'AITA for NOT wanting to close my marriage now that I'm seeing my ex-GF?' UPDATED

"AITA for NOT wanting to close my marriage?"

Last year, my (35M) wife (32F) gave me an ultimatum: either we opened our marriage, or we'd divorce. I begrudgingly accept to open it. She almost immediately began a relationship with our daughter's piano teacher (23M), a FWB-type situation. For most of the time, I've felt miserable and depressed. Then, two months ago, I began to talk to an ex-girlfriend (34F) that Facebook suggested me to friend.

We caught up with each other (the last time we talked was 15 years ago) and decided to meet, which led to a lovely afternoon in a cafe. Soon, we began to meet weekly to hang out and chat. That eventually led to some kissing and, in a while, to getting physical.

Meanwhile, things haven't been okay with my wife and her FWB. They stopped talking and he completely ghosted her after she insisted (our daughter's hasn't been taking piano lessons in a while now). My wife got depressed over this for quite some time.

After she got better, she began to treat me like before this whole open marriage thingy. She has been more affectionate, giving me more PDA, began to ACTUALLY have conversations with me again and to share what has been happening in her life as whole. I loved it. It felt like I've got the love of my live back.

Flash forward to last Saturday. I had a date with my ex-turned-FWB. My wife knew about that and became very depressed once she saw me ready to leave. She kissed and told that she loved me. I came back home around 3 AM and found her still awake, waiting for me.

She told me that she missed me while I was gone, and that she'd done some thinking, which led her to figure out that we should close our marriage again and to focus on healing our relationship.

I told her that I wasn't interested in closing it back, but that I still wanted to married to her and to grow old together. She says that she accepts my decision, but now seems to be depressed once again. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Alternative-Base2743 said:

I will never understand why people given an open-relationship ultimatum by their partner don’t immediately say “F you, we’re getting divorced.” I get that some might have kids, but I know a ton of divorced people whose kids spend time at both parents’ homes, and they don’t turn out any worse than kids whose parents stay together. If there’s no kids involved, there’s nothing to stay for.

Justaddwater82 said:

From the outside perspective, this wasn’t about “opening the relationship”. The way this whole setup went, she likely already planned to or already had a relationship with your daughter’s piano teacher. She asked you to open the marriage to basically allow her cheating with that specific person and absolve herself of any guilt, and now once to close the marriage once the “affair” is over.

Big red flags here. My assumption is she will want to open it again once she has someone else in mind she wants to sleep with. You’re definitely not the ass-hole here, but it seems this might be headed for disaster either way.

AdventureWa said:

This isn’t fixable unless you’re willing to close your marriage. Divorce is the only other option. She will become increasingly resentful and at some point she will develop feelings for someone else once your outside relationship fizzles. She will leave you if you don’t make one of those choices. There are lots of problems with opening up your marriage and those grow exponentially when one is coerced into doing so.

She was cheating on you or wanted to when she insisted on opening up your relationship. The most predictable result possible happened and now she is hurt by your relationship with your “ex.” If you truly wanted to grow old with your wife you need to make the decision to close the marriage back up.

And Similar_Corner8081 said:

NAH You can keep your gf and your wife can divorce you. Asking for an open marriage would be the end.

And I_DOM_UR_PATRIARCHY said:

NTA. You got stuck in a situation you didn't want but made the best of it. I'm sure you were hurt when she was sleeping with the piano teacher. That said, I hate to say it but I don't think this whole thing bodes very well for the long term longevity of your relationship. Open relationships tend not to be very stable for obvious reasons and I think that will probably be the case in your situation.

He later shared this first update:

Let's start with the piano teacher. Apparently, he went AWOL due to a bout of depression.Now that he's better, he came straight back to my wife, who has been talking to him daily, but not 24/7. I asked her if she still wanted to close our marriage now that he came back into her life. She said yes.

Whatever they did in the past is in the past and that now they're just friends, best friends. Do I wholeheartedly believe in that? Not really. I mean, they agreed to meet up yesterday, he bailed at the last second, and she spent the rest of the day saddened.

In the meantime, the situation with my FWB became more complicated as she caught feelings for me. I do like her. She's one of my favourite people on the world. But, I can't make her "mine" for I'm already taken. I love my wife and I don't want to divorce her. For now, we took a break so that she could decide what she wants to do next. Hopefully, these feelings will go away.

He later shared this second update:

Again with the piano teacher: he came to talk to her two weeks after bailing. They kept talking 24/7 for two days straight, then he told my wife that she was suffocating him and went no contact once more.

As for me and my FWB, we hung out we some of our mutual acquaintances around the same that the piano teacher went no contact again. They were very supportive of our relationship, and basically told us to divorce and get married already.

While neither of us really want to do that, we've fantasizing about how our lives would have been if we had stayed together, which led to some spontaneous physical intimacy in front of her house. Her husband caught us in the act, but seemed more troubled about the risk of we being mugged than with the fact that I was with his wife. 🤷

He then shared this third and final update:

The piano teacher decided to come back last Friday night. He told her that he went no contact because of some stuff regarding his internship and his finals. Once again, they went back to talking 24/7 and even hung out twice since then.

Thus, I asked her if she still wanted to close the marriage, she told me "Yes", then I asked if she wanted me to stop talking to my FWB, "Yes" again, and, finally, I asked if she was going to stop taking to the piano teacher, too. She went dead silent. I laughed, and told her that the marriage will stay open.

Meanwhile, me and FWB had a date in the very place were we had our first date thousand of lifetimes ago. It was very nice. She confessed have fallen in love with me once more, and I told her that the feeling was mutual. Alas, she doesn't want to leave her husband, and I don't want to leave my wife, thus, we're going to stay FWB.

That said, I think it's important to mention that I haven't been neglecting my wife this whole time. Not once did I leave her to be with my FWB other than on my "date night", nor I stopped to care for her, be affectionate to her, etc, etc.

I also kept paying for her therapy and comforted her during her bouts of depression. She got really jealous of my relationship with my FWB, but that stopped every time the piano teacher came back into her life, and disappeared with him, too.