'AITA for not backing my wife up when our son says she's no longer his mother?'
"AITA for not backing my wife up when our son says she's no longer his mother?"
Hi so I think my wife is single handedly the cause of all her problems. Im done pretending im at fault. Kind of done with her in general and I see divorce on the horizon like a bright sun rise.
So, me and my wife got together in college, things were fine and I proposed when I was 23 and she was 22. People might say that's young and yeah probably but we didn't get married until we were 25 and 26.
Well she got pregnant at 24 and we had a son. I wanna say, I didn't force her to have him. I told her I'd love to have him personally I was ready but if she wanted to wait a bit im ok with that too. She chose to go through with the pregnancy.
We start getting ready for the baby and I told her because of our living situation if she wants she can go back to work and continue her career we can afford a long term baby sitter. Our living situation is my aunt and uncle are successful and they own a second home where we live.
We just pay bills like electricity. Not bad at all so we have extra cash. She said no she wants to stay with our son be a SAHM. Sure idc I'm fine with that bond with our baby.
Well she got PPD. Didn't bond with baby. I told her to go to therapy because this wasnt going to fly me bringing in 100% of the money me paying 100% of the bills me taking care of our baby 100% of the time that I'm at home. She didn't want to work and she refused to care for the baby so I had to get a babysitter everyday Monday thru Friday anyway.
I was sympathetic at first I get it having a baby is difficult but 2 years of that and you start resenting them for not doing anything and refusing to get help. Constant fighting about her doing nothing and how I'm tired of being with her. I told her at one point it was either get help or im divorcing her and she can go back to live with her parents at the age of 27 which they've made it aware they won't be happy with that.
She went back to work but not her college degree career no she chose to work at the local cigarette shop store. At this point I just didnt care it was something good enough I just became indifferent. We stopped being intimate we stopped talking about things other than our son were basically roommates.
That's our marriage. He's now 17. Me and my wife got into it because I told her I'm done. Completely done. Our son is almost 18 hes preparing himself for college which is completely paid for by me and his grandparents and when he's gone I'm gone.
She freaked out told me I'm worthless she wishes she never met me she hates she got pregnant and wish she hadn't ever had our son. He over heard (obviously?) and he came out and yelled at her and told her "fine have it your way you're not my mother anymore go f&^k yourself".
Well, IMO reap what you sow. She's now upset he wants nothing to do with her it's been 2 months and he does not talk to her or interact with her in anyway. He works a part time job he buys everything he needs he has his own car he doesn't need her for anything.
If he needs something he asks me for extra cash or help with his car and things like that but he avoids her like the plague. She's pissed at me and wants me to make him talk to her and I said me and her are done which ive made clear idk what she's expecting from me but if he's also done then maybe she shouldn't say things she doesn't mean.
If he wants to forgive then he can but im not going to make him or even suggest that he should hes old enough to make his own decisions and understand his feelings. I'd be hurt if my parent said that about me.
Idk if I'm the a%$#ole, if I am then it is what it is but I guess I want an outside opinion. I'm not willing to do anything different but just wanna know because her friends have been harassing me saying im a s%$t husband.
Comments and responses from OP:
NTA. She is the one who said all of the hurtful things. That is on her. I understand your son's position, he is not in the wrong. Just keep a strong relationship with your son and let him know that 'you' never regretted having him as your child. Her friends can go pi#s up a rope.
Me and my son are close I told him ive always wanted him and am proud of who he's becoming as a man. I DID make it clear his feelings are his own if he ever does forgive his mother then that's great if not then that's OK as well it's his life. Despite her thinking so I'm not encouraging his behavior but I don't disagree with it either.
There's nothing you can do. I don't get why she's upset anyway or didn't leave you and your son of her own volition if she hates this life so much.
I think it's only because we still live at my aunts house. It's basically ours we pay 100% of the bills but it's no rent. When they do visit they have the entire attic (which is huge it's basically an apartment) so they're fine with us living here for so long. If she did leave she'd have to pay rent somewhere or go back to her parents or a friend's place with neither are ideal.
Her best living situation is here. Part of me leaving is she has to leave as well my aunt wants to sell the place and get some money back from it if I don't wanna live here.
I do feel kinda bad because I know she has to find a place but at the same time I tried to make it work I stayed for my son I wanted him to have a family for his childhood but I wanna be happy. We don't even sleep in the same room it's been over a decade since anything intimate but I don't believe in cheating so I've been in a relationship with my hand for basically my entire marriage.
She's miserable im miserable it's just time to move on and I think she'll realize that at some point.
INFO So your stbxw has just been underemployed and miserable for the past 15 years and refused to get help for anything, just blaming you?
I don’t know how you put up with that. Good luck moving on from her. I hope you and your son find happiness and peace without her staging you down. NTA.
Our marriage hasn't been awful. Non existent intimacy but it's not like we fought 24/7. When I said I became indifferent I meant it. After she started working and I stopped "hounding" her (her words from years ago) it just became a roommate situation. The reason we're fighting now is because it's ending and her life is changing drastically and quickly
Not saying I was the perfect husband, she noticed early on that I was emotionally checking out which caused some fights but she accepted it after a while. I think she actually liked it, having her own room having most of her bills paid for and having a nice house to live in.
Has she written a letter of apology to him or talked to him?
Not a letter but she has tried to talk to him. Goes back and forth tbh half the time she's calm and just tries to have a conversation half the time she's mad and starts yelling at him and telling him she's acting like a child which is when i step in. Idk what she hopes to accomplish by yelling at him but it's just pushing him further away.
NTA - But just why are you staying with her right now? Are you staying until your son leaves for college because that is making it worse. If you marriage is over it sounds like you son would appreciate you separating at this time. There is NO reason to live in such a caustic environment.
I have been looking for apartments but trying to find a 2 bedroom in this area is difficult. Luckily because of my living situation I've been able to save a bit up so I just started expanding my search to more bedrooms which thats having more luck now it's just about finding a place not too far from his school and s%^$.
Someone else brought up my aunt possibly having to evict my wife from their house which is another issue. I don't want to cause too many issues for them they've been great honestly this setup was amazing for 2 people just getting out of college and having an unplanned baby so soon as well.
I was hoping to make my wife more aware that this is happening and she needs to find other arrangements beforehand but yeah I don't see that happening so apartment it is.