'AITA for not changing my daughter's wedding venue? My BIL proposed to his 22-yo mistress there.'
"AITA for not changing my daughter's wedding venue even though my sister's husband proposed to his 22-year-old mistress there last month?"
I (51F) put down a $20K non-refundable deposit on this gorgeous beachfront estate for my daughter, let's call her Amy's (26F), wedding next September. We booked it 18 months out. For context, and without revealing too much, it's THE venue in our area, and it has been Amy's dream wedding spot in all of her pinterest boards.
Last month, my sister -- let's call her Carol (53F) -- found out her cheating ex-husband -- let's call him Mark (55M) -- proposed to his coworker (28F - she was 22 when they started having an affair) who he had been having an affair with. The woman posted engagement photos from the same venue...specifically the beautiful beach area where Amy plans to have her ceremony.
Carol is obviously destroyed. She called me sobbing, begging me to change venues. Says she can't watch Amy get married where Mark proposed to a girl younger than his own daughter. Can't smile for photos on THAT beach.
I feel sick for her. I do. But:
$20K non-refundable deposit
Save-the-dates already sent
Amy's dreamed of this venue since high school
Everything else is booked or 3x the price
I told Carol I can't lose $20K and crush Amy's dreams because Mark is trash. Carol says I'm choosing money over her mental health.
That I'm forcing her to relive the worst betrayal of her life for "pretty pictures." I also talked to Amy about it and she does not want a venue change. That it's not her fault Mark -- who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years -- ruined that place for Carol. Carol called Amy a "spoiled brat who wouldn't understand real pain."
Now Carol's skipping Thanksgiving. My and carol's side of the family (her daughters and to some extent, my parents) says I'm heartless. The place is cursed anyway, why should we host Amy's big day there.
My husband's side of the family says Carol doesn't get to hijack Amy's wedding because her husband's a cheater.
AITA for not switching venues?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
tosser9212 wrote:
"Who has been out of all out lives for the last 5 years"
Carol has had five years - it is sad that the wounds are fresh and deep, but it isn't your daughter's issue to repair. NTA.
Moose-Live responded:
It's not just the money. Amy wants this venue, has always wanted it, and there are no viable alternatives. Carol is making this about her. What she should be doing is thinking, "I'm still traumatised by what Mark did, it's 5 years later, I need professional help to get over this." Not trying to tank Amy's wedding.
Your parents and Carol's daughters are not doing her any favours by pandering to this. They're supporting her delusion that banning people from using this venue is an appropriate response. NTA.
OP responded:
I was genuinely surprised Mark even came up as a point of consideration. She's worked so hard to move forward from that relationship, and getting over him. The infidelity has understandably been a significant trigger for her mental health, and frankly, none of us expected his relationship with the other woman to last.
She's not seen anyone since and has been focused on putting her daughters first. I deeply empathize with the trauma she's going through and truly feel for everything she's had to endure.
ScarletNotThatOne wrote:
NTA. If Carol can't bring herself to go to that spot, that's sad. But that's all it is. There's no need for you to lose your money, or for your daughter to lose the venue she wants.
OP responded:
Thank you for the thought -- I really feel for Carol. I really do. And it's so hard to not have my sister support her niece's best day.
DawgMom67 wrote:
NTA...Carol needs to get over it. This is her ex-husband, who is clearly a dirtbag. Is she going to stay away from every place he goes to?
And tell her to stop following the GF on social media....and get some therapy.
aurora-leigh wrote:
NTA. This isn’t about your sister or her marriage/divorce. You should tell her that if anything it’s a good way to steal her ex’s engagement thunder by having your family host a gorgeous event there, and you can rinse away the bad associations.
Honestly, if they broke up 5 years ago she probably shouldn’t even know the details of the engagement. Stop stalking your exes on social media if you can’t handle knowing they’re happy!
Kind_Substance_2865 wrote:
I stalk my exes on social media to reassure myself that they *are* happy because I would feel bad for them if they weren’t. I was best man at one of my ex’s wedding (I encouraged my best friend to date her because he liked her and was worried I’d be upset). But I digress. You’re quite right she shouldn’t follow their socials if it’s going to upset her.
Loud657 wrote:
Letting Mark and his affair dictate the venue just gives him more power over everyone’s lives. A wedding is the perfect way to rewrite the memory of that spot with something actually worth celebrating. If anything, Amy’s day becomes the one people remember at that beach, not his tacky proposal.
fingernailchewer wrote:
NTA. I didn’t even really need to go past “20k non-refundable DEPOSIT”— in this economy, I wouldn’t let $20 slide let alone 1000x that amount.
Ok-Rabbit1878 wrote:
Right?? I still remember finding out one of my cousins spent $15k on her wedding and being completely flabbergasted. (We’re usually more the “book the church social hall for a potluck & get a $20 cake from the grocery store” types. 😅) $20k as just the venue deposit? And the sister wants her to walk away from that?!? The entitlement is off the charts.
Athenas_Returns wrote:
And the family is also telling OP she is heartless and it’s just money? I love how people are so free with other people’s money. I guarantee if the situation was reversed and it was Carol’s money or any other relative’s money, they would quickly tell OP to f off.