also had us contribute to a money fund for their future house two years ago.

Traditional-Ad2319 said:

I will never understand why people insist on having weddings they cannot afford. I wouldn't give her a dime.

Familiar_Trouble_536 said:

I think it doesn’t matter if you declined RSVP, because she is most likely will have bigger problems when at least 50% of her potential guest declined to show up.

[deleted] said:

NTA that’s a new level of entitled. Just out of interest, how much would ‘chipping in’ cost you?

OP responded:

Friends are expected to donate $50-$100 while family is expected to donate $250-$1000

She later shared this first update:

I’m back with an update on the whole wedding drama from my previous post about my sister’s “wedding tax.” Buckle up, because things have escalated, and it’s a rollercoaster ride of emotions, sibling rivalry, and unexpected twists.

So, after much deliberation, I decided to stand my ground and not attend Emily's wedding. I sent her a heartfelt message explaining my reasons, reiterating that I love her but can’t support what feels like exploitation of family when joining in a celebration. I thought that might lead to some sort of resolution, or at least a civil conversation.

But boy, was I wrong. The day of the wedding rolled around, and out of nowhere, I received a text from my mom freaking out because Emily's wedding had fallen into chaos.

Apparently, guests who paid the fee were fighting about seating arrangements, and some of the vendors canceled last minute, putting everything in disarray. My mom was in a tizzy, insisting that it was all my fault for not “supporting” the family during this important event.

I took a step back; that wasn’t guilt-tripping enough for my vibe. But then, I received a call from our aunt, who was furious. She blamed me for Emily’s wedding day being ruined (which I found ridiculous, considering I wasn’t even there!). My aunt accused me of causing a divide within the family over money and “tarnishing the spirit of the occasion.” If only she’d seen the way Emily chose to treat her family like ATMs.

As things continued to spiral, I heard through the grapevine that Emily's wedding day somehow went even more volatile. Guests who had fronted the cash got into arguments over the “wedding tax” and felt cheated when the food didn’t match the expensive price tag — and right after dinner, a huge fight broke out.

One of Emily’s friends was tossed out for making a scene about the money they had to contribute, and it quickly escalated to shouting, with both the bride and groom caught in the crossfire.

But it gets crazier: my sister’s new mother-in-law decided to throw her own fit demanding a refund because she felt cheated on the wedding package. Emily was left sobbing in the corner, clearly feeling overwhelmed, and the whole scene turned into a reality show-level of drama — her fiancé was left apologizing while the bridal party tried to salvage what little grace remained.

Eventually, I got another message from Emily, conveyed through my mom. It was a half-hearted apology along the lines of “I’m sorry it turned out this way, but you still owe me!” Nothing about clarity on expenses or acknowledging how bizarre the whole situation was.

Now, I’m feeling a mixed bag of emotions. I mean, I do feel sympathy for my sister; no one wants their big day overshadowed by chaos. At the same time, it feels a little satisfying knowing my intuition about the "wedding tax" was spot-on. I guess it shows that I wasn’t the crazy one — the whole situation was just flawed from the start.

So here I am, still uncertain about my future relationship with Emily. Do I reach out and try to mend things? Is it too late, or does this create a moment of clarity for her to reflect on what was really important?

AITA for still holding fast to my beliefs about family and finances when it resulted in such explosive fallout? Should I just let her contact me if she wants or dive right back in to help pick up the pieces? What is the right move here?

She later shared this second, very brief update:

Her fiance is filing for a divorce.