'AITA for not considering marriage after my girlfriend got pregnant?'
"AITA for not considering marriage after my girlfriend got pregnant?"
To get things clear right off the bat, I 30M love my girlfriend 28F very much. We have been together for over three years now. When we got together, I made it clear from the beginning that I just don't do the marriage thing.
My parents went through a messy divorce that took years, I have already seen my peers and older mentors go through divorce, I just decided marriage wasn't for me. I also decided that I didn't want kids.
So when we got together three years ago she was on board with the idea. Less than a year in she moved into my house, we became life partners, I got her a promise ring, and that was that.
Two months ago however, her birth control failed, and she was apprehensive about the thought of terminating the pregnancy. I told her it's alright, I own my house outright, I can convert the spare room into a nursery, and we can figure it out. It's not what we wanted, but we can do it. I have a chronic pain condition so I'll have to really reorient my life around the new child, but it's what I have to do now.
Recently however, she has brought up the topic of marriage, and I told her my thoughts haven't changed, even with the baby. I own a home, am growing in my career in healthcare, and have a painful disability so the thought of fighting it out in court in 10 years if things don't work out is not something I want to do.
She said that it felt fine when it was just us, but she feels a little insecure being unmarried now. I said we could look into some options, (Domestic partnerships, wills, trusts), but I wouldn't get married. She said okay. We had a good night yesterday.
I brought up the situation to some of my female coworkers, and they said that my girlfriend seems pretty dependent on me and that I'm taking advantage of her naivety. I said that what we have is completely consensual and that I have been upfront from the start.
So, I'm confused about what there is to be taking advantage of.
Maybe I could get some alternate perspectives here. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'm not going to lie, I don't know how people think marriage is a bigger commitment than a kid!!!!! It's kind of insane.
right? he's gonna find out once that baby comes!
Feels less like anyone’s an AH and more like the situation fundamentally changed. You were upfront, but pregnancy shifts the risk and vulnerability way more onto her. Her wanting extra security isn’t coming out of nowhere.
Also for the record, they will have to go to court if they split anyway now because custody is involved. I'm struggling to understand why he's willing to do all the legal stuff behind marriage (wills, trusts, custody) but not specifically marriage. Kind of feels like stubbornness at this point.
Also, never wanting kids but not getting the snip?
Why get snipped when he can just leave birth control up to the woman he won’t marry even if she gets pregnant?
And the way he puts it, "my girlfriend got pregnant." No, idiot, you got her pregnant because you're too much of a wuss to get a vasectomy. I bet he didn't even bother using condoms.
Hey OP, YTA. Not only did she shoulder the whole burden of preventing a pregnancy, she's the one whose body and health are on the line before, during and after birth. You can't even sign a freaking paper to give her the necessary legal protections. What an AH.
Why do you think marriage is magically going to make things more messy? You've been together for years. You're having a child. Pre-nups exist. The child will have extensive shared costs so you will be combining finances to some degree. You already live together so finances are somewhat combined already. Having a child legally ties you to each other for 18yrs. It's more immutable than a marriage.
"Two months ago however, her birth control failed,"
And how about *your* birth control, OP? If you don't want kids, have you been using condoms every time, or have you had a vasectomy?
I never wanted kids. Snip -snip, bro?
If you never wanted kids why did you not have a vasectomy? YTA. Massively. Do you not understand how birth control works? What women go through on it? How often it fails? Or is the reproductive system on all on the woman to understand and manage even though if in the US, Has veritably lost autonomy over in most states? Get a vasectomy so she can get off birth control. Get a vasectomy if you don’t want kids.
And yeah, you have a kid in the picture now so legal documentation for things like health insurance, same names, etc makes it easier for her to feel she and the baby are safe. I don’t disagree with what you were clear about wanting.
I do disagree that you are holding ZERO accountability for how you failed to ensure that. If you love her and want to be with her, then don’t let your parents’ failure be your failure - because ultimately their failure was not being there for each other.
Again - no kids? On board. No marriage? On board. No vasectomy? You are willing to have kids. OWN your body and your choices. STOP putting this on women. You’re a selfish AH. SELFISH.
“her birth control failed” Hmmm. 🤔
Why was it all on her? if you don’t want kids, you both make sure you don’t make kids.
Technically NTA, but I can definitely see where she’s coming from. She’s living in a house she has no stake in, building a life and family with a man who can walk away at the drop of a hat and leave her in a horrible bind, not to mention homeless until she can find somewhere else to live.
I’m not saying you would, I’m saying that is a possibility she has to consider moving forward. Add a baby to that and those worries grow exponentially. I do think if you were so definite on the no kids/no attachments thing, then it would have been best to get a vasectomy.