'AITA for not coming home after my surgery because my wife was at her coworker's house instead of the hospital when I woke up?'
"AITA for not coming home after my surgery because my wife was at her coworker's house instead of the hospital when I woke up?"
I am currently typing this from my brother's couch five days post op and I still don't know if I'm making the right decision or if I'm being petty, but I just don't think I can go home yet.
I had a major surgery last week. I have known about it for months. It wasn't elective it was something my doctor said could not wait any longer. I was terrified honestly. I've never had surgery before and the recovery was supposed to be brutal. My wife knew about everything. Every appointment. Every conversation with the surgeon. Every single detail.
For the past few months my wife has been heavily involved with a coworker who is going through a divorce. And I get it. The woman is struggling. She has two kids and her ex left her in a bad spot and my wife has a big heart.
But it went from checking in on her to basically being her full time support system. She was over at this woman's house almost every night. Helping with the kids. Bringing groceries. Staying late to talk her through stuff. Sometimes she would leave after dinner and not come back until almost midnight.
Meanwhile I was dealing with pre op appointments alone. Handling the house alone. Taking care of our dog alone. Trying to prepare for a surgery that scared me alone. I told my wife multiple times that I needed her to be around more. That I was struggling. That I needed support too. She kept saying I was being selfish and that her coworker had nobody else.
I also noticed our dog was being neglected. His walks got shorter. She forgot to refill his food twice. He started acting anxious and clingy which he never does. Small thing maybe but it showed me where her attention was. Nowhere near our home.
I told her I needed her to scale back. She said she would.
She didn't.
The morning of my surgery my brother drove me to the hospital. My wife said she would meet us there. She didn't show up before I went under. When I woke up groggy and in pain the first face I saw was my brothers.
He had been there the entire time. My wife arrived about three hours after I was out of surgery. She brought me a smoothie and said she was sorry but her coworker had an emergency with her kids and she couldnt just leave her.
I didn't say anything. I physically couldn't say much at that point anyway. But when they discharged me two days later I told my brother to take me to his place. I did not go home.
My wife showed up at my brothers house that night crying saying I was punishing her. She said I was being dramatic and that she was there for me just not at the exact moment I wanted her to be. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty for being a good person.
I told her I wasn't punishing anyone. I said I needed to recover somewhere I felt supported and I haven't felt supported by her in months. I said she chose someone else over me on the day I needed her the most and I don't know how to come home from that yet. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Dude you were literally in surgery and scared out of your mind. That’s the exact moment a spouse is supposed to show up. Helping a coworker is kind, but not when it means ignoring your own partner going into major surgery. Your brother stepping up says a lot. Recover where you actually feel cared for.
NTA, she sucks. Hope someone's checking on the dog.
She missed your surgery. Theres no version of this where you're the one being dramatic. You woke up from a major operation and your wife wasn't there because she was at someone else's house. That's it. Thats the whole story.
You do know that your wife and her co-worker are sleeping together, right?
That's what I thought too lol.
NTA. You made the right move. If she can't see she did wrong and won't come out to say so by herself I would not go back home.
This would be divorce worthy for me. You took vows "in sickness and in health" and she broke them, and prioritized the coworker. I don't know if I've read too many Reddit stories but I'd be questioning if she's cheating on you with the coworker.
Ultimately though, if this were me, the marriage would be over.
Good luck OP, I hope you have a fast and easy recovery, and start feeling better soon.
NTA. If my fiancée needed surgery, I would be there supporting her every step of the way! I'd be there holding her hand and giving a "i love you" before she went into surgery, and I'd be there holding her hand as she woke up.
You were vulnerable, concerned about the surgery, and needing support from your wife. She didn't do any of that. She added to your stress and worries, and all because she's been prioritising her friend.
"In sickness and in health." She's broken your wedding vows, and now you are 100% correct in questioning your marriage to a woman who seemingly doesn't love you nor care for you.
Don't let her gaslight you into thinking that you were wrong for wanting distance from her as you collected your thoughts on her behaviour and lack of concern. Because she isn't the 'good person' that she likes to think that she is... She's a terrible person and a failure as a wife.
Also, to ask. Did your wife visit you at any point during those 2 days that you were recovering in hospital post-op? And why wasn't she there to drive you home once you were discharged? I'm going to guess that she was too busy being there for her friend rather than being there for her husband, who needed her post surgery.
NTA. Your wife is not prioritizing her marriage, and now it has come back to bite her in the butt. She must deal with the consequences of her choices. And you must be in a place where you feel supported, and are able to get the post-operative care that you need.
And that necessary care and attention, unfortunately, are not available at home with your spouse. Hoping you heal quickly, and that your wife comes to her senses, and puts your relationship first.