Son refuses to help care for ailing father with dementia; 'I won’t help someone who wasn’t a father to me.' AITA?
"AITA for not caring about my dads dementia and not helping my sisters take care of him?"
32playersleft
I'm 41 and I have 2 sisters, 2 half sisters and a half brother. My half siblings all have different moms and are all within 3 months in age of each other and 10 years older than me.
I have not hade a relationship with my father in 2 decades and have only seen or talked to him a handful of times in those 2 decades. The man is just an ahole and always has been. My brother doesn't talk to him or like him either.
My brother text me that he heard from my sister that my dad has got bad dementia and all my sisters have been taking care of him because he is in a lot of debt and can't work because of his condition.
I asked in the family group text what the deal was and my sister explained what's going on with him. She didn't want to post in the group chat about his condition because she knows my brother hates him and didn't want to read anything bad said about him in the chat because she was upset about dealing with his failing health.
I'm probably the most well off out of all of us and she asked if I could help in anyway and I told her I haven't had a relationship with that man in decades and then said if he wanted someone to take care of him when he got old he shouldn't have been a horrible father.
Many people had true monsters as parent and he wasn't a monster but he made life as kid for me a lot worse than it needed to be. My sister got upset and then we got into an argument because she wanted to police what my brother and I said about our father.
My brother didn't even really meet my dad until my brother was a grown man. We are both fathers and are on the same page with not really caring about what's going on with him. He wasn't a good father to any of us but the girls feel the need to take care of him and the boys are like meh. Now that I'm a dad I have lost even more respect for him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
LunaP3tal
NTA. But taking care of someone with Dementia is really hard. I've been there it really sucks. If they were mean to begin with they're probably only going to get meaner. If you have a relationship with your sisters it might be worth seriously thinking about what you can contribute financially. Not for your father but for the improvement it will be to your sisters lives.
NinjaHidingintheOpen
Yep, and it's the women who get roped into being caregivers.
Helanore
I couldn't understand why my parents, aunt and uncle didn't want to care for my grandma when she was struggling with dementia. After she died, it was finally revealed she used to let relatives SA my mom and her sister as children.
My grandfather knew too and made excuses. It was a startling revelation and I've cut contact with my grandpa too because of it. He was my hero and I can't even look at him now.
My sister still doesn't believe it or maybe she doesn't care and she cares for him now. She tries to guilt trip all of us into helping him, but my dad is still filled with anger that he didn't protect my mom when she was a child. It's messed up. I feel for you and your brother.
fiestafan73
NTA. Why would you help care for someone with whom you have no relationship? This isn't about you being petty. The man is basically a stranger to you.
stove1336
I have been the sister in this story. It sucks. Really. In my situation, my parent wasn't even at all like OP's dad and not nearly as bad a parent. However, I recognized my siblings' lack of relationship and never even asked for things the way OP's sister did.
I never would have even thought to try to police what my siblings had to say about our mutual parent. I recognized that their experience with our parent was theirs and it wasn't my place to expect anything from them at all.
I am the youngest. Everything fell to me for care, cost, and administrative responsibilities. I did it all alone and I have never regretted it for one minute. Just know that your experience isn't the same as theirs. I would suggest you try to at least be compassionate for them, even if you cannot be towards your father. It may just keep your heart from hurting one day. NTA.
SubjectBuilder3793
NTA. Half siblings three months apart from various women??? So basically just f'ng anything that moves and not taking care of the kids. Not much of a Dad, not really your responsibility.
ChickieD
NTA. Sounds like he wasn’t a good dad and you’re under no obligation to help him.
Character-Release643
You are NTA. You don’t owe that man anything. If your siblings want to take care of him that’s on them. Personally, I wouldn’t listen to the complaints or send money or anything of the sort. They took on those responsibilities themselves. They can find a support group or something. Focus on your family and keep moving forward.
WEM-2022
NTA. You do not owe your father or your sisters anything. They are making choices, which as grown adults, they are certainly entitled to do. You're entitled to your own choices, too.
hellouterus
As a person who is looking after my elderly mum... NTA. It sucks, and it would suck even more if I didn't like her. How about this though... do you like your sisters? Do you want to have a continuing relationship with them? Is a relationship with them important to you? Do you want your kids to continue to have their aunts in their lives?
Your sister has already approached you for help. That means she's likely struggling. If you are well off it would probably be no skin off your nose to contribute something financially, if only to take the pressure off your sisters.