'AITA for not babysitting so my mom can go on dates with her fiancé?'
"AITA for not babysitting so my mom can go on dates with her fiancé?"
My parents divorced when I (16m) was 1 and I live with my dad and see my mom every other weekend. Why? She moved too far for them to share me equally so dad got custody since he was settled and wasn't moving for unstable reasons. Mom followed a guy to another town, a guy she wasn't even dating seriously or long, and she moved again before I was 5 for another guy.
My relationship with mom is kinda strained. Sometimes she makes an effort to actually be a mom other than every other week but it feels like she never cared as much about me as she did the guys she's dated. Some of those guys I stayed with when I'd go to mom's for a weekend. Others I never met but she talked about them all the time.
Four years ago she started seeing this guy called Clay and now they're engaged and living together. When I spend weekends at my mom's house I sleep in the basement on the couch because Clay's got four kids and I didn't want to share a room with his sons who are really young.
It bothers my mom and Clay that I wasn't more open to being a part of the family and mom and I fight about it at least once every two or three months when I'm there. She doesn't get why I'm not more invested. I refuse to spell it out for her.
Now we're fighting about babysitting. Since her and Clay live together now they feel like I should babysit so they can go on dates and I refuse. Doesn't matter if I'm there or with dad, she expects any weekend they want to do something that I will drop whatever and babysit.
When I'm at her house I avoid it by staying out late by exploring where she lives and going to the gaming store for hours to look around. When I'm with dad it's easier to just say no way and she can't make dad send me over to her to babysit. And it pisses him off that she expects me to drive almost 3 hours each way to babysit for her whenever she feels like it.
My mom said I need to accept that Clay and his kids are going to be my family and I should try to get to know them. She doesn't realize once my 18th birthday comes she won't even be my family anymore and I plan to go NC. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Tell your mom that Clay is the person here responsible for childcare. He is nothing to you and you owe him nothing. If Clay wants to go on dates. He should look into Care dot com.
GaggySage (OP)
I mean he got babysitters before so I don't even get why they'd be so unwilling to keep doing that. I'm not here to be free childcare for them. And he has his own family to send them to if he wants free or cheap.
NTA, You're 16 and not a live-in nanny, Babysitting her fiancé's kids is not your responsibility, and its especially entitled for her to expect you to travel 3 hours for it.
Your time and your consent and your role as her son, not her unpaid helper, matter.
She's confusing you being her child with you being part of the life she's building now, but she hasn't done the work to earn that relationship, she's trying to force closenesss through obligation rather than build it through trust, effort and care.
No contact: You’re not obligated to keep people in your life who repeatedly show that your needs, boundaries, and feelings don’t matter. You are allowed to protect yourself.
But also: if there's any part of you that wants something more from your mom closure, peace, clarity, anything it might be worth saying something before you go no contact. Not for her, but for you, so you’re not left holding resentment you never got to voice. Hope I could help.
GaggySage (OP)
Thanks for the advice. I don't think I have anything I really need to say to her. A few years ago I would've had more to get off my chest but dad got me therapy so I didn't need to say it directly to her anymore.
NTA. If she and Clay want a babysitter so they can go out, they need to go and find one in the usual way, not ask you to do it (whether paid or free). Your custody arrangement still has you spending every other weekend with your mum.
If she doesn't want to actually prioritise spending time WITH YOU during those weekends, and instead wants you to babysit her partner's kids so they can go out, perhaps it's time to apply for a change to custody and stop those visits entirely?
You are old enough to stop the visits. She is supposed to spend time with you when you visit. Not user as free babysitter.
Painful lack of self-awareness in your mom’s part. She made decision to move away upon her divorce, effectively harming your relationship. Everything else now is about her.
NTA, not your circus not your monkeys! Sorry to say your mum sounds like a classic narcissist! If she wanted you all to bond then you could all go out for family trips! For you to babysit means she’s not spending time with you so why bother going to see her! The best way to deal with this is never argue just explain your side.
At your age you should be able to decide where you stay and go, how can she expect anything from you when she f'ed off at such an early age. Obviously didn’t give a damn back then!
The only caveat would be if you did want some contact going forward then to offer to babysit on special occasions birthdays etc would be a compromise. Other than that you owe nothing.