'AITA for not combining income and/or sharing my savings with my girlfriend so we both have 'spending' money?' UPDATED
"AITA for not combining income and/or sharing my savings with my girlfriend so we both have 'spending' money?"
I am going to try and keep this short. My girlfriend and I moved in together this past summer. We split joint expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.) proportional to income. I make about 3x as much as my girlfriend, as a result, I pay 75% of our joint expenses. I have virtually no expenses outside of the point expenses.
My girlfriend has alot of expenses outside our joint expenses. She has a car payment, student loan payments, health insurance premiums, medical debt, personal credit card debt, etc.
At the end of the month, she does not have very much money left over. I have a fair bit left over at the end of the month, but most of it I save. I do have a "fun" money account to treat myself to nice things every once in a while.
About a month ago, my girlfriend approached me about the idea of combining income so we each have money at the end of the month to save and/or to do fun things. I flatly refused this request. I think splitting joint expenses proportional to income is the fair model for an unmarried couple like us living together and that is what we do.
Over Halloween weekend, my girlfriend's sister and her fiance are having their bachelorette and bachelor parties, respectively. My girlfriend is going to the bachelorette party and I am going to the bachelor party.
The bachelor party will be a weekend boys' trip to Florida. The bachelorette party is substantially smaller due to my girlfriend's inability to contribute significantly to the fund for the party. My girlfriend and her sister talked about the situation.
My girlfriend told her sister she cannot afford a big trip. My girlfriend's sister asked how I was affording the bachelor party trip. Then for reasons that still make no sense to me, my girlfriend went into detail about how much I make and how much I have in savings (I have substantial savings because I went to college on scholarship & after I graduated, my parents gifted me my entire college fund).
My girlfriend's sister has convinced my girlfriend that I am selfish with money, even though I cover 75% of joint expense and cover 100% of our going out activities when we do go out. I am pretty angry about my girlfriend sharing my personal financial information with her sister. But, I am unchanged in my position on combing our income.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Nooooo, I'm saying this as a woman do not join finances with her, you are already covering more than she is 75% joint expenses and 100% of dates , she's out of line asking for more and babbling to her sister. She needs to budget better get a part time job something if she wants additional $$ NTA but she definitely is.
NTA, her debts are not your fault.
Honestly, you’re not wrong at all. You’re already covering 75% of the expenses, which is more than fair. The fact that she shared your personal financial info with her sister is a huge red flag.
That’s a serious boundary issue and shows a lack of respect for your privacy. I’d really reconsider the relationship, if she can’t handle money conversations maturely or keep things between you two, it’s only going to cause bigger problems down the line.
Her debt, her problem. DO NOT combine your finances. And the fact that she’s crying that you should be giving her money is a pretty good indicator that you should be rethinking the relationship.
She has credit card debt … and , as you paint it, she was never starving or destitute. You need to lay the ground rules and she needs to NEVER tell anyone what you make, or pressure you. Not once. She is undisciplined and a spends money irrationally. It is irrational to pay credit card debt if you were not in a life threatening situation. Period.
Your gf is financially immature and she sees you as a way to continue to spend money without consequences. This type of drama is going to follow your relationship.
I agree with you on all sides of this. I’d be way beyond annoyed about her blabbing your finances. Annoyed to the point I’d stop paying everything when you go out. I’m female, I’m not agreeing with you because of gender bias.
NTA. don’t cover her expenses for her, either. Maybe find a new girlfriend who owns her finances and doesn’t expect someone else to fix them for her. ETA, baby trap warning, and alert re personal info sharing.
NTA. She's being petty & totally throwing you under the bus in an effort to guilt you into giving her money. RED FLAG! Do you need to hear the words? This thread is about to blow up with similar words bud.
Get out while you can because even random strangers can smell a selfish gold digger. We all want something for nothing, but most of us are smart enough to realize that's actually real life & we're all going to have to work, like you & save like you, for what we want.
NTA - You’re not married! And in this day and age, even a lot of married couples don’t completely combine finances anymore. There is simply no reason to. Reality is, her debts are not yours. I went through a period after college where I didn’t have a lot left over. But I buckled down, had two jobs and eventually got my school loan paid off and my car paid off.
But that was just a point in time where I just didn’t have a lot. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe the solution for her would be to move back home for a while. Until she gets some of her debts paid off.
And may I recommend to you that you should not be sharing your financial details with people. Especially if you know they’re not doing as well as you are. It’s just a bad idea.
NTA. Run away - you’re already being used as her ATM (living with you but only paying 25% of joint expenses). Having no money is a clue that she’s likely bad with money (credit card debt is more than a clue). You can’t “share” enough of your income to get her out of her hole - the “spend it all and then some” urge will consume everything you offer.
Two and a half weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Four days after my post, I had a long sit-down conversation with my girlfriend. Prior to us moving in together, we had a long discussion about what expenses I would cover and why.
The reason I moved in with her was to take off some of the load for daily expenses so that she could pay off her debt and save a little each month. Prior to us moving in together, she was going into debt each month just to cover her expenses.
I wanted to help her out but also I wanted to continue to save a substantial amount of money each month towards buying a house. We talked about all this again. I thought we were on the same page.
I asked my girlfriend if something had changed. She told me, "No." She simply is not happy with this arrangement. She has friends who have been dating a shorter amount of time than us, but they share money more readily than we do.
That is what she wants. I told her I am not ok with that arrangement and if that is what she wants, we should probably break up so she can find that. She agreed.
Shortly after that discussion, I reached out to the landlord to try and see if we could negotiate an early termination of the lease for the both of us. I am still discussing with them. My ex is looking for a new place for her and is having a hard time.
She came to me and asked if we could try and work on our relationship. I told her "no" and that she will resent me because this is not what she wants. She asked if I could help her out for a few months with rent on a new place. I told her "no." She is pretty mad about all of it, but this is where we are.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Dang. She took you for granted, and is now dealing with the consequences. Good on you to stand your ground.
LOL. So she would rather be single and pay 100% of her bills...and go into debt in order to pretend she has more money than she actually does. Then cut back on her spending and be more responsible.
Then she comes crawling back when she realizes just how badly of a mistake she made by listening to her friends. And then...has the audacity to ask for financial help? Brother...you dodged a gigantic bullet with this one.
I'm proud of you. She's still trying her hardest to shake you down for money, stay strong, don't give in to her manipulations. You are better off, far better off, putting her in your rear-view mirror. DON'T get her pregnant in the meantime.