'AITA for not being very strict with my daughter at my house compared to my ex-wife?'
"AITA for not being very strict with my daughter at my house compared to my ex-wife, which has led to my ex-wife and I exchanging some 'words' to each other?"
I (43M) have a daughter (16F) who I have joint custody over with my ex-wife (39F). We got divorced when my daughter was a baby and the court awarded 50/50 custody for the both of us. I will admit though, being a doctor comes with its consequences. I haven’t been as present as I wish I could have been.
When my daughter was 13, she started telling me things that her mom does or rules that she has in place over her, and how she thinks it’s unfair. I’d listen to her and advise her to talk to her mom. My daughter would then ask if she has to obey those rules over here “still”, to which I said no.
At first, it was just small stuff that I find nit-picky, things like not being able to eat in the living room. As she’s gotten older, she’s started making more requests for privileges in my house, and it’s pretty much gone like this:
Example 1:
“Mom doesn’t let me hang out with friends during the week”
“Well that’s dumb. If you have a ride there and back you can go with your friends.”
Example 2:
“Mom says I have to dress modestly.”
“You can walk around the house naked for all I care.”
Example 3:
“You and mom’s houses don’t have locks on my bedroom door.”
“There isn’t a lock? I can call a guy out and have him put a lock in for you if you want.”
Example 4:
“Mom doesn’t let me drink soda.”
“Do you want soda? If so, I can order it with our groceries.”
You get the idea. I don’t want to say I’ve become a door mat for my daughter, but I’m not nearly as stingy about rules. It’s her house just as much as it’s mine in my eyes.
My ex-wife recently has been going off on my daughter and I about how I’m “letting her get away with any and everything” and how my lack of discipline at my house is leading her to break rules at her mothers house. I told my ex wife that she should ease up on our daughter because she’s almost an adult and doesn’t need to be treated like a toddler.
My ex wife went bananas over the phone with me, and at her house, she went off on my daughter for being an “undisciplined brat”. My ex-wife is threatening to take me to court for custody if I don’t “straighten up” my act, and I told her she kiss my rear.
It has me wondering though, am I being an AH to my ex-wife? Is this bad dad behavior? I want my daughter to feel safe, comfortable, and happy, and I want to believe I’m doing that. If I am being an AH to my ex-wife, what do I do?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. The clothes and the door lock concern me. Is your ex remarried? Other kids in the house? Policing what she wears at home and calling it “modest” makes it seem like your child is some sort of sexual object and not a kid. Then the lock, it really sounds like she wants to keep people out. You should ask her about that more in depth.
The other things some people are more strict on than others, your ex cannot control what happens in your house. Whether she likes it or not you are an equal parent.
dociamtired (OP)
Now that you mention the lock thing, that does seem concerning. I just passed it off as she wants her own privacy and left it as that. Before my daughter mentioned it, I didn’t even know the door didn’t have a lock.
It very well could be that she’s 16 and wants privacy! Most 16 year olds do. It just was interesting to me that she felt the need to ask for a lock. I also haven’t been in many homes that don’t have locks on the bedroom doors.
It could be the house doesn’t have them or that your ex took them. I just brought it up because I think asking her would not only validate her but open it up for discussion if something weird was happening.
Let her take you to court and then say your daughter is 16 and she is old enough to decide in mediation. So your daughter can speak to the mediator. They will ask her who she wants to live with.
NTA. I'm here thinking you're letting her run wild or something with saying you're not strict. Your daughter can't have a lock?! That's some real extreme behavior on your ex's part, and a surefire way for your daughter to move in with you.
Let her take you to court and tell the judge how you're such a bad parent that you let your daughter maintain a modicum of control over her privacy and how she dresses. As long as your daughter does well in school and isn't getting into trouble, you're fine. Don't try to be the Disney dad, but be reasonable and make sure she's growing into a healthy young adult.
dociamtired (OP)
I do enforce other rules, such as she needs to have all her homework done before going out with friends, I need to see her report cards, she needs to do her chores, etc etc. She doesn’t fight me over them and does them usually without me asking, so she’s very responsible.
NTA. She is going to have to learn she doesn't control what y'all's daughter do when she is not in her custody. And her mom rules are a bit much, to be honest. She is gonna find out what LC/NC feels like I'm feeling.