'AITA for refusing to change my wedding venue despite my future MIL begging us to?'

"AITA for not changing my wedding venue despite my future in-laws pleas?"

A little backstory: my fiancé (26 M) and I (26 F) met in high school when we were 15. I ended up moving from Alabama to Utah for college while he stayed closer to home. We reconnected 8 years later while I was still living in Utah and he ended up moving to be with me 8 months later.

My parents and in-laws were very supportive of the decision and my in-laws even made comments about us getting married before it was in our sights. (Although, the comments usually included hints of us getting married “in Alabama.”)

It was truly like a movie and we got engaged in October. Shortly after our engagement, I got relocated for work to a town 4 hours from both of our parents (they live 5 minutes from each other).

Now to the wedding planning. Before we got engaged, I saw a wedding venue on instagram that was near our home in Utah that we both loved. Neither of us grew up very well off so it was more so just a dream but we loved it nonetheless. Well, fate had it that my relocation and a really great Black Friday deal afforded us the opportunity to book it, so I did.

It’s a house that sleeps close to 60 people and we have it for a few days. It’s perfect because our families just need to get there and we can cover the rest of the costs. We knew in our decision that not everyone would be able to make it, but we knew with a year’s notice that the ones that wanted to be there could be and we didn’t want a huge wedding anyway.

A great majority of our families were excited about the venue, even more so than what was expected. Except for my MIL to be. My MIL to be has only been in my fiancés life stably for the last 10 years. She initially expressed that she’d like the wedding to be in Alabama and my fiancé told her point blank that we had decided together that it would be in Utah.

It was where we started our life together and was meaningful to us and our relationship and also just gorgeous. She then tried to spin it that his grandmother, who raised him, would not be able to attend. But she was the most excited to visit the beautiful state that we called home.

My FIL is excited but doesn’t cross his wife. He even let us know he got ordained so that he can perform our ceremony after we told them the venue was booked. We’re now well passed the refund date on our deposit and my MIL is saying that she’s not sure she will be able to attend and anytime we speak with her she makes comments like,

“What news do you have? Did y’all get married and we don’t have to go to Utah?” Or “I don’t think this Aunt and Uncle will be able to attend. It’s just unreasonable.” Or “My anxiety just might not let me go.” We knew that not everyone would be able to go but every conversation, especially recently, is a guilt trip. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

WifeofBath1984 said:

NTA she is absolutely trying to manipulate the situation and guilt trip you. Call her bluff! "I'm so sorry to hear that so and so will not be able to attend. We'll make sure to post photos!". Don't take the bait!

Glittering_Pie_8661 said:

Keep planning your wedding exactly how you intend. If either of you need to speak to your FMIL just keep it simple and put her on an information diet. If she mentions the wedding just shift the conversation to something else….. Stay away from that drama. She will attend as she sounds like she suffers from FOMO anyway..

SophiaBrahe said:

You and (more importantly) your fiancé need to shut that “don’t have to go to Utah” crap down — just flat out tell her that of course she doesn’t have to go anywhere. Tell her you’ll miss having her at your wedding but that’s her decision then move on as if nothing happened because — nothing did. So she can’t make the wedding. Shrug and move on.

Every time she says anything, just say “we understand, we’ll miss you, but we understand” then go right back to talking about how excited you are about whatever (dress flowers honeymoon whatever). Every. Single. Time.

Eventually she’ll either realize you’re not budging and give up, or you will have run the clock out and the wedding will be over. Either way just don’t get upset about this. It sounds like she barely showed up for your fiancé’s childhood so it shouldn’t come as too much of a shock if she misses his wedding. You’ll be there, that’s all that matters.

zyzmog said:

My suggestion: MIL is saying that the grandmother can't make it, the aunt and uncle can't make it, and so on. I suggest that you contact them directly and ask them about it. I mean, I know you have a lot to do and stuff, but maybe they don't know that MIL is speaking for them.

AND AND AND maybe MIL is telling them stuff that isn't true as well, like "OP and DF say there's not room for you at the house." Better to eliminate the middleman and talk with them directly. That doesn't fix the problem with MIL saying she can't come, but at least she won't mess it up for everybody else. NTA.

OP responded:

I love this. My fiance and I have been talking directly to his grandmother and she was stoked initially but today has seemed a little different. I think she’s stuck in the middle, unfortunately.

My fiance isn’t close to his aunts and uncles and isn’t really concerned about if they go or not. I honestly don’t know if they’d even want to go if we had it in Alabama. He was a little problematic when he was younger and they turned their backs on him. Now that he’s doing well, they may want to be included but haven’t done anything to show it.

I did make sure to include in our wedding website that all family is welcome to stay in the house that we have rented and each of their RSVPs has included if they plan to stay with us and a map of the house with the rooms labeled so they can request which accommodations they’d like.

I’m going to see if my fiancé will reach out directly just so that the air is clear. I know he says he’s indifferent, but I don’t want him to look back and have any regrets.

Capable-Limit5249 said:

Sorry she won’t be able to make it. Not. Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming nuptials!! NTA. She is.

OP responded:

This made my fiance and I laugh out loud. It’s pretty much the path he’s taking at this point. He’s over it.

Busy_Weekend5169 said:

She didn't manage to make her son's life about her until the last 10 years.

Don't take her dress shopping. It will be pure drama.

OP responded:

Oh I did take her dress shopping. I initially wanted her there so she would feel included to hopefully get her more excited about the wedding. I took my mom, stepmom, aunt, one of my bridesmaids/stepsister, and her. I knew it may be a little awkward just because both my mom and stepmom were there but they got along well and were just excited for the day.

We all thought it was perfect. Only to get home and have my fiancé tell me she “felt left out.” Luckily, he knows me and my family and knew that no one would have done that but it still made me sad to know what I thought was perfect was twisted the way it was.

OP also shared more info. in the comments:

On whether MIL is usually this passive aggressive:

She is typically pretty passive aggressive in my presence but also super sugary sweet. It’s like there’s an unspoken beef. She has a fear of driving long distance and doesn’t want to fly but she’s lived all over the country and it sounds like a more recent thing. It wasn’t brought to me as a fear until after arrangements were made, it was just a want before that. My fiance thinks the “fear” is BS.

On what will happen if they decide to have kids:

She and my fiancé just got into an argument about this yesterday. She asked if it was my fault we’re waiting to have kids (I have an intense work schedule, but we’re also planning a wedding and have two dogs) and he told her no, that we’re waiting until we buy a house and she said “it’s okay I can just keep them at my house.” He pretty much told her that’s never going to happen.

On whether MIL has traveled before:

She’s traveled a good bit and lived in multiple states across the country. When we initially told them the venue was booked, she said they weren’t sure of their finances because of upcoming life changes and my fiancé told them if it was really an issue we could take care of (mostly just calling the bluff.)

She’s spoken about it being anxiety just around driving once or twice and said that she doesn’t trust flying unless my FIL is the pilot. It sounds like she’s fine if someone else is driving but then it’s also been said that it’s a fear of travel in general. It’s been pretty ambiguous when it comes to what the actual fear is. Which is why my fiancé doesn’t believe it’s a real thing and didn’t bring it up when we were planning.

Im not in her head so I can’t say if it’s real or not and I empathize if it is but the approach to get it to be in Alabama before that was so different than what it was now, that I don’t know what to think. The hoping that we eloped most recently was what really threw me, but maybe us eloping takes the pressure off of her being at the one in Utah? I don’t know what to believe.

On whether fiancé usually has her back:

I’m very happy to report my fiance always backs me up on stuff like this. We made a rule over a year ago that we’re a “united front” and that decisions are because WE made them together. We’re partners first and foremost. We may disagree in the background but that’s not for anyone else to know but us. I honestly think I want her there more than he does at this point.

I’ve had tumultuous relationships with my parents in the past and had to set boundaries before and we all came around so I guess I just don’t want him to harbor any of the same resentments that I have if I can help it. I’d hate for her to not be there but ultimately it is her call.

We'll keep you posted if there are any future updates!