'AITA for not being my FSIL's bridesmaid when we don't have a relationship and she is not genuine?'
"AITA for not being my FSIL's bridesmaid when we don't have a relationship and she is not genuine?"
My boyfriend’s brother is getting married! While I’m excited to be supportive, I don’t want to be in the wedding party. His fiancée (SIL-to-be) asked me, but it felt like an afterthought—like she only chose me to manage her future MIL (my boyfriend’s mom), with whom she has a strained relationship and actively talks trash about her behind her back (and tries to get me to agree, which I don't).
I’ve known SIL for five years, but she only started dating my BF’s brother 1.5 years ago. When they announced their engagement, she seemed to rub it in my face, looking directly at me, almost as if to say, “I’m first in the family now.”
That same night, her fiancé immediately asked my BF to be his best man, and she gave me an awkward look. I didn’t think much of it because we aren’t close, and I never expected to be asked. I was happy just being a guest.
Weeks later, she invited me to her dress fitting. I agreed to go. Then she casually mentioned, “I hope everyone likes their dresses.” Confused, I said, “???” and she immediately called to formally ask me to be a bridesmaid. The conversation was painfully awkward. I told her I was honored but unsure, as I’m in the final semester of a demanding program I’ve worked my ass off to complete.
I didn’t want to say yes and then disappoint her due to my limited time. She responded, “If you just stand with me on my big day, that would be great—oh, and if you can handle Mom for events leading up to the day, that’d be awesome.”
At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but now I suspect she only asked me to solve her MIL problem, not because she genuinely wants me there. While she says I don’t have to do anything but stand with her, I don’t believe that’s what a bridesmaid should be. If I do nothing leading up to it and just show up, I’d feel like a POS bridesmaid.
I want to support her and absolutely will—but we don’t have a real relationship. When she first started dating my BF’s brother, I tried to befriend her. I invited her to things, attempted to get to know her, and was met with resistance.
When I asked her fiancé about it, he told me her response was basically, “I have all the friends I need.” She deliberately was making no effort. I let it go. We see each other at family events but have only hung out once, just the two of us, in five years.
She doesn’t include me in things she knows I’m interested in, doesn’t make an effort to visit unless it’s planned far in advance or super last-minute, but suddenly, I’m one of her first-choice bridesmaids?
Suddenly, I am "one of the gals"? It just doesn’t add up. I appreciate the olive branch, but I can’t shake the feeling that her real motives are obligation and convenience rather than genuine closeness.
I don’t want to cause family drama, but I also don’t want to be a schmuck. My boyfriend supports my decision, and I’ve talked to friends and family. I’m really leaning toward saying no. AITA? What would you do?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, keep your head above the drama.
NTA - If you don't have a relationship and don't forsee having a relationship in the future (which would be the only reason to do it), then you don't need to feel bad about turning her down. It's okay to dislike her, and it's okay to want to stay away from someone for any reason you can conjure. Focus on school and wash your hands of it. She sounds like a future ex-wife if you ask me.
NTA. What happened to she has all the friends she needs? She shouldn't "need" you in her wedding unless she has another motive. Listen to your gut on this one.
NTA. You are not obligated to be anyone's bridesmaid, even when you are extremely close to the bride to be. And considering you have no relationship with this woman, she treats you as an afterthought, and only wants you to be there to "manage" her MIL, whom she talks about behind her back, it would be in your best interest to decline her request.
All you have to do is tell her you would love to participate but with you being in your final semester of college, you simply cannot take even a day away from your studies as your finals and graduation must be your primary focus. This gives you the perfect graceful out for an awkward situation.
NTA. You've been perfectly reasonable and kind at every stage, and she seems to have some sort of problem. If you don't want to be her bridesmaid - for any reason you like - then don't. And your reason - that you don't want to steal credit for something you had no part in - is a great one. Good luck with your education! You don't need whatever headache she might throw at you right now.
NTA, but keep this in mind. If you and your boyfriend do end up getting married, you will be family like it or not. I don't believe in being fake. However, you should be cordial and polite so as not to cause drama unless there is actual drama she started. You may not be friends, but I think you should be friendly to each other to help avoid drama and issues with the in-laws.
Especially if she hasn't done anything directly to cause any drama with you other than refusing your attempts to hang out. If all she wants you to do is show up on the wedding day in a bridesmaid dress I would do it unless there was a legitimate reason not to. Like a very strained relationship or drama between the pair of you.