'AITA for not banning my wife's dog from our home even though my son is suddenly allergic to it?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not banning my wife's dog from our home even though my son is suddenly allergic to it?"

I have a son from my first marriage that I have 50/50 custody of. We alternate weeks. My now wife used to work in another state and she has two daughters. We dated long distance and I would see her every other week when I travelled for work. My son has met her and her daughters many many times and we moved slow. We only married after the kids were ok with it.

My wife finally got a new job here three months ago and we bought a house together in the same city my son and I live in. Her kids are still adjusting to the move and are not thrilled.

The problem now is with my ex, my son and my wife's 6 year old German Shepard.

My son has met this dog many times before and has had no issues before.

Well, after we bought the house and my wife brought the dog here permanently, there has been a whole disaster.

Remember that my son has seen this dog many times before with no issues and there is no known history of dog allergies.

But now it seems he's having a mild reaction to the dog all of a sudden. It's some redness around his eyes and sniffling. An allergist has confirmed this.

My ex has gone absolutely crazy (more than usual) and refused to let my son over unless the dog is removed. She is also not approving the use of anti-histamines if the reaction is bothering him. I ended up spending 40k to renovate our basement so my son would have a living space that is totally separate from the dog.

I also bought several air purifiers and vacuum and scrub everything every single day when he's living here. It's exhausting.

But the moment he complains of a possible reaction my ex takes him back to her house even though it's my custody time.

Now it appears my son is listening to his mother and making ultimatums that he won't be coming over unless we get rid of the dog. You can see why this is difficult for me. My wife and stepdaughters are completely attached to their dog. My wife is beside herself and is now saying she regrets buying the house together. But we are stuck with the house for a while because of financial reasons.

I really thought the separate living area was a good compromise. It's much nicer than the rest of the house. And I'm down there the entire time he is. I'm just so sick of my ex constantly trying to run my life and I refuse to put my wife and stepdaughters through something as traumatic as giving up their dog.

My ex told me yesterday I was putting the dog over my son's needs and it broke my heart. That is not what I'm doing. And it's killing me that he's hearing this from her. AITA here? My son is 13 and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to force him to come live with me on my time.

The internet was quick to share their thoughts.

oldhead wrote:

INFO: What in your custody agreement makes it OK that your wife has refused to allow your son to come or refused to allow him to take antihistamine or any other medication?

What she seems to forget is she's no longer your wife and while she has a say over what does and does not happen with her child she has no say in what goes on in your home as long as you are tending to the safety and well being of your child like, Oh I don't know, putting on a $40000 edition for a separate living space.

OP responded:

The way it's written both parents consent is required for medical decisions. My ex also buys into a lot of conspiracy theories that my son is now also starting to believe.

halftherevolution wrote:

NTA I think. It seems like his allergy is pretty mild and you've gone above and beyond to accommodate it, he's 13 not a little kid. He can take medicine if all he gets are the sniffles. Its not really fair for your wife to have to get rid of her dog for some sneezes.

However, if his allergy is anymore serious than you're letting on it's more of a problem. Regardless, your ex is being a real asshole. She should not be interfering in this so heavily and she should not be doing so by playing up the issue to your son and making him upset with you over it. Have you sat your son down and talked to him about it one on one?

OP responded:

It is a mild allergy for sure. That's even how the allergist put it. But my ex has been convincing my son it's worse then it actually is and they are both overreacting. I have tried talking to him several times but when his own mother is contradicting me he's obviously confused and is just siding with her.

TrashPandaManda wrote:

NTA. You worked really hard to come up with a compromise and spent $40,000 to do it. Your ex is being completely unreasonable. It may be time to take her back to court.

cthulularoo wrote:

He built a dungeon to keep his teenaged son in! (/s) Yeah, no teenager will love being locked in the basement when he visits his dad.

TrashPandaManda wrote:

A dungeon? It sounded like the kid got his own apartment! What kid doesn’t want his own apartment? Seriously though, you might want to get back in touch with a lawyer OP.

Nine months later, OP shared an update.

This situation is honestly tearing my family apart. My son from my first marriage is 14 now. When I got married to my now wife a year a bit ago, everything was going great. We did things by the book and made sure the kids were happy before we got married. Once we got married, my wife moved to my state where my son and I live. We bought a house together.

My wife and stepdaughter's had a six year old German Shepard. My son met this dog several times before and had no issues. After we moved in together, my son started getting mild reactions to the dog. The doctor said anti-histamines would be a simple fix but my ex refused to let him take them.

As a result, I completely renovated our basement to the point it's nicer than the rest of the house, just so my son could have a dog free space. I spent a lot of money doing this. This wasn't enough and my son, with my ex in the sidelines, gave me the ultimatum of him or the dog. At this point we'd had months of conflict and my son leaving early anytime he had discomfort.

So after discussing with my wife, we made the heartbreaking decision to let someone else adopt the dog because we didn't want my son to feel like we picked a dog over him. My stepdaughters were devastated but were very understanding. My son resumed seeing me as per the schedule and it seemed to be working out.

Until Christmas when my ex bought a dog for her family. And my son is freely taking anti-histamines now without any complaint. This has obviously not gone over well with my wife and stepdaughters. The kids are fighting non-stop with my son, who is not even being remotely remorseful. My wife is incredibly upset and angry. And I feel like a fool who fell for a very cruel trick.

I talked to my son about this who just seems to avoid the subject. My ex has basically been very rude and flippant about the whole thing.

My stepdaughters have said they'll never forgive my son and I'm just left here wondering how I salvage this.

And family therapy isn't an option because my ex opposes therapy. I'm saving to change our custody order because my ex is ab#$ing clauses that lets her deny certain medical treatments she disagrees with. I'm also feeling very betrayed by my son. I know he's being caught in the middle but his subsequent attitude has been very disappointing.

The comments kept coming.

politecranberry wrote:

Yeah this kid needs therapy. Family therapy may be good for the half that can get it in the mean time, so they can process their loss better. (So sorry, btw. My parents German Shepard is my best friend, and I'm allergic to her so this is making me have all kinds of feels).

He is devious, in pain, and I'm concerned mom may be refusing therapy because she is purposefully poisoning/ manipulating son against you and a therapist would see through that.

"My son, with my ex in the sidelines, gave me the ultimatum of him or the dog."

She knew if he asked the choice would be more difficult.

"my son leaving early anytime he had discomfort." He knows you dont want him to leave so you'll avoid making him uncomfortable which basically trains you to be a doormat.

Have you spoken directly with your son about this? He needs to understand the gravity of what his actions have caused- so please dont minimize you or your families feelings about this while speaking with him. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions, and if he cant/won't/doesn't care I'll just hope extra hard that the custody stuff works out so you can put him in therapy.

OP responded:

I have talked to him many times. And he knows how much it hurt my wife and stepdaughters to let the dog go. I'm so disappointed with how remorseless he is. And I have no idea how I can bring this family together again. I know my ex is definitely manipulating him. But surely he should have some empathy for himself.

[deleted] wrote:

"And I have no idea how I can bring this family together again." You don't, and you seek therapy to accept that your inability to do that is not your fault. It is your wife's and to a lesser extent your sons. He's old enough he had a say in his actions.

Do not do the wrong things because you're chasing after some hopeless dream of a fairy tale reunion and the family getting back together. Do right by your daughters. Do right by your son, by making him face consequences for his truly heinous actions. If he's mad at you, well, sometimes that's part of being a good parent.

OP responded:

I'm not sure what kind of consequences I can even give. His own mother is apparently orchestrating all this. He's not a badly behaved kid. It was just this one thing. But the one thing turned out to be a huge deal. I don't know. I feel like I can't do anything right.

antibread wrote:

Yes to therapy f#$k what your ex thinks. Yall need it.

OP responded:

I can't take him to therapy without my ex signing off on it too. The therapist's office has this rule.

Two months later, OP shared another update.

I have posted my situation on here before. Long story short, we ended up giving away my wife's family dog because my son developed a mild allergy after we had already bought a house and moved in together. My ex refused to let my son take anti-histamines and goaded my son into making an ultimatum, him or the dog.

So we made the decision to give the dog away because we didn't want him to feel like we were picking a dog over his health. My wife and stepdaughters were devastated. Well last Christmas, we were shocked to find out that my ex got a dog and started my son on anti-histamines. We felt completely betrayed. Especially my wife and my stepdaughters.

My stepdaughters were extremely upset with my son and we had to to keep them separated. I then decided to be stupid and petty and start legal proceedings to gain full custody based on my ex buying a dog. I said I didn't want my son on "toxic" medication like she did but I honestly just wanted revenge.

In response, my ex also gave her dog away. A month ago, my son moved out of my ex's house to my parents' house. He said he wasn't going to live with neither my ex nor me. I went over really pissed because I thought this was him playing into my ex's "schemes".

Instead, I sat and watched him cry and say that now everyone at both houses hates him and he's being bullied. And he included my ex and I as the ones bullying him. I felt like I was shot through my heart. I realized I'd done exactly what I was accusing my ex of, using my son as a pawn in our conflict. When did I become this disgusting person? How did I let myself become such a terrible father?

His face was filled with so much hurt and sadness. He was already getting shit at my home from my stepdaughters and I'd managed to make the kids at my ex's house dislike him too. What I'd interpreted as being remorseless was actually him putting walls up because he was feeling attacked.

I'm so ashamed of myself. My dad told me he was very disappointed in my actions last week. I sat in my car and wept. I'm disappointed in myself too. I created a mediation appointment with my ex and she actually participated. She also seemed to be full of regret. We came to an agreement to stop f#$king up our son's happiness just because we were AHs.

But I'm not sure if we can salvage the situation with our son. He's cut both my ex and me off completely. And I can't even blame him. I just had to get this out. I haven't been able to sleep for a while now. I tried calling my son today again. He actually answered this time. He told me he hated me. To hear your child say he hates you and actually mean it is the worst feeling in the world.

TL;DR: I put my son in the middle of my bullshit with my ex, potentially damaging our relationship forever.

The internet kept sharing their thoughts.

Magyarharcos wrote:

Hey. At least you became self-aware after the fact. Believe it or not many don't even get to this step. At least you achieved something most people wouldn't have.

impracticalconfusion wrote:

OP: let me just say as someone who has not grown up with a father figure - hearing you own up to your FU and have genuine remorse is truly a beautiful thing. Your son has every right to be hurting right now but it sounds like he is maybe 15-18 years old?

He’s acting out and in that age range - it feels easy to continue to guilt you for your mistakes because at that age, we feel we have every right to be angry and let the other person know how s#$t we think they are.

He will eventually come around. Give him time and give him space. Remind him that you love him, that you genuinely got wrapped up in a toxic feud with your ex & realize he should’ve never been tossed in the middle of this. I hope you can find peace in all of this. You’re not a terrible person.

Edit: I should note I am not 15-18. I am 25. However it wasn’t that long ago that I probably would’ve reacted and responded the same as he is.

phyxiusone wrote:

How old is he? Yes, you f#$ked up, but because you realize it, you have a chance to repair your relationship. Don't do it again, make amends, and he'll come around eventually. Never stop loving him and never stop showing him that you love him.

things2small2failat wrote:

Forever is a pretty harsh view. The fact that you and your ex both recognize your faults, own up to them, and are taking action makes it likely that there's potential for forgiveness in time.

It's something to be thankful for that your son has his grandparents to be with while you and your ex get yourselves straightened out. Do you think he would be open to receiving apologies from his stepsisters and others in the households? From his account, they seem to have played a large part in his feelings of discouragement.