"AITA for not coddling my nephew?"
My 24-year-old nephew is staying with my MIL and FIL to learn how to take care of himself. My husband, our kids (23, 21, 18), and I live a mile away from them. My nephew is very coddled. At 24, he’s never held a job, doesn’t drive, doesn’t cook, doesn’t know how to do his laundry, and has no social skills.
He’s been here for almost a month and for someone here to learn independence, he’s not very independent. He’s calling me and my kids daily to ask us to take him to one specific mall 15 miles away when there’s a perfectly fine one two miles away, across the street from a bus stop, he wants us to drive him to the grocery store a half mile away because it’s too cold to walk (50 degrees).
We put up with it for the first couple weeks but lately we’ve been agreeing to drives if one of us is already going in that direction. If not we suggest uber, walking, or the bus. My older two kids went to a party on Friday night and they invited him to go with them. I use the word party very loosely. There were 15 people building gingerbread houses, playing white elephant, and a Mario kart tournament.
No drinking, no loud music. The party was at my cousin's house an hour and a half away. My nephew agreed to go, then 20 minutes in started texting me asking how long this party would last, then saying he was overwhelmed and only expected 2 or 3 people to be there, complaining that my kids wouldn’t take him home, then asking me to pick him up.
I told him that he agreed to go and that if he heard party and expected 3 people, that’s on him, so if he couldn’t handle being there he could either uber or take a train.
He wasn’t willing to do either so he sat in the living room and waited for my kids to be ready to go. He told my SIL about us refusing rides and me not picking him up from the party so she called me furious that we’re treating him like this and that he chose to come out here because he’d have support while learning to be independent.
I told her that learning to be independent means learning to do stuff by himself and that I don’t plan to coddle a grown man. If my kids can figure it out so can he. Now she’s mad that I’m refusing to support her son learning independence and that family is supposed to be better than this. AITA for not coddling him?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Theplumage wrote:
INFO: Is he autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled?
OP responded:
Probably but he hasn’t been assessed. Either way my middle is autistic and isn’t nearly this bad.
Particular_archer410 wrote:
Is your nephew developmentally delayed? If not, whoever raised him did him a gigantic disservice. Who are his parents? Who has been taking care of this man? Does he have a job? If not, where does he get his money?
Has he been in college and completely supported? Moving in with Grandma and Grandpa isn't giving "get independent" vibes, grandparents spoil and coddle, it's part of the job description! NTA. SIL is the A for not raising her son. Tell her I said so. Pitiful.
OP responded:
I believe he may be on the spectrum but he was never assessed. He’s lived with my husband’s sister and BIL until last month. He was in college until 2 years ago. Never had a job. His parents supported him.
SecretCurve3898 wrote:
NTA you handled that exactly how you should have. It’s a party and he expected there to be 3 people? If anything I would think the 15 would be MORE comfortable than the 30-40 of a party party.
It is not your responsibility to be his chauffeur and babysitter. If your SIL cared so much why didn’t she pick him up? You are right he needs to learn independence but more than that it seems like he needs to learn how to cope.
How to cope with a social situation that’s bigger than expected, how to cope with learning public transportation, how to cope when you have to work around other people. You did the right thing and I hope you guys stick to your g*ns with this bc her coddling him will only make it harder for him in the long run.
OP responded:
My SIL lives out of state. He’s staying here to learn to live without his parents.
Kittenbrawler989 wrote:
NTA. Nobody is treating this grown man like a grown man. It takes 5 minutes to explain how a washer and dryer work. He should be expected to help with every meal until he can make meals on his own. He should then be taking turns making meals with all the other people in the house. Somebody could accompany him on the bus/ train system once then he has a way to get around.
If he wants to learn how to drive, then he could get a permit, and ask family to help him learn. If he asks for a ride, tell him, I will show you how to get there by bus. Then if that is not good enough, say, "Sorry, I 've offered the help, but you don't want what I am willing to give. You can figure out a way on your own."
senior_egg3496 wrote:
NTA. I'm confused why his mother can't teach him independence? Has he been referred for a psych evaluation? That seems like a priority. His grandparents need to sit down with him and make a plan for how long to independence and what SPECIFIC tasks he needs to learn to accomplish (with timelines). Teach him how to cook. Teach him how to catch a bus.
Help him get a PT job and see how it goes...etc. Your family did not sign on for this and are not responsible for him. I would not give him rides or invite him out anywhere. Your kids need to live their own lives, as do you. His mom can come and get him and take care of him if she has complaints.