'You're part of the problem.' Critics slam mom for keeping deadbeat dad involved. AITA?
"AITA for not caring that my ex is a deadbeat to his other kid but not mine and still letting him be in his life?"
I (24F) have a son (8M) with my ex (25M). We broke up right after he was born when I was 16 and have coparented him ever since. We lived in the same neighborhood so it made it really easy.
After we became adults and moved out we still coparent him fine and there isn't any issues. We can both show up to his events, throw a party together, etc. We're not friends and never talk to each other about our personal lives and there's never been any issues. I'm also married and have another child, he isn't married.
Back in November a girl DMs me and tells me that her and my ex had a baby together and he doesn't claim or take care of him. It was a longggg message with pics of her baby and texts included and all.
She even sent me the paternity results and that he says her 350$ in child support a month. She said his family knows and doesn't care. I was shocked he had another baby especially one he isn't taking care of and knew if my son didn't tell me, he must also not know so this must be true.
I spoke to my friends, family, and husband about it and they all told me to mind my business and that if he's a deadbeat to another child that has nothing to do with me or my son.
One of my friends who's a single mom however told me that a man that picks and chooses which children he takes care of isn't a dad and that he's a deadbeat, and also that if he abandons my son I have no one to blame but myself since I was fine with him doing it to another child.
That got under my skin so the next time I saw my ex I told him about the DMs and he got upset and told me to mind my business. It was awkward and I didn't bring it up again. The girl DMed me a few more times but I just ignored them.
It was my sons birthday last week and his party was last Saturday. My ex and I threw it together so he was there, his family was also there. We took family pictures including everyone and I posted some on my story.
I woke up the next day to my instagram notifications going crazy and so many people were commenting hate on my pictures. Come to find out the girl who's baby my ex doesn't take care of posted a TikTok about how my ex doesn't take care of her baby and didn't come to her sons first birthday party but he can take care of his other kid.
She included a screenshot of the party I posted on my story which had my @ which is how a bunch of people found me. Her video got thousands of views and 500 comments before she deleted it after I sent it to my ex freaking out. All of them insulting me saying if I was a good mom I wouldn't let my ex around my son for being a deadbeat.
My account is now private but I'm still going through my comments deleting the the hate and all of them are mostly women saying that I'm a horrible mom for being okay with having a deadbeat around my son and I must feel so special he only takes care of my son and not hers. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m sorry but what does this other women expect you to do exactly? You have no control over what your ex does or doesn’t do. And you also have no control over cutting him off from his son even if you wanted to as he is the father and does have rights. Even if you could cut him off, how does that help her child or yours?
It would only do harm to your kid. This lady is lashing out at the wrong person and everyone that has advised you to just stay out of it has given you great advice. If the other child’s mother doesn’t back off from you, you have legal options you can pursue. And just to be clear, I do think the father is a complete jerk for abandoning one of his kids, but it’s not your issue to fix.
I agree with everything except the advice to stay out of it. OP, tried that and it didn't work. She was publicly attacked. The likelihood that this reaches her son is high, and OP and his father should have a say in how he finds out this information. However, i would suggest reaching out to professionals, both attorneys to handle the potential legal aspects of it all, and counselors for her son.
NTA. This isn’t your business. I’m not sure why she reached out to you because you can’t make a grown man take interest in his child. YWBTA if you stopped him from being a father to the kid you two share. First, I don’t think you can make that decision without possible legal ramifications; He could sue.
Second, you have no idea what their story is or why he’s not involved with the other child. If his other baby mama is willing to reach out to her ex’s baby mama and willing to drag you into this by posting that tik tok, she may not be very stable and could be playing both sides.
Third, Theres never a guarantee he’ll be a continue to be a great father to your child regardless of what you do. Fourth, how does keeping your son away help the situation? Is the argument that you should be bribing him to engage with his other child by withholding your child? Because that makes you a 3rd party in their messed up game. Mind your business…your son is your business.
Pure_Young_246 (OP)
Thank you for the advice. The comments here are completely different than the ones on TikTok and my instagram. It’s been weighing on my heart and I feel so much better. I don’t see how keeping my son away helps this situation either but they’re saying a “deadbeat” is unsafe to have a child around.