'AITA for not buying my daughter extra feminine hygiene products?' UPDATED

"AITA for not buying my daughter extra feminine products?"

I know the title sounds bad but hear me out. I (32F) have 5 children. The age range is 12-5yo. I work 2 jobs, 1 full-time and the other part-time. I do get a lot of help from family members with the children so that's always amazing.

With all my children, I have been talking to them about their body, what consent is, and what is appropriate and inappropriate touches/secrets. So, when the oldest turned 9, I shifted the conversation with her to the way her body would start changing, the things she'd experience, etc.

When she was 10, she started complaining about cramps and pains in her stomach, so we talked about her cycle, what to expect and I helped her pack a feminine care bag with pads, wipes, new panties, a baggy for the old panties, and panty liners, that she could carry with her while she was on her cycle.

She didn't start until early this year just before her 12th birthday. During this time, I went out and bought at least 12 months worth of care products for her because the kind she likes is not always in stock. I kept them inside my closet, but showed her where they were when she needed them. I also gave her a box to keep in her room so she wouldn't have to go back and forth everyday.

A box usually lasts 2 cycles, so 2 months. It's been about 3 and a half months since then, and she came to me saying she needs more products because she's running low. Thinking she meant the second box I gave her to keep in her room, I went inside my closet to grab another box for her. To my SHOCK, she only had 2 boxes left. I'm sorry what?

I asked her what happen to all of her products. Low and behold, this child has become the pad dealing fairy at school. She is a popular kid, so a lot of kids talk to or want to be around her. Some of her friends have also started their cycles around the same time she did.

Because of this, she's been passing all her products out to them since then. I told her there's nothing wrong with helping your friends when they are in a rough spot, but she doesn't need to be giving all her products away or taking her products with her when she doesn't need them.

About a week after that, she came to me saying she needed more wipes because she was out. I know that was impossible because 2 days prior I bought her a box of wipes. I told her as much, and she said, "Well, my friend needed some wipes because she asked me for some." I said, "So you gave her a full box of wipes?" She said, "Well, she needed them."

I explained to her AGAIN, not to hand out all of her products to her friends. I said a bunch of things, but ended saying, "if she needs A WIPE, give her 1 for now and maybe 1 for later, the same with the pads. It is NOT acceptable to give her a full box, because now, what are YOU going to use?" She said, "you can just buy me some more."

I feel I need to say, we are not struggling financially, but for me to continue to buy that many extra products, WOULD put us in a bind eventually overtime as they are not cheap. Anyway, at that point in the conversation I did become frustrated and raised my voice to her. I said, I am not their parent, I'm yours. It is NOT my job to make sure they have feminine products, underwear or anything else.

If your friends are on their cycle, I'm SURE their parents know and their parents can do their job and buy their child what they need. YOU and you ONLY are my responsibility. I will NOT keep buying extra products for you to just give them all away like money is easy to come by. I work hard to make sure you have what you need and I will continue to do that because again, you are my child.

I will do what I have to do to make sure you have what you need. I will not have this conversation with you again. Stop giving out all your products. If your friend needs 1 because they forgot, GIVE THEM 1 and 1 only. You can even let them use your phone to call their parent and tell them to bring some to the school, but that's all the help you should be giving.

She didn't say much after that, but she looked deflated and it made me feel terrible. Later that night, I acknowledged her giving heart and how that was a beautiful quality I loved in her and how much I was so proud of her for trying to help others. I also told her helping others should NOT put her in a situation where she's going without, and that's exactly what's happening.

It's okay to give, but not so much she doesn't have anything for herself. We hugged and she went to bed. It's been a few days and I'm still thinking about it. Was I too harsh on her?

Should I buy 1 box specifically for her to give out, but tell her that after that box is gone she has to wait 4 months before I buy another for her to pass out? How should I approach or readdress the situation?Should I just leave it where it is? AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

LadyLoki1985 said:

Nta, while it's kind of her to help her friends, giving away all her products is not helping , almost sounds like they are taking advantage of her.

Fancy_Avocado7497 said:

its important for girls to learn the word 'NO'. Its very valuable.

ohnotheskyisfalling5 said:

It sounds like you handled this situation well. Maybe you could talk to one or a few of her teachers about donating some boxes to the classroom? She can bring them in and set them up. That way she knows she is helping, but you can limit it to a box a month or something.

OP later shared this update on the situation:

Hello all, I wanted to address some things said in the comments and some things I feel need clarification first.

1.) No, my daughter is not being bullied. We talk every single day about her experiences at school, her achievements and worries. The singular time she was being bullied was years ago in elementary. It was swiftly addressed and she hasn't had a problem since.

2.) No she's not trying to "buy friends." Even from kindergarten, kids have always flocked to her wanting to sit by/talk to her, asking about her when she's not there, or making/bringing her things they made or bought for her.

She is a genuinely caring and overall nice person, added to the fact she's very beautiful, which is why she's never had an issue making or keeping friends. However, she is quick to cut people off, a trait she got from me lol, so the notion she would do things JUST to get friends isn't true.

3.) My daughter has done some type of sport since she was 1. The team she's on now, she has about 6 girls she is closest with currently and these are the girls in question. They all do not have their cycles at the same time which is why she was carrying pads every day to help whichever one was on.

4.) I do NOT feel it's my place to speak with a child about something like that without their parent knowing or giving permission, so no, I will not be doing that.

5.) I addressed this in the comments, but will say it again. I am NOT willing to risk my home's financial security JUST to supply other kids that aren't my responsibility. Regardless of how harsh that sounds, my kids come first. Sending supplies to the school every month will not happen.

Anyway, on to other news. I did have another talk with her about it, and she has no idea about if her friend group can or cannot afford products. They ask, she gives and that's the end of the story. Just like when she asks them for things and they give them to her.

That's the dynamic of their friendship. They talk and text ALL day long and they help each other. For example, she said she wanted to match one of the girls for a school day, so the girl went and bought her a whole outfit just so they could twin.

While I have met the whole friend group, because I go to almost every game, I have not met most of the parents. I have spoken to a few over the phone while the girls were talking but saying, "hey your daughter is on her period, can you buy her pads?" would be embarrassing for my daughter and for her friend.

Anyway, since our conversation my daughter HAS been more mindful in the amount of her "generosity." She also told me about the conversation she had with one of the friend group girls about the friends cycle. She walked her through the things I showed her and gave her friend some pads for the road, but told her she wouldn't be able to keep giving them so she had to talk with her mom about it.

One good thing is, the mom called me, we talked and I invited the girl over so I could have that conversation with her with my daughter supporting her so it wouldn't be any more awkward than it already was for her. By the end she was laughing and asking questions so I would say it was a success.

I helped her pack a care bag and told her to speak with her mom about refilling the bag when she needed to. I made 4 more care bags just in case I get another call, and I told my daughter to let her friends know they can talk to their moms or dad's about it or have the parents call me. So we will see how that goes.

My daughter is back to her usual self, and is making me proud every day by showing compassion towards others and being amazing. I honestly love listening to her light up when she shares about helping others. You can't teach that sort of thing and I'm just glad I get to see it firsthand.