'AITA for not buying my niece a concert ticket for Christmas?' UPDATED
"AITA for not buying my niece a concert ticket for Christmas?"
Hi, I need a quick judgement, since there's still tickets available on the website. So in addition to our regular presents we've gotten our daughter a ticket to a concert happening on the 30th.
I'm going too, primarily because I need to take her, but also I like that band's music and I want to go with her it'll be a nice experience. Today, my sister in law (my husband's sister) called me and asked what we were doing on New Year's Eve (we're having a Christmas family dinner as it is).
I said I'm not sure I'll probably be super tired from the drive back (the concert is on the 30th and so we're staying there overnight before driving back) and told her we'd gotten our daughter a surprise concert ticket. She seemed a bit disappointed and said her daughter would have loved to go too, asked if tickets were available, I said I didn't know, and she reiterated her daughter would have loved to go too.
I hate saying it, and please don't take this the wrong way but my husband has his business and I'm a working professional too, and our daughter is an only child, so I understand the difference in spending constraints. Anyway we hung up later and I felt terrible.
I looked it up and there are still tickets available. But also if I get her a ticket for her with the confirmation wrapped up like I'm doing for my daughter, and give it to her to be opened at the dinner, my husband's brother's daughter would then be the one feeling left out. So AITA for not buying her a concert ticket?
Edit: To clarify I meant if I get my niece the ticket I'd have to give it to her at dinner in front of my other niece. The gifts we're getting our daughter will be opened by her on Christmas morning.
Edit: Thought about it some more after reading the comments and I'm not going to do it. It just won't be the kind of experience I wanted us to have if I do. And I really do adore my nieces and its not even really about the cost I just want this to be me and her. Thank you for the help!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Scandi_Celt wrote:
NTA. It was a personal gift for your daughter. I love my nieces and nephews dearly, but they would never expect me to spend as much on them at Christmas as I spend on my own son. If niece's parents knew that she would love to go to the concert, the onus is on them for not buying her a ticket for Christmas. Don't let them make you feel guilty for not picking up they ball they obviously dropped.
simplyexistingnow wrote:
NTA. Don't feel guilty. Having moments with your own child and doing concerts as a parent child is perfectly okay there's nothing to feel guilty over. Not to mention, you'd be responsible for your niece since their parents wouldn't be there. Thats a heck no for me.
chaoticcrashy wrote:
NTA. Mother daughter outings are a fantastic thing! You’re building memories with your daughter. It’s not about the cost, you’re investing your time and energy with the drive. If you do decide to buy the ticket then you should buy tickets for all the kids. You can’t please everyone all the time. Keep this as a mother daughter trip.
Dangerous_Cow_7372 wrote:
Question: So are you saying if you buy a ticket for one niece you'll feel the need to buy a ticket for the other niece?
Edit: regardless NTA for not buying your nieces concert tickets. Maybe just tell the mom if she wants to buy a ticket you'll take your niece too but I wouldn't feel guilty for not buying them tickets. If it were any other present (toy, clothes, etc) and the mom said "oh my daughter would love that" would you feel obligated to get it for her too?
kbyethx wrote:
NTA! But there’s a trend on AITA lately, or maybe around the holidays where extended family members expect others to buy their kids gifts. Or even their ex’s children gifts. You have no obligations to anyone other than your nuclear family. You can send this mom a link to the ticket and recommend she get one. You’re giving her an amazing gift idea. You don’t owe her daughter a gift.
Kiriyogi wrote:
NTA- are your daughter and her cousins particularly close? Do they bond over the music? Yes- it might suck that your niece can't go, but frankly her parents could also buy the ticket. She asked if there were more instead of looking it up. If you're going to get tickets for one niece- then get for the other too.
But also realize that this is setting the precedent- that you will be expected to provide other nice things for your nieces- so plan to be guilt tripped about vacations, a car, a college fund, etc. Not everyone is going to get what they want. It doesn't make you bad not to provide for everyone.
shdgaf wrote:
NTA. This sounds like a slippery slope, too. Will it be expected that you take her daughter to every experience you plan for your own going forward? Concerts are announced well in advance - your SIL could have started saving or coordinating with you at any point in the last year.
Historical_Carpet262 wrote:
NTA. Tell your SIL if she ends up buying tickets for her and her daughter to let you know and you'd love to meet up at the concert. Then you aren't excluding anyone but you also aren't taking on any additional burden besides coordinating a meetup. Which again, should be inside the concert.
StarCaptain7733 wrote:
NTA, your sister-in-law expecting you to buy her daughter a concert ticket out of nowhere is crazy.
11 days later OP posted this update:
I didn't end up buying my niece the ticket. Like I said back then it wasn't about the cost as much as the experience that I wanted to have with my daughter. Like always we gave her her presents on Christmas morning including the ticket confirmation, when it was just us. She was so happy that the two of us were doing this together!
We did ask her not to talk about it at the family dinner to her cousins, not because they're jealous people no I love them, but they might feel a bit bad and they shouldn't have to on Christmas. She was fine with that, and it was good thinking on our part because at dinner she was asked what presents she got and she didn't mention the concert.
We had an amazing trip, stopping along the way for food, getting dressed, screaming our throats out at the concert. When we got back, we watched a cheesy guilty pleasure of mine from when I was young (Maid in Manhattan, please don't judge me hahaa), missed our breakfast at the hotel, checked out a minute before it was due, and had dinner and lunch on the way back.
I can honestly say it was one of the best experiences that I'm going to cherish forever. She's 15 and has grown into such a thoughtful young girl and just typing this is making me emotional.
We actually did meet up with the family on New Year's Eve for the fireworks. Her cousins were excited to know how the concert was because she'd posted it on her social media. (I had debated whether I should ask her not to, but I went against it, it's not a dirty secret after all, but maybe I could have suggested it).
My sister-in-law said as a joke that "she's the favorite child after all" at which my husband was genuinely confused and said she's our only child. I don't know if my sister-in-law meant to make a pointed remark or it was just a poorly delivered joke but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for the advice, I truly appreciate it.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
verminiusrex
Glad this worked out. SIL was way out of line expecting you to include her kid in your family event, and to food the bill. Proud of you for not wavering under the unreasonable expectations.
JudeTheBear555
Happy for you and your little one. My daughter is only five but one day I’ll bring her to a concert as well. SIL comments could be sarcasm or not. Don’t care. If she’s bitter about this and her level of audacity is always high. There will be second, third, fourth time incoming.
Don’t give in. You owe her nothing. Your gifts to your niece is your choice not SIL.
Gigi-lily
I am glad you got to experience this with your daughter and everything worked out for the best! Your SIL was trying to be passive-aggressive with that favourite child comment and I think the way your husband handled it was very well done. Love when you can call out someone's being weird without actually calling them weird, lolll
Altruistic-Dig-2094
Oh man, that “favorite child” comment would have been a great opportunity to exclaim “Kevin! We forgot Kevin!” à la the mom in Home Alone.
busyshrew
I'm a mom of an only and my SIL had this exact same problem. She felt that because we 'only had one' that we somehow f*%!^$! OWED it to her to do (i.e. pay for) extra s*$@ for HER kids.
Like, WTF? We planned and were thoughtful and worked hard to have the family we wanted. Why am I supposed to feel guilty and that I need to fork out extra to make nieces and nephews feel 'even'? For children that I might love but I had NO part in the making of???
So OP, I totally see the subtext, and good for your husband for bouncing that jealous energy right back to his sister.
chocolatechipwizard
You and your daughter handled the situation perfectly, and your husband's response to your weird sister-in-law's comment was right on target. Well done, family unit!
wordsmythy
I would’ve laughed at your sister’s dumb remark and said, “it’s not hard to be the favorite child when you’re the only child!”
I only have one daughter-in-law and I always tell her. She’s my favorite daughter-in-law. She jokes and says “I’m also your worst daughter-in-law.” to which I say “yep, you’re the worst and the best.”
lavender_poppy
When I was 8 my dad took my sister and I to see the Spice Girls in concert. It was so much fun singing along and it was fun to experience it with my dad. Your daughter will remember this forever. I'm glad you two had fun.
Mutts_Merlot
You handled this very well. Your SIL is upset that she could not or did not give her child the same experience and is taking out those negative feelings on you. Blaming you for giving these special gifts to your child is easier than feeling bad about herself, even if she shouldn't feel guilty about her inability to give expensive concert tickets to her child.
Your young niece was far more gracious than her mother and seemed happy for your daughter. Hopefully she can be a good influence on her mom.
RevvinRenee
I’m glad you didn’t tell her not to post it on social media, she should be able to talk about a magical moment she had with you online!