'AITA for not bringing anything to my coworker’s 'chill' hangout and being called a freeloader?'
"AITA for not bringing anything to my coworker’s 'chill' hangout and now being called a freeloader?"
AITA? So a few weeks ago, one of my coworkers invited me (and a few others) over to his place over text to “come chill” he said to come over around 2 PM, so I figured it would be a super casual hangout and not a full-on party. I didn’t bring any alcohol because I wasn’t planning to drink that early in the day.
When I got there, everyone else was having beers, so I accepted one from a coworker and later Venmoed him for it. Everything seemed fine we hung out, talked, and I thought it went well. What I didn’t realize was that this “chill” was actually more of a cookout. He grilled a bunch of meat for everyone, but I didn’t eat since I had dinner plans later with my girlfriend.
Nobody said anything about it at the time, so I figured no big deal. Fast forward to now and he’s hosting a Halloween party and told me I could come. But the way he said it was kind of patronizing, like “You should really bring something this time maybe beer, candy, or chips.”
I took it as him being a little irritated, so I apologized for not bringing anything before and explained that I didn’t know it was a cookout. Then I found out through other coworkers that he’s been telling people I “never bring anything to parties” and basically calling me a freeloader.
Multiple people have mentioned it, so clearly he’s been talking. Now I feel awkward about the Halloween party. I don’t want to seem like I’m overcompensating by bringing a lot of food and beer, but I also don’t want to prove his point. AITA for not bringing anything to the first hangout? And what should I bring to the Halloween party to make things right?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
witcher252 wrote:
NTA. If you’re hosting a party and want people to bring things you tell them.
Mentioning that it’s a dinner party/grillout/potluck is different from asking someone to just hang out, and 2 pm is pretty much between meals.
archetyping101 wrote:
NTA. If someone wanted you to bring something, say BYOB or something. Also at 2pm for a chill, nmi don't think it implies party or cookout. If he wanted you to bring something, he should say that. If it's a potluck, we tell people. If we are wanting everyone to bring something, we delegate like "Joe is bringing pop and Suzy is bringing chips. Bring a dip or something!"
Also, if you've always shown up empty handed, you should always ask "hey do you want me to bring anything?" It's always courteous to ask when it's a legit party. Lastly, with what he's been saying behind your back, I'd stop socializing with him. He was too cowardly to say it to your face and has been unnecessarily spreading it at work. That's a dick move.
BlondDee1970 wrote:
Meh. I don't know how old you are but a standard reply to any invite is "what can I bring?" And even if your host says nothing - you bring a bottle of wine or 6pk of beer to offer the host. They're inviting you and others into their home so it's always best to not arrive empty handed. Your friend is rude though to be talking behind your back unless you've shown up to multiple gatherings empty handed.
gloryhokinetic wrote:
NTA. How about you just skip the Halloween party. Personally, I would never go to his place again or invite him to mine. And anyone who told me he said those things I would tell them:
"No, he told me to come and just chill and that it was just a hangout, not a party. As I had plans for dinner, I didnt eat anything at his so called party. And I only had one beer which I paid the person for via venmo. Whats really happening is that he wants his friends to subsidize his parties. He's very cheap and skeezy."
Harleys_Angel wrote:
Since you didn’t use anything? NTA. General rule of thumb if you are invited to someone’s house yuh bring something, always but since you didn’t drink the refreshments other than what you paid for and didn’t eat as you had dinner plans and no one specified it was a dinner thing I think you’re in the clear.
lastunicorn76 wrote:
In the U.S., it’s generally considered good manners to bring a small token of appreciation when you’re invited to someone’s home or a gathering, especially if it’s for a meal, celebration, or party.
It doesn’t need to be formal or fancy since you said it’s chill and a cookout. But it’s good manners to ask “can I bring anything?” The host obviously expected more from you than nothing. So in future just ask what you can bring and go from there.
indiegeek wrote:
NTA, but you should have learned by this point in life that "Hey, I'm going to grab a six pack - what do you folks like?" Is the way to go. I thought about why tee aye, but there's a LOT of people younger than me who never got the "don't show up to a party empty handed, even if they say they're cool, bring a bottle or a snack or something" lesson drilled into them.
If it's a spontaneous thing at a friend's house, that's one thing, if it's a planned party and you're in your 20s or 30s, they ARE going to run out of beer or chips or something, so come prepared. Coworker is kind of a doooooosh for s#$t talking you to the rest of the coworkers, though.
Frequent_Army_9989 wrote:
You’re fine. People love to act like "come hang" means "bring a whole meal." It’s not freeloading if no one told you to bring anything. Just grab a case of beer for the Halloween thing and call it even.
zaritza7879 wrote:
If I invite people over than I’m the one responsible for providing food and drinks. I don’t understand why guests are expected to bring anything at all. Growing up we would only bring flowers and chocolates.