'AITA for not cancelling my plans to attend my sister's wedding?'

"AITA for not cancelling my plans to attend my sister's wedding?"

I’ve heard multiple varying opinions from the people I know IRL so I’m posting this here. For context, I have three siblings and we are all in our 20s. Our oldest sister “Jane” (F29) recently announced her engagement to a man we all knew but no one knew she was dating. And the only place she announced this was Facebook.

She claimed she thought none of us would see and had asked our father to let us know of the engagement. Her, and our mother and father live in the small town we all grew up in, less than five minutes away from each other. The rest of us live on the East and West Coast respectively.

For some reason, I (26F) ended up logging into my Facebook on a night I couldn’t sleep after getting back from a trip, and seeing Jane and “Aaron”s (30M) status update announcing their engagement. I called Jane the next day to congratulate her, and let her know I was slightly confused but still happy for her. Jane blew up at me after I expressed my confusion (in a peaceful manner) and we haven’t spoken since.

I have spoken to our father multiple times since then and have been informed that “this is just how she behaves” and that I need to “suck it up and show up” but I really don’t care anymore and neither do my other two siblings. The lack of communication has been loud, and I don’t care to unravel the layers of disrespect that have been happening.

The icing on the cake is that I have an important surgery planned for the week before that will take weeks of recovery, that has been scheduled since the beginning of the year. I’m not willing to reschedule my plans for a last minute chaotic wedding of two people that can’t be bothered to communicate with anyone.

I’ve let my family know I’ll do my best to make it but the plans I’ve made come first, especially after all the planning it took to take off that much time from work. AITA for not cancelling my plans to make sure I can show up to this wedding?

Not long after posting, OP shared an edit.

EDIT (since multiple people have asked)

I was invited to the wedding. I got an invitation in the mail a week later even though we hadn’t spoken.

The surgery is for major vision issues that are keeping me from driving and causing major headaches that make it hard to go to work every day.

No one in our family knew she was dating “Aaron”, not even our parents.​​​​​​

Here's what people had to say to OP:

curien wrote:

NAH, at least about the invitation and your decision not to go. There are people you'd like to have at your wedding but aren't essential. You send them an invitation and hope they can come. For people that are really important to you to have there, you ask about their availability before setting the date.

Sure, sometimes stuff happens and people's availability conflicts, and that's unfortunate. But that they never even asked if you would be available shows that you are in the first category of guests -- nice to have, but nonessential.

beckdawg19 wrote:

NTA. Were you even invited? It doesn't sound like you'd even be welcome.

OP responded:

I was invited, a week after this I received an invitation in the mail even though we still hadn’t spoken.

Both-Enthusiasm708 wrote:

NTA but make sure you take stock of how it will affect your relationships in your family. Seems like the one with your sister is already bad so no big lose, but will it change how your parents treat you. I mean it might not matter, but it doesn't hurt to really think about the consequences.

I wouldn't want to go. Your parents have probably just given up and deal with her because they have become desensitized to her behavior due to the close proximity. Or they are OK with her behavior.

not_a_doormat_69 wrote:

NTA - your surgery comes first. It's been scheduled for months. She just sprung this wedding on everyone at the last minute. She then instructed your father to let you & your other siblings know.

Got pissy with you for being surprised she was dating Aaron (much less marrying him) and hasn't bothered to clear the air with you since. Your sister has no regard for her family. You owe her nothing. Take care of yourself and have your surgery and don't give her a second thought. I doubt she's giving you one.

Katnyx1969 wrote:

Don't go. My sister has done the same, she just let us know in a text that she was remarrying her ex-husband. We've all tried to figure out a way to get out of going. I wish I had surgery scheduled. NTA.

LeviathonLorb44 wrote:

She doesn't have the minimal courtesy to even tell you she's getting married, and then she yells at you when you congratulate her? You have zero obligation or reason to attend. If your being there meant anything to her, she would have at least told you it was happening. Your not being there is no big deal, as "communicated" by her actions. NTA.

wowgamertch wrote:

NTA! Your health and welfare come first. I wouldn't be traveling after a major surgery. To many chances of complications with healing properly. Your sister's reaction is unhinged. Think she might need some counseling/ help.

KaliTheBlaze wrote:

NTA. When you make last-minute announcements, lots of people aren’t going to be able to come. There’s a reason there’s a whole industry about making and sending invitations!

Needs_Perspective269 wrote:

NTA. Keep your surgery date and ignore the wedding.

BaconMeCrazy93 wrote:

You're not worth a phone call to notify you of the engagement, but you're expected to attend? You're so important, in fact, that you need to postpone surgery?

Absolutely not. NTA.

Silent_Expert4501 wrote:

NTA bc the whole situation is whack but rescheduling an important surgery that has been scheduled all year? No way. Who knows when you’ll get back on the schedule, all the pre admissions testings and you probably let your job know or arraignments for work. Which is… a whole lot more planning than…she did for her whole wedding.

And traveling after a surgery probably isn’t worth it either. Maybe try to talk to her and your parents and be like I’ll zoom watch the ceremony and I’ll catch up with you all the next holiday or reunion etc, but I have to get this surgery and rescheduling is simply not an option for me.