'AITA for not being very strict with my daughter at my house compared to my ex-wife?' UPDATED
"AITA for not being very strict with my daughter at my house compared to my ex-wife, which has led to my ex-wife and I exchanging some 'words' to each other?"
I (43M) have a daughter (16F) who I have joint custody over with my ex-wife (39F). We got divorced when my daughter was a baby and the court awarded 50/50 custody for the both of us. I will admit though, being a doctor comes with its consequences. I haven’t been as present as I wish I could have been.
When my daughter was 13, she started telling me things that her mom does or rules that she has in place over her, and how she thinks it’s unfair. I’d listen to her and advise her to talk to her mom. My daughter would then ask if she has to obey those rules over here “still”, to which I said no.
At first, it was just small stuff that I find nit-picky, things like not being able to eat in the living room. As she’s gotten older, she’s started making more requests for privileges in my house, and it’s pretty much gone like this:
Example 1:
“Mom doesn’t let me hang out with friends during the week”
“Well that’s dumb. If you have a ride there and back you can go with your friends.”
Example 2:
“Mom says I have to dress modestly.”
“You can walk around the house naked for all I care.”
Example 3:
“You and mom’s houses don’t have locks on my bedroom door.”
“There isn’t a lock? I can call a guy out and have him put a lock in for you if you want.”
Example 4:
“Mom doesn’t let me drink soda.”
“Do you want soda? If so, I can order it with our groceries.”
You get the idea. I don’t want to say I’ve become a door mat for my daughter, but I’m not nearly as stingy about rules. It’s her house just as much as it’s mine in my eyes.
My ex-wife recently has been going off on my daughter and I about how I’m “letting her get away with any and everything” and how my lack of discipline at my house is leading her to break rules at her mothers house. I told my ex wife that she should ease up on our daughter because she’s almost an adult and doesn’t need to be treated like a toddler.
My ex wife went bananas over the phone with me, and at her house, she went off on my daughter for being an “undisciplined brat”. My ex-wife is threatening to take me to court for custody if I don’t “straighten up” my act, and I told her she kiss my rear.
It has me wondering though, am I being an AH to my ex-wife? Is this bad dad behavior? I want my daughter to feel safe, comfortable, and happy, and I want to believe I’m doing that. If I am being an AH to my ex-wife, what do I do?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. The clothes and the door lock concern me. Is your ex remarried? Other kids in the house? Policing what she wears at home and calling it “modest” makes it seem like your child is some sort of sexual object and not a kid. Then the lock, it really sounds like she wants to keep people out. You should ask her about that more in depth.
The other things some people are more strict on than others, your ex cannot control what happens in your house. Whether she likes it or not you are an equal parent.
dociamtired (OP)
Now that you mention the lock thing, that does seem concerning. I just passed it off as she wants her own privacy and left it as that. Before my daughter mentioned it, I didn’t even know the door didn’t have a lock.
It very well could be that she’s 16 and wants privacy! Most 16 year olds do. It just was interesting to me that she felt the need to ask for a lock. I also haven’t been in many homes that don’t have locks on the bedroom doors.
It could be the house doesn’t have them or that your ex took them. I just brought it up because I think asking her would not only validate her but open it up for discussion if something weird was happening.
Let her take you to court and then say your daughter is 16 and she is old enough to decide in mediation. So your daughter can speak to the mediator. They will ask her who she wants to live with.
NTA. I'm here thinking you're letting her run wild or something with saying you're not strict. Your daughter can't have a lock?! That's some real extreme behavior on your ex's part, and a surefire way for your daughter to move in with you.
Let her take you to court and tell the judge how you're such a bad parent that you let your daughter maintain a modicum of control over her privacy and how she dresses. As long as your daughter does well in school and isn't getting into trouble, you're fine. Don't try to be the Disney dad, but be reasonable and make sure she's growing into a healthy young adult.
dociamtired (OP)
I do enforce other rules, such as she needs to have all her homework done before going out with friends, I need to see her report cards, she needs to do her chores, etc etc. She doesn’t fight me over them and does them usually without me asking, so she’s very responsible.
NTA. She is going to have to learn she doesn't control what y'all's daughter do when she is not in her custody. And her mom rules are a bit much, to be honest. She is gonna find out what LC/NC feels like I'm feeling.
Nine days later, the OP returned with an update.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who gave their input on the situation. Over the past 7 days I’ve been going through a lot of stress between work, my daughter’s reaction, and my ex wife.
To start, last Sunday, I had very long discussions with my ex wife about our daughter. To not ramble on (daughter says it’s called “yapping” now?) I’ll give you the short version. My ex-wife says that she has to be strict on my daughter so she doesn’t turn out “bad”.
She doesn’t let my daughter wear makeup, hang out with her friends during the week, eat certain foods and drink certain drinks, consume certain media, have locks on her door, wear certain clothes, and she makes my daughter text her every hour she’s not at school but out of the house on weekends, detailing who she is with, where she is at, and what they are doing.
I talked to my daughter about her mother and my daughter says her life over there is stressful, feeling like she’s always being watched. She feels like she has no freedoms or autonomy, that is at the mercy of her mother. My daughter did admit that she has been acting out recently at her mother’s house, but I can’t really blame her.
I talked to one of my female co workers who has 3 daughters about the situation I’m in. She said she is worried about my ex wife mentally abusing my daughter, and I agreed.
Some of you online also pointed out that my ex-wife could be sexualizing and objectifying my daughter, to which I’ve also come to agree to. I knew my daughter and my ex wife have issues and have been butting heads on and off now for a while, but I didn’t know it was this bad.
Regardless, I talked to my daughter about her mother’s rules at her house. If her mother doesn’t want her eating in the living room or drinking sprite, she’s allowed to have that rule. I told her she cannot like it all she wants, but at the end of the day, they are not unreasonable requests.
My daughter though very firmly asked me to talk to my ex wife about the things that bug her the most. Those things are what she does and doesn’t wear in the house, a lock on her door, and the rules in place about her friends (only on the weekends and texting her mom constantly).
I asked my daughter if she would be okay with me tracking her on Life360, and she said she’s okay with me tracking her, but not her mother. My daughter tells me pretty much everything (though sometimes I wish she didn’t over share information I don’t need to know about) and she says she trusts me and knows I trust her. But she doesn’t want her mom to be able to track her at all hours of the day.
The lock on her door was something else we discussed. I asked my daughter why she wanted a lock on her door, and she provided information I absolutely did not need to know, but basically, she wants privacy and to be alone sometimes. I checked her room out (with her in the room) and didn’t find anything like drugs or plans to overthrow the Illuminati, so she’s good on that front.
When I asked her mother why she can’t have a lock, she said it’s because she, and I quote, “doesn’t want her having sex, doing drugs, or hiding things from her”. Apparently, my ex wife just barges into her room and searches her things.
I found that to be ridiculous and a complete violation of my daughter’s privacy, and I threw a fit to my ex about it. No wonder my ex doesn’t know any of my daughter and I’s “little secret” (that she’s bisexual). She can’t even trust her mother not to go through her stuff.
Next, the whole issue about what she does and doesn’t wear in the house. In my house, I couldn’t give less of a care. Usually she walks around in a shirt with no bra wearing boxers or something. Sometimes she wears normal clothes, sometimes she goes nude, sometimes she wears one of those full body pajama suits.
Don’t care, but she knows the rules about it. She has to leave the house wearing normal clothes and she needs to have normal clothes on when guests are at the house. When she’s there alone or with me? She can do whatever.
Her mom on the other hand has been sexualizing HER DAUGHTER and making incredibly suggestive comments about her body. My ex denies doing this but I don’t think my daughter would lie about it (and knowing my ex wife, she 100% said it).
My ex has said my daughter dresses provocatively, flaunts herself like a floozy, and is not a “modest woman”. Needless to say, this pissed me off six ways to Sunday, and we exchanged some heated words over the topic.
My daughter came over to the house today for our 50/50 custody swap, and immediately went and locked herself in her room. At first I thought maybe she was gonna go face time her friends or something, so I let it be for a bit, but after she didn’t come out after an hour or so, I knocked on her door.
My daughter had been crying. I asked why, and she said that my ex told her she’s gonna take me to court and “ensure I won’t see her again”. Just got done consoling my heart broken daughter, typing all of this out with her tears and snot on my nice shirt. There’s the update. I say game on to my awful ex wife.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Oh my. Your daughter is 16 and doesn't want to live with her, your ex is going to get a nasty surprise.
The mom is going to be crying to everyone about how her daughter cut her off. Thank goodness this girl has one good parent.
The whole nudity thing sounds more like she forgot a towel, going to her room for clothes after showering type stuff. It doesn’t sound like she’s lounging around the house naked for hours.
Dad sounds like he’s setting reasonable boundaries and rules while allowing his daughter to become more independent. He trusts her so she’s behaves in a trustworthy and respectful manner. Mum doesn’t trust her so gets the attitude and belligerence.
I’m totally with dad on the oversharing. My oldest… I wish they wouldn’t tell me some things!!! 27 and we speak every couple of days so I’ve done something right I guess.