'AITA for not communicating that I wanted to go Dutch before dinner?' 'They were taken aback.'
"AITA for not communicating that I wanted to go Dutch before dinner?"
Hi All. I’ll do my best to keep this post clear, concise, and most of all, as unbiased as I can. My wife, brother in law, his wife and two sisters in law and myself go out to dinner regularly. I often foot the bill just to be nice.
It’s been quite a few times that I’ve consecutively paid the bill in an attempt to be generous. My siblings in law are just starting out with their careers and I am a little more established with mine. On one particular night we invited my brother in law and his wife to dinner and they came with us.
My brother in law had recently lost his job but the fact that they agreed to dinner made me think they were still good with their funds because they decided to come anyway. When the bill came, I told the server to split the bill. They were taken aback because they got used to me paying all the time.
My wife told me that I should have made it clear that I intended to split the check and everyone pay their own share before we went to dinner and that it was a d*ck move that I did not.
My point of view is that they shouldn’t have expected me to pay all the time and the fact that I’ve done it so much may have made them entitled to it. AITA?
The invite: “We’re going to such and such place at such and such time. You guys are more than welcome to join us if you’d like.”
Also I wasn’t supposed to know he lost his job which for some reason may have made it slip from my mind easier when the bill came. I didn’t look at the bill and think “eff him he lost his job but let me rub salt in the wound anyway” like many of you think.
Legitimately slipped my mind and I was reminded of it after the fact by my wife. I’m only human. But this aside doesn’t seem to change anything anyway. For the record they paid, nobody said anything at that moment and we parted ways. For a while I thought nothing of it until I heard they were not happy about it later with rhetoric that found its way back to me.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
WickedAngelLove said:
YTA. Gentle for you, but the fact is- you established a pattern of paying of footing the bill. So of course they would expect you to pay for it. And given that he lost his job, it's probably more of a strain for them to go out and eat so I do not doubt that they had expected you to continue paying especially now.
You invited them knowing he lost his job and then drop the axe of not paying. Your wife is right. You should have made it clear beforehand.
Own_Lack_4526 said:
YTA. You've established a pattern of paying the bill for dinners. You issued the invitation. You knew he just lost his job. You should have picked up the check as soon as you realized their confusion precisely because you didn't make it clear you didn't want to pay this time.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to split the bill - but after paying several times in a row, you should have been clear about it this time.
GroguFrogSnack23 said:
NTA! You should always expect to pay your own bill, and then be appreciative if someone else covers it.
Vanawesomeness said:
NTA..don’t go anywhere without expecting to pay your own way. Picking up the check most times is not everytime, they should have responded to your very casual invite with “thanks, but we are trying to save $$ at this time." This would have given you the opportunity to offer to pay or not.
TallLoss2 said:
YTA and you’ve done this to yourself. While it is generous to pay for several consecutive meals, it sounds like you’re doing that bc you feel you “should” since you make more money and not bc you genuinely enjoy taking people out on your dime.
This sounds like more an obligation you’ve put on your own shoulders. And now that you’ve fallen into a pattern of paying for several consecutive meals, you seem to have started to resent this obligation (which again, you kind of created), which led to you asking for a split bill.
How was anyone supposed to know that you were getting tired of paying for everyone each time? Did you communicate that to anyone? When everyone got to dinner, knowing you had footed the entire bill for the past several dinners, why would they expect this time to be any different?
It really sounds like you:
established a pattern of paying for them
decided you didn’t like paying for them but communicated that to no one
decided to stop paying for them but communicated that to no one
watched everyone eat meals that only you knew you wouldn’t be paying for
acted surprised when people were understandably upset that they now have unexpected expenses.
They’re not entitled to free meals, but you’re the one who established that expectation for them and then pulled the rug out from under them when the bill came (as opposed to before dinner, like your wife said, so they would be prepared to order food they could afford). The way you handled things was a bait-and-switch.
Jerseygirl2468 said:
YTA you often paid the whole thing, and invited them out right after he lost his job. I can totally understand them thinking you were taking care of it.
Fancy_Bass_1920 said:
Me personally no matter how many times someone may have paid for me I would not accept an invitation unless I knew I could pay for myself. Never assume anything. ESH. You should have told them beforehand and they shouldn’t have assumed.
Jerseygirl2468 said:
YTA you often paid the whole thing, and invited them out right after he lost his job. I can totally understand them thinking you were taking care of it.