'AITA for not being a part of my dad's life with his new second chance family?'

"AITA for not being a part of my dad or his new second chance family's life? And for forgiving him on behalf of my late sister to help ease his guilty conscience?"

This is mostly about my dad "Tom" who I'll be calling Tom throughout the post because IRL I use his first name and have for several years now. Tom married my late mom and they had my late sister (21f when she died) together and then Tom enlisted in the military. I (24m) was born 3 years later.

Tom wasn't around very much when me and my sister were growing up. If we saw him for an entire week out of the year that was a lot. When he wasn't overseas he would travel around with his military buddies or visit different family members throughout the states. It very much felt like he came "home" to rest and sleep and not to be with his wife and kids.

He was never with us for Christmas, for any of our birthdays, for any Father's Day or any holiday. He also didn't call very often and my sister and I used to discuss whether Tom was sleeping around when he was gone. We thought it was very likely seeing as he was gone for so much of the time.

Even Tom's own parents were disgusted with his lack of involvement in the family and they refused to see him when he would try to visit. They would send him our way. But he'd just go to his siblings or his favorite aunt's place. He was given a desk job when I was 13 or 14 but he still wasn't around very much. We saw him a little more.

But mostly he slept at work and trained with some of his buddies hoping he could be shipped out again. That didn't happen. Then when I was 16 he spent more time at home but he wasn't engaged in the family at all. It took my sister and me ignoring his birthday the year before my sister and mom passed for him to be like wth.

He spent months trying to get my sister to talk to him and saying he wanted to fix their relationship. At this time he was still mostly ignoring me. Three times before she died she told him to go f himself and told Tom he was Tom and not our dad. She told him mom had worked while he was away so he wasn't the sole provider and yet mom could make time for her kids unlike him.

The day her and mom died, my sister told Tom she would never forgive him or want a relationship with him and that she hated him and it would have been easier for all of us if he had died overseas instead of coming home because then we wouldn't have dealt with so many years of him not caring. Three hours after that my sister and mom were dead.

I wasn't living at home when they died and I took charge of the funerals and everything. Tom tried to once or twice but he was shamed into staying out of things by me, by his parents and by some of his siblings who welcomed him into their homes when he was avoiding his family. A year after my mom and sister died Tom got remarried.

I was invited but didn't go and I didn't stay in touch with him throughout that period or after. I knew from some of his family that he and his wife had kids together and he has a whole other family. About a year ago he started to remember I exist and he contacted me through social media. I told him it was too late and he needed to focus on his second chance family and leave me alone.

He told me he didn't want to carry the guilt of losing two of his children and being hated by them in our/his final moments. I told him he didn't have a choice in that anymore and the time to avoid that was when we were kids and wanted and needed our father around. He has messaged me several times but I ignore them and don't engage back. Most are left unread even.

His wife contacted me through social media recently as well. Or I'm assuming it's her but I'm not 100% positive. She (again assuming it's her) told me that he carries around the guilt of my sister and that he doesn't deserve to carry it around with me too. She said I should forgive on both our behalf's so he can be lifted of his guilt.

She said their kids deserved to know their older brother too and to hear about their older sister and that I'm the only living person who can share all that. After that he messaged me again and he begged for me to come meet his family and try to join them and repair things with him. He told me it would be all he would ever ask of me.

Now I have one of my aunts, who was one of the siblings to always welcome him but also didn't agree with him being left out of funeral planning, trying to fight his corner and saying I need to figure out a way forward with him and his family.

She asked me if I just never plan to know my new siblings and I told her yes. I said we will never have anything in common. There will always be a very big age gap. And Tom will never ever be my dad in anything but blood. I also accused her of enabling him which pissed her off.

I know I could/should block him and I might. I haven't decided that far yet. Right now not responding works for me. But seeing as this has gotten heated and my aunt is fully ready to keep fighting for him (maybe with his wife idk) I decided why not ask online. This isn't me asking in place of therapy or anything else either btw. So what says the internet. AITAH?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Exotic-rooster4427 wrote:

NTA. Tell your dad you mourned him whilst he was alive. You don't feel the need to be close to someone who has always been a ghost.

Tell him to poor his heart and sorrow into his do over family instead.

OP responded:

The time I replied I told him he should focus on his second chance family and leave me alone. But I think I'll have to send him the rest because you described it perfectly. We did grieve him as kids and we worried and we asked ourselves why he didn't want us.

Then we moved on and chose not to chase the ghost who didn't want to be around us. I might even send it to my aunt to see if that helps her understand and if not I can just ignore again anyway.

IDontGetCute92 wrote:

NTA. Your dad, his new wife and any family member fighting his corner are all major AHs. You owe your dad nothing and anyone trying to guilt trip you into thinking that you do is a disgusting human being.

It isn’t your responsibility to bear because he can’t handle the repercussions of his actions.

I’m sorry for both of your losses, OP. Compared to the rest of your family on your dad’s side, you’ve got a strong head atop of them shoulders.

OP responded:

Thank you. I miss my mom and sister every day and I hate that my sister never got the life she wanted and my mom never got to experience being really free from Tom. I wish I could have seen her as a grandmother and a mother to two adult children who were a credit to her. Because everything we were and everything I am today is down to her. She did it all.

zookeepergamewise74 wrote:

NTA. He is, at best, a sperm donor. Nothing more. The decisions he took throughout his life were his, and, therefore, so are the consequences - including the guilt. As you rightly say, your aunt has enabled him throughout his life and supported his decisions.

She wants to have you do likewise. And what happens if you DO agree to “know” his second family? How long before you’re expected to babysit, attend parties, play happy families?

And effectively pretend that your father was not a callous, uncaring man, who walked away from any responsibility. And lastly...your sister made it extremely clear on the day of her death, that she would NEVER forgive him - so you really don’t have the right to forgive him on her behalf.

You could do it for yourself, but you may want to consider why. Will you benefit? Not financially, but emotionally. Will it act as a final closure, or will it open a path for more demands from his wife and family?

OP responded:

It wouldn't benefit me to forgive him for her. If anything she might just come back and haunt me (not really, I don't believe that stuff). The only person who would feel better if I did would be Tom. He's the only person to benefit from it too. I'd feel guilty and I would feel like I was betraying my sister if I spoke for her when it goes against everything she wanted and felt.

Hoplite68 wrote:

NTA. He's upset there's consequences for his heinous behaviour, and he had his siblings to enable that. He's acting selfishly because he doesn't want to have to deal with them, and would rather manipulate you to give him absolution than actually work for it.

Tom isn't a parent to you, never has been, and frankly he hasn't been told anything that isn't true. If he's upset by the truth that's his problem and you're not responsible for his emotions Time to block him and move on with your life.

HexaOnGrind wrote:

NTA. You’re not required to carry your dad’s guilt or fix the mess he made. Forgiveness is your choice not something he or his wife gets to demand. Keeping distance is a valid boundary especially after years of being ignored. Block if you need to. Your peace matters more than his comfort.