'AITA for refusing to cut off my ex-SIL after the divorce against my brother's wishes?'

"AITA for not cutting off my ex-sister in law?"

My (32 f) brother (38) divorced his wife (34) a few years ago. During the divorce my brother asked me and I quote to "not speak to her during the divorce process so the court didn't think she had his family support" and that after "he didn't care what I did." So of course I cut contact as to not influence the process as they also have children and were dealing with custody.

A few months ago by and SIL reaches out wanting to see my children. Of course my husband and I allow her to since to them she is their Aunt. After this our relationship goes back to normal which my brother said nothing about. Fast forward 3 years and suddenly my brother is no longer speaking to me, even ignoring my children. I had no idea why, he goes so far as to avoid being in the same place at the same time.

I know I probably should have asked what the issue was but life got rough fast. I had a baby, who ended up in the NICU and I ended up having surgery during my c-section because my uterus was ripping apart. Husband had two surgeries. One of my kids broke their arm and had surgery. SIL reached out every time, visited us, and even offer help whenever we needed it.

My brother, who knew of all of this through family members including our parents, didn't even send a text. Finally I find out through another family member that my brother was mad that I still have contact with ex-sil and thinks I should have cut her off all those years ago. I tried talking to him.

Told him he could have just talked to me and expressed his feelings had changed, I let him know I was hurt by the way he handled things and that he's wasn't there during all those hard times because of this. I also reminded him that she is my kid's aunt and they love her, that I could take that from them after all this time.

He told me he wasn't going to listen to this manipulation and that my kids shouldn't even be allowed to know her as their Aunt. He still isn't talking to me because I refuse to cut off SIL. Honestly I feel like SIL has been more family to my kids and I than my own brother. So aita for not wanting to cut her off years later because he changed his mind without saying anything?

Edit to add: Brother and SIL divorced because they were no longer happy. They were fighting all the time and decided it was not healthy for their children or themselves to stay married. They co-parent great and are both remarried.

Also we grew up in a divorced family. Our parents divorced 30 years ago and are both remarried. Both parents maintained relationships with members of the other family even though they do not speak. So we were taught that divorce doesn't mean all family ties end.

This is what people had to say to OP:

CelticHipi1680 said:

Sounds like you made the right choice. They have kids. The mother of your children's cousins is ALWAYS going to be an Aunt to them. He may have had some hope of her fading into oblivion without there being kids, but, he's delusional if he thinks she can fade away like she didn't exist when she's the mother of his children.

CoDaDeyLove said:

My brother dated two of my friends and eventually married one of them. I told him when he started dating my friends that if/when they broke up the women would still be my friends. He couldn't expect me to end a friendship because his relationship with them didn't work out. He and the friend he married divorced after 10 years.

That was many years ago and she is still a very close friend. He hasn't seemed bothered by it, though of course I don't rub his nose in it.

OP responded:

Other than that one conversation where I expressed my feelings, I have never talked to him about her.

Tight_Corner said:

SIL is your real family, your brother proves that over and over…hope your family are all doing well!

Moemoe5 said:

At least you know one reason why ex SIL divorced him.

Expensive_College265 said:

Sometimes family isn't blood related. Your brother is an a$$hole!! You traded a brother for a sister which was a blessing in your case!!

ObligationNo2288 said:

What is the reason for the divorce?

OP responded:

They started fighting a lot and decided it was better to divorce because neither was happy.

And HorkupCat said:

NTA. Your brother is a bitter, bitter little man who can't let go of his hoarded grievances. It's a wonderful thing to keep a much-loved aunt in your children's lives, and to have such a supportive friend for you during your hard times.