'AITA for not being able to take care of my stepdaughter anymore?'
"AITA for not being able to take care of my stepdaughter anymore?"
Hi everyone! My husband (37m) and I (30f) moved abroad a few years back and last year his daughter (12f) came to live with us. As much as I love her and adore her, I told my husband hundreds of times that I was not ready to have her, but he said I agreed with this the moment we got married, so I sucked it up.
The thing is, she is smart, funny, beautiful! But she has an attitude problem and a lot of other behavior issues and this kind of thing is defying what I believe. I have OCD (I do take meds) which sometimes makes our lives harder, especially with hygiene, but no one seems to care.
My husband as well put all the responsibility to take care of her in my shoulders saying he is tired all the time cause he needs to work to provide us a better life. But I also work hard everyday plus taking care of the house and taking care of my step daughter.
He says you don’t have to do much for a teen of 12yo but still you need to provide food (she is extremely pick eater), clothes, be at home with her so she won’t be alone. He doesn’t do much around the house, and I’ve tried so hard to make her do some chores but she is terrible at doing it, everything seems more dirt after she cleans, I get stressed and then it’s a mess.
I believe I could tolerate all of this if my husband was better. But he doesn’t seem to care. We are not intimate for months, he doesn’t even say I am pretty. We don’t do anything fun together. I just go to work, take care of the house and that’s it. That’s my life. Recently I found a few OF profiles and also a lot of apps in his phone for AI girlfriends, which is terrible imo.
If I was in my home country I would have ended everything months ago, but since we are by ourselves in here I feel so much guilty cause he will not be able to take care of her properly and maybe she will have to go back to our country, and I also feel guilty that I will be taking away the chance for my husband to live with his daughter. So, AITA for leaving them in this situation or am I overreacting?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but you are a bit misguided. Your stepdaughter is not the problem. Your husband is. She sounds like a normal girl of her age. Of course her cleaning etc. won’t be perfect. Not having her around will not change your husband’s unwillingness to help you, or his apparent lack of interest. You deserve better.
Also if she has OCD, she most likely has particular standards of clean that no one else would be willing to do (speaking from experience). The child could just be normal clean but since it is not to her standards, it would be like living with a stage 4 hoarder to her.
ESH - Your “husband” basically married you to get a free nanny, and you are treating a child like she’s the problem instead of your deadbeat husband.
Don’t marry someone with children if you aren’t ready to care for those children. Anything can happen with the other parent and those children can start living with you full time at any moment. It’s not fair to the kids to always feel unwanted. Agree ESH.
Don’t marry someone and then dump all your parenting responsibilities on to them. That’s YOUR child.
NTA. You have become your husband's housekeeper and nanny to his child instead of his partner. You deserve better than that. It is time to leave him.
I mean, I agree that if you marry a man with a child, they come as a package deal. However, I don't even think this post is about the stepdaughter all that much. Your Husband has 0 respect for you and doesn't seem all that interested in his daughter either... you've said if he was 'better' you think you could 'tolerate' your life... do you really want to be living a life that that's making you miserable?
You've already said that if you were in your home country you'd have already left so I think you know the answer and are just hoping for some validation. If the marriage isn't working, then his child is not your responsibility and should not be a reason for you to stay. This situation cannot be healthy for a 12 year to live in so you may actually be doing her a favour.
You have become your husband's servant. He is no longer interested in you, just the work you can do for him. It really is time to leave. NTA.
ESH. You for marrying a man with a child when you're clearly not ready to be step/parent. He for treating you like a nanny and a housekeeper.
I think Op is totally ready to be a STEP parent. She did not sign up to be a 100% of the time parent because that is not a step parents responsibility. She also probably didn’t sign up to do 100% of the housework either.
I hate when men marry for free childcare. It's time to move out and let him parent his own kid. NTA.
I don't think it's the step daughter it's your husband. He needs to help more not just around the house but needs to be there for you as well. Then finding stuff for his phone yea that's a no, I would say maybe trying sitting down w him & talking. Imo it feels like your an in house nanny & maid.
ESH he’s her father so obviously he should be doing most of the work, but you married someone with a child you shouldn’t have done that if you weren’t ready to be a stepmother.