'AITA for not congratulating my BIL on his IVF baby because he called his wife a whale?'
"AITA for not congratulating my BIL on his IVF baby because he called his wife a whale?"
My SIL and BIL (my husbands sister, and her husband) have just had their first baby after years of IVF. I’ve sent messages and spoken to my SIL to congratulate them both, but I haven’t contacted my BIL directly.
The reason is an argument we had a few months ago. While my SIL was pregnant, BIL made multiple comments, on multiple days, in front of the whole family about how much weight she had gained, calling her a “whale” etc.
Everyone awkwardly laughed it off, but my husband later messaged him privately to say that making fun of his wife’s weight (especially after everything they went through with IVF/pregnancy/baby loss) was inappropriate. BIL absolutely BLEW UP. He said he was just joking, that his wife knows he loves her.
He then turned it on us, accusing us of “using him” (we don’t) and saying we never make enough effort to contact them (they expect near-daily calls, we usually talk weekly or fortnightly, which feels reasonable to us since we have young kids)…among other hurtful comments.
His job is manufacturing items which are a hobby of ours, so we ask the best equipment etc. He’s difficult to talk to, doesn’t contribute much to general conversation, so we ask as a Way of showing interest in him.
When he got personal, I told him I was hurt that he thought I only reached out to use him, and assured him I wouldn’t bother him anymore and would just use Google/ChatGPT instead. Since then, SIL has asked both me and my husband to apologize to BIL, which we’ve refused to do since we don’t feel we were in the wrong.
When my husband FaceTimed to congratulate them, my BIL was in the background, but didn’t come to talk on the phone. He is a big baby himself, but now that the baby has arrived, I feel guilty for not reaching out to BIL directly to congratulate him.
But honestly, I just can’t face it after the way he spoke to us. So, AITA for not contacting him directly to congratulate him, even though I’ve congratulated them both via my SIL. ANY ADVICE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Congratulating her fulfills any social obligations you may have had.
NTA. She did the work of having a baby, unfortunately she had a baby with a baby of a man. You're right, he's wrong, no need to reach out to him.
NTA. BIL ITA and needs to put big boy pants on. He is behaving like a drunk 20 year old "fray boy" and not as a supportive husband or new father.
You offered congratulations to both of them through your sister-in-law. I think that was incredibly gracious. Your husband stood up for his sister, which is admirable.
If he talks about his own wife like that in public I can only imagine how he’s treating her behind closed doors. Especially now with a baby. NTA - but maybe ask how he’s behaving. She could be reaching out for help.
You have no obligation to congratulate him. You've sent congratulations to you SIL on the birth, so that's fine. I'm sure you would have said congratulations to you all etc. All done!
NTA What he said crossed a line. I'm sorry it's making SIL's life a little more difficult, but he's the one that needs to step up, not you. I would not back down from this and require a real apology to speak with him again. (As in "I'm sorry, those things I said were wrong and hurtful" not "I'm sorry you feel that way" or excuses.)
His baby doesn't need a personal congratulations from the uncle who thinks basic decency is a personal attack. NTA.
You are NTA, BUT: Congratulations to BIL is a separate item from an apology. You can clear your conscience by doing that. Don’t fall for any bait to lure you into any other discussion / argument.
NTA don’t apologise to a man who thinks it’s appropriate to make those comments about his wife while she is pregnant with the child they have waited a long time to have. You don’t owe him apology he owes his wife a public one.
NTA. Your BIL needs to grow up first and foremost. You congratulated SIL which under the circumstances is fine. Besides, SIL is your husband’s sister so it’s appropriate. Your BIL owes you and your husband an apology and while things may be awkward, your husband maintains a relationship with his sister is all that matters.
Calling your wife a whale while she’s pregnant, joking or not, shows the character of your BIL. What else has he said inappropriate about SIL or others for that matter that we’re just ‘jokes’? Update, please.
NTA for sure. The core relationship is between husband and sister so they should take the lead. If it was a joke between bil and sil he would be bending over backwards to say how beautiful and amazing she is not telling your husband he was out of line.
No reasonable man would actually want anyone including themselves insulting his wife's appearance or thinking he had. Any offence to be taken is by sil not bil. What a clown.
If you're going to see them you're going to have to brush i5 under the carpet though. "Congratulations" to Bil will be expedient you can't visit someone and ignore them entirely. But keeping it bland and impersonal might be the best course.
NTA. I hope your SIL is getting lots of support. The kind of AH who would mock her for gaining weight while growing his child probably isn't the kind of guy that changes diapers and does night feedings.
Don't worry about it - in a year, they'll be separated. She might be apologizing to you.