'AITA for not canceling my plans when my friend assumed I would?'

"AITA for not canceling my plans when my friend assumed I would?"

I (25F) have a close friend, “Lena” (26F). She’s more spontaneous and emotional, while I’m very much a planner. So a few weeks ago, I told her I had tickets to a small event I’d been looking forward to for months and had already taken time off work for. A few days later, she called me stressed because her cousin scheduled a last minute birthday dinner on the same night and said she really needed support.

She then said, I figured you’d come with me instead. I was surprised and told her I was sorry she was stressed, but I already had plans and didn’t think I could cancel. She said that if she’d known I wouldn’t come with her, she wouldn’t have agreed to the dinner, and that friends should prioritize what’s important in the moment.

She also said my event wasn’t that serious. I told her I didn’t think it was fair to expect me to cancel something I’d planned and paid for without asking me first. I did offer to help her beforehand and suggested we hang out another day.

She said I was being rigid and that she sometimes feels like she can’t rely on me emotionally. We haven’t talked much since, and a mutual friend says she feels abandoned, though they also understand why I didn’t want to cancel. I feel bad, but I also feel like agreeing to last-minute expectations isn’t reasonable.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ApprehensiveBook4214 wrote:

Why does she need support for a freaking birthday party? How ridiculous. If she's so anxious/stressed/whatever that she can't attend a party for family by herself she needs more help than you can give. Namely therapy. It really sounds like she's just manipulating you. NTA. If this is a pattern I'd reconsider if the friendship is still working for you.

potatocadoes wrote:

NTA...are you sure she's actually your friend? I work in mental health and understand that no one is all bad and I'm sure she has many lovely qualities about her too. That being said, if this is repeated behaviour, maybe take a look at if you feel that this is a two-way.

Your interests and plans matter too, I'd maybe understand if it was a hospital level emergency or something but not...plans that make her somewhat anxious. I have crippling anxiety but have never expected someone to drop their life to come be my emotional support animal.

Limerase wrote:

NTA. Sometimes you have to prioritize yourself and your own mental health and well-being. Her anxiety is not your responsibility, you are not her therapist.

Her decision to say yes before she even checked in with you because she just assumed you'd be okay with canceling something for yourself to run to her rescue comes across as deeply selfish and self-centered, as well as manipulative. When was the last time she dropped everything before you, OP?

kswilson68 wrote:

Hopefully, by the time you're 30 you'll learn the difference between a family acquaintance (someone you have known almost all your life), an acquaintance (someone you've known for a long time and are in thresame circle with), and a friend. It took me until my 30s to learn the difference.

Fioreborn wrote:

NTA. I wouldn't expect you to cancel something you've planned for months and have been looking forward to, to go to a last minute dinner to be emotional support. I'd either go on my own, giving your apologies but you had plans or just wouldn't go. It's so last minute it's dumb of the cousin to assume everyone would be free. If she thinks it's going to be stressful, why even go? She could have said no.

Proud-Geek19 wrote:

NTA. I have a personal policy - if plans are made, I don’t cancel them just because something else came along. Imaging canceling on someone else to prioritize her needs? If someone does that to me more than once or twice, I find myself distancing myself as I can’t really trust that person.

Au5000 wrote:

NTA. If Léna is stressed by attending the birthday event she doesn’t have to go. If Lena struggles with this type of low key social activity, you could, as a friend, recommend that she seeks professional support to help her manage her anxious response to events such as a birthday dinner.

Her ‘abandonment’ issues (?) are not yours to fix. In fact you should not try to do so and not allow yourself to be used as a supportive crutch. Lena is an adult and would benefit from seeking professional help to develop her own coping strategies. I have a friend like Lena who is decades older and still acts like this; it’s exhausting and has cost her relationships. Then go off and have a wonderful time at your own event.

lillerwhale wrote:

NTA. If she wouldn’t have gone to her cousin’s dinner without you, she should have asked you before saying yes. I would not be able to deal with having a friend like this. The audacity of thinking other people will cancel plans for you last minute short of an actual emergency is wild.

Tree_Chemistry_Plz wrote:

Are you registered as your friend's Emotional Support Animal? That's what she's treating you as. Lena needs to learn that you wont drop your plans to cater to her needs, so do not feel bad, NTA.

You would have had to do this at some point in the future, so it's better happening now. I think you need to re-assess this "friendship" and what you get out of it. It's very clear what she gets out of it, but what has she done for you lately?

The next time you make plans for something you are looking forward to don't share that information with her, that way she wont be able to concoct something else on the same date to pressure you into giving up what you planned. Just don't tell this person stuff and give them less opportunities to manipulate you.