'AITA for not defending my BIL for missing the birth of his daughter even though I missed the birth of mine?' UPDATED
"AITA for not defending my BIL for missing the birth of his daughter even though I missed the birth of mine?"
So, my wife (31F) and I (29M) have two kids - our older son and younger daughter. My BIL “Josh” (26M) has just had a baby girl with his partner “Brad”. On the day my daughter was born two years ago, I was with my other BIL “Dan” (also 29M) when he was hit by a car.
Understandably, he was in bad shape and I called an ambulance and his parents and his parents told me my wife was in labour. My wife told me over the phone to go with Dan to the hospital and that she’d be fine - she was more worried for Dan than anyone.
We were both at different hospitals (my wife at the local hospital and Dan & I at a bigger city hospital) and it culminated in me missing my daughter being born while I stayed with Dan so he wasn’t alone and I could keep everyone updated. Dan ended up making a full recovery with some physio and my daughter was born with no complications and I met her when she was a few hours old.
Now, Josh and Brad had a baby due in late August but Josh had a vacation with his friends booked for July (Note: It was a vacation within the country and within COVID restrictions).
Brad asked him not to go so close to the baby being born and I also advised him not to go, but he chose to anyway as he thought he has enough time. Evidently, he did not. Brad went in to labour while he was gone and his daughter was born without him there. Like my case, it was a few hours before he could get back to meet her.
The entire family is fuming at him because we all told him not to go on the vacation. He asked for my support because he thought I “would understand” and I told him it’s a completely different scenario and that I had no choice - and more importantly, my wife’s permission.
Apparently, he and his friends all believe that we (but more specifically me, because I should get it) are AHs because it wasn’t his choice to miss the birth, because she was born premie.
I think he’s the AH because there’s a huge difference between the reasons I couldn’t be there vs his reasons. I seriously don’t get his logic, so I’m asking you guys for some more perspective. AITA?
EDIT: I didn’t put this in the post to avoid any off topic questions or transphobes, but Josh’s partner is a trans man, not a wife/girlfriend/lady. I keep getting asked this, so baby was 5-6 weeks early.
My wife has two brothers, called Dan and Josh. They are brothers, not in a relationship. Josh’s partner is unnamed because as I said, I tried to avoid gender. Last edit, I promise. I’ve gone back and named Josh’s partner “Brad” to hopefully clear things up.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, and you better believe no partner of mine would be going on vacation if I were 8 months pregnant.
NTA, you nailed it in your post. The situations are completely diffrent and premature or not it sounds like the baby was close and he chose to go even after people warned him he might miss the birth.
NTA also it makes my heart happy to hear about pregnant trans men! Pregnant =/= women! Anyway you’re in the right and a great friend.
aitamissedbirth (OP)
Thank you for that. Hearing people assume he’s female just grossed me out (not their fault, I was vague). But damn, not all pregnant people are women, people!
Three and a half weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Well, I wasn’t expecting the response on my last post! I thought some of you might like an update and a couple of people on Twitter requested it. It’s a happy ending, you’ll be glad to hear.
I did send Josh this post and he admitted that he messed up. Brad has reported to me that Josh has well and truly repented. Their baby girl is now four weeks old and Josh has been on night duty since she was a week old. He apologised to Brad, for not being there for him, and to me, for dragging me in to it. Both of us forgave him, and it seems everything will be okay.
Their daughter is a happy, healthy little girl and a very vocal one at that. She’s apparently a big fan of yelling at her dads and not sleeping, so Josh is certainly receiving his karma. Unfortunately, she’s yet to meet her cousins and most of the family thanks to COVID, but we receive plenty of video calls and photos.
Brad also saw the post, and thanked everyone for their congratulations and support. He’s recovering well at home and he’s almost ready to start binding again as well as slowly returning to taking HRT.
I’m sure some of you will be disappointed to hear that Josh has been forgiven, but that’s just the way it goes. My niece will grow up in a happy family with two dads who love her, and hopefully Josh will never be so dumb again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
These two scenarios in absolutely no way compare.
I'm not upset at all that Josh was forgiven because it sounds like he understood he was wrong, took responsibility, and made it right with Brad. If Brad is happy, I'm happy for them. Congrats on the new family member.
aitamissedbirth (OP)
I’ll pass on your congratulations to her dads! We’re all overjoyed to have a new baby in the family.
Even if the birth didn't happen so soon, Josh leaving their pregnant partner (third trimester, might I add) alone to go on a vacation during JULY 2020 is absolutely insane. What the heck, man.
On top of Josh leaving his trans partner to potentially deal with the birth alone, where it was highly possible that Brad would need as much advocacy and support and possible to deal with transphobes and/or trans ignorant hospital staff in the maternity ward. That is the most shocking part to me.