'AITA for not covering my tattoos at home despite my partner's religious aunt staying over?'
"AITA for not covering my tattoos at home despite my man's religious aunt staying indefinitely?"
I (28M) have been with my woman (27NB) for 4 years. We share a small one-bedroom open-concept loft, split everything 50/50, and things were great until recently. I’m a freelance graphic designer who WFH.
I have full sleeve tattoos on both arms, a chest/back piece, and a few others all meaningful (memorials, personal growth, etc.) and tasteful, nothing crude. Due to terrible AC, I’m usually shirtless or in a tank top at home in summer; my partner has always been fine with it.
Six weeks ago, Her deeply religious conservative aunt (50F) showed up fleeing an emotionally toxic marriage. She has no savings and limited family support. My very kind, family-loyal partner immediately invited her to stay “until she’s back on her feet” no discussion with me, no timeline.
Aunt is visibly uncomfortable with my tattoos (views them as sinful), prays loudly, and leaves religious pamphlets around. I told my girl, I sympathize with aunt’s situation, but her discomfort with my body is not my responsibility to fix by covering up in my own home.
We never agreed to a permanent third roommate, especially one judging our lifestyle. I suggested helping her find alternative housing (church programs, DV shelters, other family). She blew up called me insensitive to trauma, said covering up is a “tiny” compromise, and accused me of pride over compassion and forcing them to choose between me and family.
We fought badly; it’s been tense ever since (short talks, backs turned in bed, awkward silence). She vented to friends, most of whom say I should just wear sleeves for a bit because relationships require compromise.
I’ve already adjusted in other ways: milder food, no late gaming, even attended one of her virtual church services. But hiding my permanent tattoos feels like too much like the start of a slippery slope (next my music? pretending parts of our relationship don’t exist?).
Why is the burden on us to change instead of the indefinite guest adapting or leaving sooner? I get the other side: aunt is vulnerable, faith is her coping mechanism, partner is torn. Maybe a lightweight shirt is a small kindness. But it doesn’t feel small to me.
I’ve thought about compromises like a loose cover-up in common areas, but even that feels wrong. Pushing for a move-out date risks major family drama.
AITA for refusing to cover my tattoos in my own home, or should I just wear a shirt and wait it out for peace?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
TheDirtyTurkey wrote:
"Compromise" none of them have "compromised" at all. They've just forced their opinions and beliefs, and what they want on you. Good luck, but it sounds like they're not going to accept or respect your boundaries or comfort at all. NTA BTW.
OP responded:
Thank you, I will have to figure out how to make them respect boundaries I set.
Slachack1 wrote:
NTA. Six weeks is long enough to figure out somewhere she can go where she won't be offended by your body.
OP responded:
Definitely did my part and now I gotta look out for me.
BrightFleece wrote:
You sound understanding and grounded. I think everyone's aware your partner and her aunt are being unreasonable and a little selfish. NTA.
OP responded:
Thank you for your contribution.
ItsRandxm wrote:
NTA. The very fact that you've been so patient with such a drastic and unannounced change is already impressive enough, and that you've made compromises beyond that. For them to demand even MORE on top of that is absolutely unacceptable. You have no obligation to help house someone, regardless of their circumstances, and especially not to cater to their every needs.
You're right, it's not even explicitly about the tattoos, it's about the direction that the situation is heading in. You'd be within your rights to not allow her to stay at all, and your partner would have no right to force it as they have, so it is not a "simple curtesy" to change your way of life to accommodate, it is an establishment of control over the household.
OP responded:
Thank you this is exactly how it feels. The unilateral invite + endless demands is wearing me down fast.
Luna3Aiofe wrote:
NTA, honestly your compromise of attending a religious service would, for me, already be a crossed line. How much pressure was put on you to attend that? Leaving pamphlets should also be a home boundary, very judgy and preachy imo. I will say, you recognize your partner is nb in the intro, try to stay consistent on that. Outside of that, you did nothing wrong.
Your aunt has trampled your boundaries and your partner is showing they're willing to do the same. Imo your partner is already trampling common sense relationship and roommate boundaries about asking first before offering up your place, and for an extended stay at that. You're already doing a huge favor by housing their tia, additional expectations on changing your lifestyle is too much.
NervousDogFartsx wrote:
Your concerns are valid and should be considered by your partner and unsolicited roommate. Just because this aunt was traumatized doesn’t give her a pass to be rude to you in your own home. I am concerned that your partner is not sticking up for you more. To me, the praying over my tattoos after offering her safety and security would be a breaking point for me.
That’s really offensive, in my opinion. If she isn’t comfortable with your tattoos, she should find someone else to take her in. It sounds like a good time to set boundaries on time limits. You can always find another place to live if your partner decides to live with their aunt indefinitely. NTA. Don’t cover the tattoos and be less accommodating as well.
Koquet wrote:
NTA. Your home is your shared space which means you have a say in it. If your girl told you that you are being insensitive then tell her she had been insensitive too when she took matters into her own hands and invited her aunt to live with you without a discussion.
Boring_ghoul_451 wrote:
Isn’t the compromise you having her stay for free? Maybe you should tattoo a spine and stand up for yourself. NTA.