'AITA for not cancelling our long-planned trip because my MIL scheduled surgery the same time?'

"AITA for not cancelling our long-planned trip because my MIL scheduled surgery at the same time?"

My husband and I have a big trip planned for 5 weeks from now. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime type of vacation, 15 days on the other side of the world, over 27 hours of flights each way. We’ve been planning and saving for it for over 6 months. Both of us work very stressful jobs and very rarely get the chance to take any time off like this.(never did on the last 12 years).

My MIL (70) has several health problems. She recently scheduled a complicated surgery for exactly the same time we’ll be away. (She knew we were away) We were not consulted about the timing.

There’s almost no other family around, and the few relatives who live about 40 minutes away either don’t drive, have jobs, or simply can’t/won’t help her during recovery. We don’t have the option to reschedule our trip without losing a significant amount of money, and honestly, we suspect she chose these dates partly for attention or to create conflict, there were other possible dates.

Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her, but we feel that after all the time, money, and energy we put into this trip, and how rarely we get breaks, it’s unfair to expect us to change our plans.

AITA for deciding to still go on our trip?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

MistySky1999 wrote:

NTA. But I'm very unsympathetic to people expecting assistance from me without okaying it with me first. Other commenters might be nicer souls. Can your MIL pay for in-home caregivers? Notice I didn't say, does she want to pay. If so, she can shell out the money, the same as if you weren't living nearby to rely on.

Otherwise, tell her to reschedule her surgery. Which is quite possible since she had been given a few choices. She can tell them she couldn't get post-surgery assistance on the original date so it no longer works for her.

Enjoy your vacation!

OP responded:

Yes she could reschedule, but she choose this dates. She'll have to pay for the caregivers yes, no other option.

meeksish wrote:

NTA. It's not her responsibility to keep track of your schedules, but it is on her to check in with you if she expects/wants help with post-op care. If it's not a system where it's "you get scheduled wherever the surgeon is available" but can choose an appropriate date that works for all parties, then that's on her.

She also shouldn't expect you to reschedule your lives for her - this clearly sounds like a once-in-your-life travel, and unless if there is a super high probability where her surgery could 1) end her life, ie low success rate or 2) they need your husband to make a medical decision for her if she's not responsive, then I say go live your life. Where is FIL in this? He's not able to help?

OP responded:

Its a private hospital, could be scheduled for sooner or later. He still wants to go on the trip as well. Just really sad and disappointed that she would do this to him.

Wild_Ticket1413 wrote:

NTA. You booked your trip first. She knew about the dates. If you are her only option for post-surgical care, she can reschedule her surgery. Five weeks is sufficient time for her to arrange for other family members to come stay with her during the surgery. It's unreasonable to ask you to change your vacation dates.

Any-Philosopher2593 wrote:

NTA: she had other options but specifically chose the dates of your trip. Let her know that that alone made you assume you were not needed to help with recovery.

She had it all under control because clearly if she wanted your help she’d have asked and actively planned with you around. If she really needs you two specifically, ask her to reschedule her surgery to after you’re back and can be present to help. Otherwise list all the other people who she can rely on if she really doesn’t want to reschedule.

30Helenssayfoff wrote:

The only way this isn't an AH move by your MIL is if the surgery is time-sensitive and this was the soonest she could get in. If she had multiple options and chose this one on purpose, she's the one who sucks. NTA. Go on your trip and let her reschedule, since it won't cost her anything.

k23_k23 wrote:

NTA. Don't reschedule. She knowingly scheduled her surgery for a time you were a away. Now she has to handle you being away. Not your drama.

"Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her"...make this a hard no.

SuperGigi1016 wrote:

Your MIL sounds so much like mine...I'm sorry. My MIL scheduled a surgery for the day I was going to be induced. She expected my husband to take her. When he reminded her that I was going to be induced that day, she said that I have family who can be there with me and he needed to take her.

He then told her that he wasn't going to miss the birth of his child. She flipped out and said that he didn't love her, didn't care if she died, and I planned to be induced on that day to spite her...even though I was scheduled well before she scheduled her surgery. OP, go on your vacation. Have a wonderful time!

lilgreengoddess wrote:

NTA. At her age and her need likely for constant care, she’s probably best suited for short stay rehab in a nursing care home so she can get the appropriate care she needs.

Houseofmonkeys5 wrote:

You're gone for 15 days. She has 350 other days of the year to choose. This was clearly intentional and you'd be nuts to cancel.

Individual_Metal_983 wrote:

NTA it almost sounds deliberate.

"You scheduled surgery for when we are away. If you are going to need our help then you will need to reschedule. Or make other arrangements."