'AITA for not changing my annual backyard party plans for my boyfriend and his kids?'
"AITA for not changing my annual backyard party plans for my boyfriend and his kids?"
I (42F) have been hosting an end-of-summer party with my neighbors for years. It’s always the same setup: adults and kids come, we all celebrate together, and at some point the kids go to sleep while the adults continue the evening.
This year’s plan was the same: I was going to bring my kids (6 & 10yo) inside to sleep at our home which is right next to the backyard. From the balcony there is both audio and visual access to the yard, and my kids also have a phone they can use to call me if needed. After putting them to bed I planned to go back to the backyard for a little while longer to enjoy the evening with friends.
I invited my boyfriend of 6 months (46M) and his kids (5 & 7yo) to join us. He declined, saying he didn’t feel comfortable leaving his kids to sleep at my place since they hadn’t stayed there before. He also didn’t like the idea of putting them to bed at my place while he stayed outside with me, or going to bed with them while I stayed outside.
I told him I understood completely, and I didn’t have a problem with him choosing not to come. But then he got upset and said that he and his kids weren’t actually welcome at the party because of the way the party was set up.
I explained that this party has been running for years with the same format, and it’s not really something I can or want to change for one guest. My view is that guests can decide if the event works for them, and if not, they don’t have to come. In his opinion I should have left the party with him and our kids when it was bedtime.
On top of that, during the party I didn’t have time to call him because I wanted to focus on my guests and enjoy the evening. He was very hurt by this too, saying I should have made time. This all turned into a big argument. So: AITA for not changing the setup of a tradition (and for not calling during the party) to accommodate my boyfriend and his kids?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Lighthouse_on_mars wrote:
NTA. He literally could have just came for the party, and left with his kids when it got late if he didn't want them sleeping over.
Like, that's it, full stop...
Instead, he's mad? You have only known for a couple months, wanted you to change a tradition that involves others, for what? Like, I still don't understand why he is so upset about this. It just doesn't make sense.
Tree_Chemistry_Plz wrote:
NTA. It sounds like he's upset that you're not prioritising his children and it sounds like he's shopping for a new mommy for all three of them. He didn't like your independence in deciding to continue the party as it's always done, he's reading of this is likely that you're not open to being manipulated by him to put his kids first.
You've been seeing him for 6 months, going forward take note of how often he tries to shape and mould you into putting his kids needs/care over your own established pattens of behaviour.
StarryNorth wrote:
NTA. Your boyfriend was trying to manipulate you to suit his agenda. You were very clear and open about the arrangements and if they didn't suit him, he could, as you said, have declined the invitation with no hard feelings.
He chose instead to get upset and sulk that he and his children could not claim your undivided attention while you were in the middle of hosting a party in your garden. I don't know how you feel about it, OP, but I would be stepping back from what appears to be a controlling, manipulative personality.
RevRos wrote:
NTA. Your BF is being idiotic and, I have to add, not in a cute, quirky way either. It's not a great sign that he expects you to reivse an entire event for him. Nor that he expects you to be in regular contact with him throughout it. You say this lead to an argument. Maybe it should also lead to a rethink about this whole relationship.
anonymous_forthis wrote:
NTA. Some decisions are his to make, some are yours to make, and some you should make together. Equitably sorting out which decisions belong in which category is vital to any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Your bf is showing you that his idea of equitable decision-making is that he gets to make the decisions, and you need to fall in line.
He is trying to override your decision-making power regarding your home, kids, party, time and guests. If you cede control over decisions that are yours to make, you are in for a world of hurt. Ditch him - he has shown you who he is: as Maya Angelou would say, believe him. The first time.
Depressed-n-broke wrote:
NTA. He's right to set boundary for himself and his children, but he doesn't get to dictate yours. Also, I'm sensing that he would have bitched even if you called him during the party as well. Tell him to grow up if he wants to have a relationship with you, a grown up.
MightyMouse134 wrote:
He wanted you to call him just to chat while you were hosting a party? Which he declined to attend? Very, very needy human being with no common sense. Luckily he showed this after only six months. It sounds like you have a good life independent of him, so probably best to go back to enjoying that for now. Better luck next time!
Tricky-Fig-4722 wrote:
At least he’s showing you his control issues early! Controlling and manipulating. It feels like there’s a dig on your parenting there too. He hasn’t been around long enough. Let him go.