'AITA for not bringing gifts to my nephews’ birthdays because they never give my kids anything?'
"AITA for not bringing gifts to my nephews’ birthdays because they never give my kids anything?"
I (34F) have two kids. Over the past few years, my nephews have had several birthday parties. We’ve always been invited, and I used to bring gifts every time. But I started noticing that when it’s my kids’ birthdays, their parents never bring anything, or even acknowledge it. My kids don’t even get a “happy birthday” from them.
It’s started to feel very one-sided. Their parents (my brother and sister-in-law) are often cold and dismissive toward me and my kids. So this year, I decided I wasn’t going to keep doing something for people who clearly don’t return the effort. I still went to the party — but didn’t bring any gifts.
After the party, I got a bunch of texts saying I was being petty and “you don’t punish kids for adult problems.” Now I’m starting to wonder if I was in the wrong, and maybe I should’ve separated the kids from how I feel about their parents. AITA for not bringing any gifts?
Edit: For those asking — yes, we’ve always had birthday parties for my kids, and my brother, sister-in-law, and their children were invited every time. They attended a few over the years but never brought gifts or really acknowledged the occasion.
Also, for clarification: it wasn’t even my brother or SIL who texted me after the party — it was my parents. So clearly, someone complained to them behind the scenes. Kind of ironic that no one said a word when my kids were the ones being overlooked for years, but the moment I stop bringing gifts, that’s when it’s a problem.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
20frvrz wrote:
-How old are your nephews?
-How old are your kids?
-Do you have parties for your kids? Do your brother, SIL, and nephews attend?
-When they texted you, there was no preamble? What past history caused them to immediately bring up pettiness and adult problems?
OP responded:
The nephews are 10 and 13. My kids are 9 and 11. Yes, we’ve always done birthday parties — even if small. My brother and SIL were always invited, and they did show up a few times over the years. They usually came empty-handed, didn’t really engage, and their kids barely interacted with mine. No preamble.
After the party, my parents texted me saying I was being petty and “you don’t punish kids for adult problems.” That line didn’t come out of nowhere — my brother and SIL clearly went and complained to them. But what frustrates me is that when they never brought gifts or acknowledged my kids’ birthdays, nobody ever said a word. It’s always me being called out when I stop playing nice.
Sheslikeamom wrote:
Feels like some context is missing. Who is texting you these things and how do they know about the gifting situation?
OP responded:
It was mostly my parents who texted me. I’m guessing my brother and SIL told them I didn’t bring gifts, because they weren’t at the party themselves. They said I was being rude and setting a bad example, and that ‘the kids shouldn’t be punished for adult issues.
gfk_14 wrote:
NTA - and why is anyone complaining? Who sent you texts? And did they also text your in laws when they did not gift in the past? This is weird.
OP responded:
My parents blew up my phone after the party all because I didn’t bring a gift. But funny how nobody had a word to say when my brother and SIL skipped my kids’ birthdays like it was nothing. I guess it only becomes ‘rude’ when I stop playing doormat. The double standard is insane.
Gorgeous-Angelface wrote:
You respond with “isn’t that what you have done? you punish MY kids with no birthday gifts because of YOUR adult problems. I thought that is how we were treating our kids’ birthdays…no presents. You set the tone. I just followed it.”
Blonddee1970 wrote:
INFO: Are you having birthday parties and inviting them and they show up without a gift? If so, have you asked directly about the reciprocity of gifts?
OP responded:
Yes, we’ve had birthday parties for my kids every year and always invited them. They’ve shown up a few times — no gifts, no card, no acknowledgment. I never made a scene about it, but it did feel one-sided after a while.
No, I didn’t ask them directly about it. It honestly didn’t seem like a conversation that would go anywhere — they’ve always acted like it's normal for people to give to them without giving back. I eventually just stopped matching energy that wasn’t being returned.
Endora529 wrote:
ESH. Why are you still going to parties for their kids? You people obviously don’t like each other. They don’t like your kids. Since they don’t bring them gifts, why are they going to their parties. Stop going to each other’s parties. It’s passive aggressive on both of your parts. But, you are just matching their energy. I wouldn’t be socializing at parties with AH ppl. Life’s too short for that nonsense.