'AITA for not being grateful for my husband’s birthday gift?' UPDATED

"AITA for not being grateful for my husband’s birthday gift?"

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but my husband and I can’t get on the same page for this one. He feels that gifts, no matter how small, should be appreciated. I agree. If it was any other day it would’ve been fine, but as I stared at the coffee scented bar of soap I couldn’t fake a genuine smile.

It’s good to know that I love coffee in all its glory and anything that has to do with coffee would normally make me happy, but this? A little background information is that my husband has recently purchased a home gym device that cost him an arm and a leg. I didn’t agree with the purchase, because he wanted to start a personal training business with that singular full body machine.

He was excited about renting a small office space (that had no windows), and putting it in there to make money. He’s not a personal trainer either, and we’re surrounded by gyms in our area (3 gyms). He has spent all his savings on this one device that is now and I understand that but I don’t agree with it and the timing of it.

Today I’ve was being colder than usual, because I was exhausted and hurt. I didn’t want to talk but he kept pushing so I told him that I didn’t enjoy the gift, that it felt insulting and insufficient. He got pissed off because I’m not appreciating the situation that he is in. I don’t see it as a situation that he’s in, but a choice that he made.

He left the house without saying a word and returned with flowers and matcha. I was honest and told him that it felt like putting a bandaid on it, but not genuine. He’s mad again and I’m exhausted and unsure if I’ve made the right choice and if I’m TA for not just appreciating the flowers. Idk.

TL;DR: my husband got me soap for my birthday, after spending a lot of money on something I didn’t really agree with.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: I threw my father a retirement party with both of our families and both families got me really thoughtful gifts as well. An update on his gym machine is that a part of it broke the day before my birthday (the cable snapped while he was working out.) the machine is currently in a storage space and his idea had been paused for now.

I didn’t add this because I didn’t want to sway anyone either way but I spend the entire day cooking his favorite dishes for his birthday and got him a PlayStation 5, because he had been wanting it for a long time. Those match his energy comments showed me that that was the thing that bothered me the most.

No gift would’ve been better or something that showed some kind of appreciation. His gym thing was a lapse of judgment trying to escape a job that he doesn’t love, but I hope that this is just that. Today was nice, needed and I’ve been shown a lot of love.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Evil_Capt_Kirk wrote:

NTA because objectively it seems obvious that his dreams of Bowflex riches put any consideration of your birthday a distant second. However, I have a nagging feeling that there is a lot more to unpack in your relationship dynamics leading up to this.

DISNEYLND wrote:

NTA. The fact that he invested in this equipment without even being an actual trainer is absolutely insane, plus this was so poorly planned that he wasted his entire savings? No safety net?

I am a certified trainer, and most of the battle is building up your reputation and clientele. Opening a standalone studio without having done this is unheard of, and destined to fail. I would be absolutely LIVID if I were you. NTA, he has only himself to blame for his ridiculous predicament and I would strongly consider separating over such a stupid decision.

ETA: I cannot believe this man thinks he’s going to be successful as an unknown, uncertified “trainer” (which, by the way, is a HUGE liability if he injures someone, ESPECIALLY if he does not have his own training insurance, which I feel certain he does not, since that’s something you learn IN TRAINING SCHOOL) with one piece of equipment in a windowless room. Some stupidity knows no bounds.

dtstream wrote:

NTA. I would be angry too and for a long while! First that he spent the money on the gym with not talking to you first. Then very little thought for your birthday and thinking you would be happy he bought you a bar of coffee smelling soap. That isn't a birthday gift, that is a I saw this an thought you would like it thing.

And thinking flowers would make it all better. He doesn't seem to care if you are made to feel like he put very little to no thought into your birthday. I bet you do nice things for his birthday. He shouldn't have wasted the money on flowers, it was too late to make up for what he did.

Dangerous_service795 wrote:

NTA a bar of soap. A bar of soap. No not all gifts should be appreciated especially when he can afford his wacky gym idea. This was a lack of effort and a big old no!

I'm seeing stupid comments like "you're a gold digger" what bloody gold! He gave her soap! He can and should have done better than that! I hope these people get nothing but socks and lynx body wash for Christmas. What gold do you speak of exactly!

Forsoothia wrote:

NTA. I get this 100%. My husband once spent $500 on a PS5 and two days later gave me a cardboard box of random snacks from the Japanese market (some I couldn’t eat because they had shrimp in them). I really am not someone who cares about the price of my gifts.

It was more the fact that he got something so expensive and indulgent for himself and then grabbed a bunch of random shit for me at the last second.

He spent money to spoil himself and got you a bar of soap like you’re an afterthought.