'AITA for not comforting my brother after his wife cheated on him AGAIN?' UPDATED
"AITA for not comforting my brother after his wife cheated on him AGAIN?"
About 9 years ago, my brother's wife left him for another man. She was cheating on him all that time. My brother was devastated, they had married very young (I was always against it). I had my brother in my apartment for months.
He had fallen into a severe depression and I was the one who paid for his psychologist since he didn't had money and even lost his job because he didn't even wanted to move from the couch or bath. I EVEN GAVE HIM A BATH.
I wasn't bothered by that. I did everything for my brother. She just left and blocked him from everywhere, She simply confessed to him that she had been cheating on him for a year and that she was in love with that man.
Four years after that, when my brother was finally starting to feel better, she reappeared in everyone's life. The typical thing happened: she and her lover were no longer together, she had begun to receive psychological help and changed completely, she felt regretful, she was really sorry, etc.
I told my brother at the time to cut off contact with her for the sake of his mental health; He didn't. I always had a bad feeling and I could smell the s^%$ from afar. He started to justify her past actions at the time by saying that she changed, they were too young, she was having problems, etc., and he got angry when I told him that she is still a b%*&.
Shortly after that, they got back together and my brother cut off all contact with me because I 'didn't accept their relationship and he didn't wanted anyone to come between them.' I told him to f^(* off and we didn't talked anymore.
NOW My brother has reappeared at my house, after years without him wanting to talk to me, only to tell me that his wife cheated on him again, but this time they have children.
In the past I would have let him in, hugged him and everything but he has gone years without even inviting me to meet his children. He has not even spoken to me to congratulate me on my marriage or on my pregnancy\. I even invited him to my wedding and he didn't come.
I told him that at this moment I can't let him be in my house (which is actually true because I can't have that kind of stress). He told me that we are siblings and he needs me but I told him that I needed him too but he was never there and he cut me off for that woman. We had an argument and my husband ended up kicking him out because I was already crying.
He's staying with our parents now and my mother just tells me it's not the time to hold a grudge against him and he needs me but I can't forget how he didn't think twice before cutting off all contact with me for her.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. I will never understand why people who broke off a relationship will get back together. Does your brother want to get his heart crushed again? It's ALWAYS after the relationship fails that the cheating person comes back because they can't be bothered to go through the effort to date again. Normally, people who cheat will always cheat and won't usually change.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
I don't understand it either, but the truth is that he had never gotten over that relationship. My brother went back to her because she basically sweetened his ear with things like that she was getting psychological help, that she was sorry for everything. She even came to tell me that she was really sorry for everything.
I warned him about that but he just said people can change and she changed, they came back and then she got pregnant. 🥴
You were way too involved in your brother’s life. You bathed him because he was depressed???
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
"Way too Involved." No, i was giving him the support he needed. Some people are so depressed that they even need help bathing. I'm a nurse, I've taken care of people in the same state or even people who needed help eating or brushing their teeth.
Depression affects all aspects of life, including hygienic ones.
Perhaps you should have been more supportive when he took her back, maybe he would not have blocked you from his life and his children.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
"Yassss, I'm really happy that you're back with the woman who turned you into a walking corpse"
I’m not a psychologist, I just studied it and have a masters. I may know some things. Also I am not being paid to give psychological advice here so therefore I’m using my own opinion and ditching any “professional” verbiage you believe I should have.
Just know, when you point a finger at someone calling their fault there’s 3 pointing back at you…just sayin…you may not be the grand bathing princess you think you are.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
Wow, you're a really bitter person and everyone who responded to you has noticed that you're not okay at all. "Bathing princess you think you are" I'm sorry... What? Did I do something to you to disrespect me like that and call me a b^&%? You should keep studying, because you lack a lot.
Don't reflect your traumas on others.
lol, say whatever makes you feel better bathing savior. This is an anonymous message board and we are all allowed to say what we want. Sorry it triggered you. Maybe you should scroll on next time. Good luck.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
I hope you seek the help you need. It's obvious that you have unresolved problems with your siblings; You should take into account what you supposedly studied and seek the mental help you need.
Good luck with your life because you're really going to need it.
Listen here Queen of bath…my sister is just like you…very controlling and I had to block her as well to live my life the way I wanted to. I in no way believe she was correct just as I do not feel you are correct.
And if you were truly worried about your brother you would not emphasize on bathing him, etc. to get a cookie. It’s obvious what happened, he didn’t do exactly what you wanted with his ex (even after bathing him, the nerve right?) so you took your conditional love away and probably tried to cause problems with his relationship…hence why he had to block you.
Your brother is very weak bc he went back…that I will agree, however he’s even more weak bc he came back to you.
Sorry truth is hard to swallow but if you want a better life for your brother (which you don’t) but mostly for yourself, accept things for what they are and stop trying to control everyone. It’s not just him, Am I rite?
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
Ooh there it is, you're reflecting your bad relationship with your sister in me.
You should definitely seek urgent psychological help, your behavior is not normal. You only comment but now I understand that you are mentally bad and that is why you react like this, I hope you receive the help you need. Hugs.
It's funny how you say that you had to block your sister and yet i can tell that she lives rent free in your mind.
lol…it’s been real. Your bath lady is showing and it’s hard to converse with dumba%$ery. Good luck.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
I hope you receive the psychological help you need to help you stop thinking about your sister every day. You blocked me, lol
After this back and forth, about a week later, OP came back with this update:
I have spoken to my mother because she kept trying to persuade me to talk to my brother, she came to see me since I cannot move too much.
She basically told me that my brother is very sorry and I told her that then he should tell me that and not her, but my mother replied that my brother is too embarrassed about his actions, but I told her that I am not going to let her be any kind of mediator and my brother is old enough to speak for himself, I know he was sending her to insist that I talk back to him, my brother is an adult and can speak for himself.
That said, two days ago my brother came to my house to talk about everything.
He told me something that I always knew which is that he never got over his ex-wife and he was always totally blind for her, he believed that all of us who were against him coming back to her were toxic and he should cut us out of his life because we were an obstacle that didn't believe people can change so that's what he did with me, block me from his life.
He said that he feels ashamed of himself for having been so blind since she cheated on him again. I never told him 'I told you so' nor am I going to, 'Cause he already knows that.
There were many people worried about whether their children were his, but I can assure everyone that they are, they look identical to him and luckily she was maybe faithful at that time.
Anyway, after talking he apologized to me and told me that he needs me but I told him the same thing as that day; I needed him too and he was never there, I forgive him for everything but that doesn't mean that I want to go back to everything being like before because I don't want to put myself in that situation again.
He didn't even tell me what he's going to do with his wife and I don't want the situation to repeat. I never did anything expecting something in return but it did hurt me a lot that he turned his back on me without thinking twice and only came back when things got bad for him.
I had invited him to my wedding maybe foolishly believing that he would come but he didn't even do that, I even kept a seat for him thinking he was maybe coming late and I feel really dumb for doing that.
I told him I'm sorry but I want things to continue as before since I got used to not having him in my life and I don't trust that he won't use me as a nurse and therapist anymore. At first he didn't understand it and said that we are siblings and we should be united but when I told him that he forgot that for years, he shut up.
So that's it. I simply told him that I prefer to continue without contact with him as before and I have made it clear to my mother that I want to spend these months peacefully. Maybe some will call me cruel and say I should think about my family but I'm not going to let him treat me like she treated him.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
You are thinking about your family. Fact is he cut you out and he's only back now because he needs something from you. That's not how family acts. He made his choice years ago. Now these are the consequences. NTA.
Why demand the apology and all that in person?
I get the not wanting him in your life but why send ur mom back with a message that he needs to come talk to you about it, when clearly there’s nothing he could’ve said that would’ve made a difference? The whole thing sounds just too sad. I’m not calling anyone an AH. Its hurt people hurting people, not A-holes.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
I never demanded an apology in person, I told my mother that she should not act as a mediator for him. He sent my mother to bother me and insist that I should talk to him and let him stay in my house again, I told her that he should be an adult and take responsibility for his actions and nobody forced to do it.
At what point did I give him hope of fixing things? Could you tell me when I did that? You can forgive and decide to continue without contact. Forgiveness does not mean that the person will want everything to go back to the way it was before.
"You manipulated your mom"... by telling her that my brother is an adult and she should stop harassing me because of mistakes he made himself and she shouldn't talk for him because he's not a kid?
At this point, YTA. Your brother has apologized but you've decided to be vindictive and cut him out of your life. He made the mistakes he made because he was in love with a bad woman. Do you wish to cut out children as well? You've effectively done that too.
ArtEast1674 OP responded:
What children are you talking about? He never let me meet his children, they don't even know that I exist. You should learn that forgiving doesn't mean that everything will go back to the way it was before.
I didn't take him out of my life, he took me out of his and I told him that we should keep living that way, I need to keep my boundaries for myself and my family.