Woman refuses to congratulate brother on his engagement while he silently tanks her credit. AITA?
"AITA for not congratulating my brother on his engagement?"
I 32F have an older brother 45M, we used to be very close when I was younger, but drifted apart in the last 5 years when I moved out of state with my husband. We both moved to having job offers and couldn't say no.
While I was getting my things in order when I was moving out of state, I noticed that I was still attached to a credit card that my brother had with both our names on it. And it had a balance of $5400.
He said he would take care of it and I would be able to remove my name from it. The credit card company said that, until the balance is paid off, my name will still be attached.
Well, fast forward 5 years later and the balance is now over $8,000!! My credit scored has gone from 802 to 612! I work hard and pay my bills to maintain a good credit score.
He on the other hand HAD a great job, and was left with an inheritance of 250K when his first wife passed away in 2019. He could have paid it off back then, a long time ago! He told me that he is getting married about 3 days ago, and I haven't responded to him.
I don't even know his fiancé, never met the lady. But now my mom is telling me that I am an AH for not congratulating him, when he is so happy after losing his wife. So am I the AH for that?? I think he's the bigger one to be fair.
A few hours later, the OP returned with more information.
Ok so let me add a little more detail. I haven't used the card in over 5 years. He kept using it, and making payments until he stopped Dec 2024/Jan 2025. That is when I started getting notifications about my score decreasing.
He told he closed the account and settled with credit card company to make small payments and that was 2 months ago. My score decreased again today. He has not responded to my text or calls.
I bought a new house and new car in 2023 when my score was around 775, so things didn't start to get terrible until the end of last year when he decided to stop paying this card.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You should have said: "Congrats. Now, where's my money?" Like, why are you not raising all sorts of hell over this? Why are you just letting him skate? You've let this problem persist for 5 years now.
Sure sure, he's an AH to you, but you are being an AH to yourself by letting him destroy your financial reputation in this way. I'd pay it myself and then sue him for the money.
waffles_r_lyfe (OP)
He has told me to pay it off because i and have my husband have great jobs and can afford it, but he literally had 250k and didn't pay it off even when it was just him charging this car. I know its not right and thats why I don't speak to him now but I just know he would've never pay me back if I paid it off.
"I just know he would've never pay me back if I paid it off"
That is why you sue: to compel him to pay it back.
Like, you are probably costing yourself more in financing charges than it would cost you to just pay it off and fix your credit. 802 to 612 will result in higher interest rates for you, and probably has.
This problem will never be fixed without YOU taking steps to fix it. If you take no steps, you cannot just put the blame for the situation on him, you will share in it. Are you the driver of the car that is your life, or a passenger?
Oh hell no!!! His audacity!! Do not let your mom bring you down for this. Your brother is a complete ahole for saddling you with $8k. If you have the money, pay the card and have a lawyer send him the bill threatening small claims Court.
Your brother seems to only care about himself. Maybe he justifies his selfishness because he suffered the loss of his wife. Which is no excuse for his bad behavior. I wouldn't think twice of no contact. If your mom wants to continue harping on it, offer for her to pay you back.
NTA. He tanked your credit and had the money to fix it, congratulations are the last thing he deserves.
I don't understand how you ended up having a shared CC with your brother… but if I were you, I'd be consulting a lawyer. You brother and mother are AHs.
waffles_r_lyfe (OP)
He helped me get my credit started when I was in College and so I would make payments on this card and got my score to go up. I stopped using it but the credit limit was 10k and I guess he would use it and pay it off also.
Until this year he stopped making payments and my score started to tank and I asked him WTF man?? He said he closed the account 2 months ago and settled on payments, but here we are 2 months later and my score has decreased again. I will seek legal counseling as well.
NTA. He choose to kill your CS over $8k. At the rate its going, you need to sit down with him and get your name removed from the card. He could get it to 10k 20k whatever and you would be stuck with it. For your CS to drop, he's not making payments.
waffles_r_lyfe (OP)
He even told me he settled with this company so he can make small payments each month and that was 2 months ago, yet my credit score keeps dropping.
ESH. I don't think you being passive aggressive is helping anything. You could just as easily have a straight forward conversation about your expectations on the debt and how it is affecting you, and then you wouldn't have to create additional tension for your mom.
waffles_r_lyfe (OP)
He was using the credit card and making regular payments, he recently stopped this year and charged it even more and stopped making payments. He told me he finally canceled the card and settled with the company. Yet my score keeps tanking.
We've had multiple conversations. His solution is "you pay it off if you wanna remove your name" which is not fair because I have not used it. Credit scored decreased more today and I am livid and he is not answering calls or text...so this is where we are.
Your brother is a liar and is very deceptive. He didn't cancel the card and settle with the company if he just turns around and tells you to pay it yourself. I can understand why you don't want a relationship with him, why you might be NC, and with that in mind.
When your mom complains you're an AH, you can explain he has defrauded you and lied repeatedly and that as you have no contact, you naturally would not reply to a message.
HOWEVER. Stop being passive in this situation. Get past the idea that paying off the card is 'not fair'. Consult with an attorney and then pay it off and sue him. You are probably incurring more financial damages than if you had to shell out the $8k to pay it off.
You may be able to work with the CC company as well; presumably cards are issued in your respective names and they will be able to see charges are associated with him rather than you.