'AITA for not changing my wedding date for my mother's honeymoon even though she's paid a downpayment?'
"AITA for not changing my wedding date for my mother's honeymoon even though she's paid a downpayment and I haven't?"
So my partner (29F) and I (32F) have been engaged over 2 years. We've told people we're planning the wedding for next May. I have just started formally planning a few weeks ago. Venues and caterers are chosen, a date has been set, but “save the date” cards haven't been sent, and down payments haven’t been paid yet. Context for our choice of month:
Having an outdoor May wedding is pretty much the only thing we’ve been sure of since the engagement. We want an outdoor wedding so the months from October-March are off the table. Venues in my area are more expensive in summer months (June, July, August) and while we are stable, we are not well-off.
September and April are big months for birthdays (including both of ours). Additionally, I am a professor so April is a hectic month for me as that is exam time in our country so I’m typically grading until the wee hours of the night. So… that left us with May.
The issue: I am spending so much time explaining our choice of month because it turns out my mother (60's) and her new husband(60's) will be honeymooning all of next May. My mother and I have a fine relationship but are not particularly close.
I have 100% told her we were planning for may, but she obviously doesn’t remember. My mother has put a payment down on her honeymoon. I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when I called to tell her the date was set (her wedding was this year).
She keeps texting me alternative dates that we could do the wedding. But, and here’s where I might be the ahole, I don’t want to. I like the date we’ve chosen. We put a lot of thought into this. She is right, we could change it without any cost to us, but other months don’t work well for various reasons.
I did offer to compromise by moving it early may and have her push her honeymoon back a few days, but this was rejected. This date will be our anniversary for the rest of our life. It will be the day where we schedule extra special weekends away and fancy dinners. The date of a honeymoon isn't as special, she could change it if she wanted.
It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a years notice to reschedule it. Additionally, me and my fiance are paying for the wedding entirely ourselves.
That being said… they do have a downpayment and we don’t. They have had this date set longer than us. And it is a honeymoon, not just a regular vacation. Also it’s not like a cousin can’t go, it's my MOTHER. Should I change the date for her? I do want her there. I am honestly not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but other months truly don’t work nearly as well…Am I the ahole?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
StrangeDaisy2017 said:
NTA. Don’t change your wedding date. I changed mine to accommodate my parents (they were yachting and simply couldn’t find a slip in their preferred marina for the date my hubby and I picked) and I’m still a little sour over it.
Our original wedding date was our 10 year anniversary date. I moved the wedding to the following weekend to accommodate my parents. I wasn’t happy about it, but thought ‘hey, at least my parents will be able to help me put together my humble backyard wedding, right?!’
Wrong. My father spent the few days in state to do banking and other important things he couldn’t do at sea and dragged my mom away from all the fun stuff like manicure appointments and brunches with the in-laws.
He even tried to give me a condescending lecture minutes before the ceremony. Thankfully by then I had had enough and stopped him before he made me cry.
Stick to your date, it matters to you and your husband. Your mother doesn’t care, if she did she’d have remembered your plan or eat the cost of her deposit without having guilt tripped you over it.
cocopuff7603 said:
Your mom missed your engagement for a painting class. Nope NTA.
harmlessgrey said:
NTA. If your mother is planning to be away for the entire month of May, there's nothing stopping her from flying back into town for two nights to go to your wedding. Then she can return to her honeymoon. It's an easy solution.
decentlyfair said:
NTA. You have given a long list of reasons why May is the month and all of them valid. I would go ahead with the day chosen, if she changes her dates then great but if not then it is her decision.
First_Grapefruit_326 said:
NTA. You’re right, it will be your anniversary date forever. The consequence of not changing the date is that your mom may not be there, or your mom may change her dates, but she or her husband may be resentful forever.
wlfwrtr said:
NTA. Even if you made it work this year then every anniversary after would have to be celebrated at the wrong time if year. Tell mom, "I understand you don't want to change your honeymoon since for 2 years you obviously didn't care what I had to say and for 2 years you didn't listen that my wedding would be in May.
So to make sure that everything revolved around you when I wanted something you chose the whole month to have your honeymoon. I am still getting married in May as I said was. It's your choice if you want to be there or not." Yeah, you'll miss her but the wedding is about you and your soon to be husband not your mother.
Next-Drummer-9280 said:
NTA. DO NOT change the date. It’s YOUR wedding. Your mother gets no say in it. You chose a date that’s meaningful to you and your opinions are the only ones that matter.