'AITA for 'not being discreet enough' in the open relationship my wife wanted?'

"AITA for 'not being discreet enough' in the open relationship my wife wanted?"

So. My wife (34F) and I (37M) have been together 6 years, married for 4. We have a son, a dog, a mortgage, and decent careers. On paper, things are good.

A couple years ago, she admitted (while tipsy) that she’d cheated on me early in our dating days like 5 years ago when we were still figuring things out. It sucked to hear, but I wasn’t exactly shocked. It was so far in the past that it felt weird to get angry. We’d already built a life together. I let it go.

Last year, she told me she was having feelings for a coworker which she called “an emotional connection.” I honestly didn’t know what that meant, but she said it made her realize she wasn’t built for strict monogamy. She wanted to open the marriage. She swore she loved me, loved our life, but she just can’t be monogamous.

I had a lot of feelings, but ultimately agreed. I figured: she’s asking instead of hiding it, so that’s better than the alternative. And if i say no, she will either resent me and then cheat on me, or get a divorce, or both… and so I agreed. We made ground rules: No bringing anyone to our home, don’t ask, don’t tell names, numbers, none of it, be discreet, use protection, get tested etc.

For the record, I assume she’s been seeing someone (or multiple people), based on her schedule changes and emotional energy lately, but per our rules, I didn’t ask. Things were going well. We’d still sleep together once every week or two and there was no drama or nothing.

A few months ago, I started casually seeing a woman (25F) who interned at my firm last year. She’s now working elsewhere so there’s no conflict of interest or anything unethical.

We always stayed in touch as her career mentor and have been out a few times. Nothing intense, we talk, have a couple of drinks during happy hour, have fun, and that’s it. We hooked up a couple of times and she’s aware of my open marriage and she’s fine with it.

Last week, I told my wife I’d be out late for drinks with “people from work.” Later that night, she just happens to show up at the exact bar I’m at with my date. Alone. She claimed she was “meeting a friend in the area,” but I can’t help wondering if she was checking up on me. She does actually have a friend in the area, but I found it odd that she walked by the bar I was in. It never happens. It was too perfect.

It was pretty awkward and forced. She said hi, we all did polite introductions, and she left. Since then she’s been radio silent with me. She barely speaks to me, keeps sleeping on the couch, and gives me dirty looks like I did something horrible. I finally asked what was going on, and she just said: “I just thought you’d be more discreet with your little girlfriend.”

I asked her what she means and she’s not really talking or being clear… her stance is very vague. She’s insisting that I’m too “open” with it and that I am breaking the rule? But it’s not like I’m on social media with her or anything, we were having a drink outside of a bar after work… which I do with a lot of people all the time anyway, but I guess she knew there was something going on based on the vibe?

There was no PDA or anything like that, I’m not a PDA type of guy. I reminded her this was her idea. That we had rules. That I never questioned her when she started acting… let’s say “less available.” And now she’s punishing me for following her lead? She says she’s “fine,” but clearly she’s not. I feel like I’m being guilt-tripped for playing the exact same game, just because I actually met someone?

Something about her behavior is just not right to me. I might be a little paranoid and overthinking it but I feel as if she doesn’t want me to see other people and is micromanaging me and calling foul when I do it and is indirectly punishing me for doing it which is now getting me really worried because this might be a really big issue.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Due-Contact-366 said:

NTA - She is fine with an open marriage for herself but not for you. Obvious no?

Own-Wallaby8511 said:

What she really meant was “let’s open the marriage so I can screw other men. In fairness, we’ll open it for you too - since you won’t find anyone anyway”. Now that you have found both an attractive and much younger (I’m guessing this is the real issue) woman, she’s jealous as hell. Open marriages generally don’t end well, they just end marriages most of the time. Don’t be surprised if this is where yours heads.

ifeelost22 said:

She wanted a one way open marriage and now her jealousy is eating her up. All she is thinking is “I can’t compete with a 25 yr old”. Time for a deep discussion about your relationship and what she really thought an open relationship was/is. And get ready for her to close it now that she knows what you can pull and her relationship becoming stale.

If you really want to see her true colors when she says you should have been more discreet. Agee with her and tell her you’ve thought about it and you’re taking your friend on a weekend getaway. She will show you who she is at that moment.

OP responded:

Honestly that’s my fear but I’m hoping it’s not because if it is then that’s a big problem.

SoulLessGinger992 said:

Call the lawyer, bud. Your marriage was over the second you were forced into an open marriage you didn’t want.

OP responded:

Luckily I’m a lawyer and I know a lot of divorce lawyers so I should be good, but still.

cachalker said:

"Rules are for thee but not for me." Frankly? No, your wife didn’t expect you to find anyone. She thought you were built for monogamy and pretty much emotionally manipulated you into agreeing to the open marriage. But it just didn’t occur to her that opening the marriage meant you’d feel free to explore as well. Yes, she’s punishing you for playing by her rules.

NTA. Dude…you were so discrete, it took a few months for your wife to figured it out. And seriously? She just showed up at the bar? No, she either tracked you via your phone or looked at past charges to see where you usually go after work and checked them out until she found you.

Comfortable-Focus123 said:

NTA - An open marriage can only work if both people are on the same page (or so I hear). Your wife wants only a one-sided open marriage. I find it strange that you really do not talk about the positives in the marriage in the post.

And OP responded:

To be honest, I feel like her and I are like good friends who have a child, a house, and social circles in common, and we do hook up from time to time.

I was oddly not upset when she asked to open the marriage or even when she told me she cheated in the past. I don’t “love” her like that, but I also don’t believe in love in that sense. I come from a traditional culture with a pragmatic view on marriages. I’m personally not conservative/traditional in that sense but it definitely shaped my view on relationships.