'AITA for not defending my brother to my husband after my brother threatened his business?'
"AITA for not defending my brother to my husband after my brother threatened his business?"
I (32F) feel stuck between my husband (34M) and my family, and I don’t know if I handled this the right way. My brother (30s) has always been the golden child in my mom’s eyes. He has several kids but barely parents them. My mom (60s) watches his children constantly while he sleeps, plays video games, or just disappears.
Any time someone brings up how unfair this is, she makes excuses like “he’s just tired” or “he’s doing his best.” He rarely shows up to help, and everyone is expected to tiptoe around it. Recently things got worse. My husband owns his own business and works hard to provide for our family.
After a dumb disagreement with my brother, my brother actually threatened my husband’s business. Like straight-up said he’d mess with it. Not even in a joking way. Then, he demanded my husband return the furniture we had bought and given him. This was stuff we purchased to help him when he was going through a tough time. It wasn’t a loan.
It was a gift. But suddenly he was acting like we owed him something. So yeah - my husband got mad. He made a comment about how my brother doesn’t do anything, never helps with his own kids, and how my mom constantly enables him. It was honest. Maybe a little harsh, but not inaccurate.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t defend my brother because honestly, my husband was right. I’ve felt that way for years but always kept quiet to avoid drama. Later, my mom pulled me aside and told me I should have stood up for my brother. She said I let my husband “disrespect family” and accused me of changing since I got married.
She made me feel like I betrayed them by not taking my brother’s side. Now I feel completely torn. My husband is working hard, doing his part, and constantly getting disrespected. But my mom acts like I should cover for my brother no matter what. So, AITA for not defending my brother when my husband called him out?
EDIT- seeing a lot of people thinking I didn’t defend my husband, I left that part out bc I didn’t need judgement on if I was TA for doing that. My family and I haven’t spoke since this happened and I definitely had a screaming match with my mother after this happened.
People have a lot in common.
arseholierthanthou wrote:
ESH except your husband. The only reason your husband has any association with your family is you. He could otherwise cut your brother and mother out of his life at a moment's notice. You are the reason they are his problem.
So it's your responsibility to deal with them, not leave that to him. You should have been proactive in defending your husband, not leaving him to fight for himself. You have kept quiet about your brother's obvious problems and that silence has only emboldened the situation. The answer to 'he's doing his best,' by the way, is, 'then that's not good enough, and he needs to do better.'
OP responded:
I will definitely be using that last line.
CastaneaAmericana wrote:
YTA. First, you have let this fester for many years. Second, you didn’t actively defend your husband. Your brother made a direct, real threat to your livelihood—yours, your husbands and any future kids. You didn’t need to defend your brother, you needed to defend your husband. “I didn’t say anything” is not enough.
OP responded:
I left that part out- I definitely defended my husband.
ScarletNotThatOne wrote:
NTA. It was your brother who disrespected family by threatening your husband's business. Your husband just stood up for himself. About time someone stood up to your brother. Might ask your mother if it was OK with her that your brother threatened your husband's business.
And tell your mother that she let you down by not standing up for your husband. Because that's what really happened. The rest was just aftermath.
DesertSong-LaLa wrote:
NTA -- If you don't speak up you are also part the problem. Who betrayed Who? -- Bro disrespects his mom gaming & sleeping, threatening his 'family' via your husband/(yours) business, being a lack-luster dad.
If he could manage to show up in life like most of us he might gain clarity his false entitlement equals he's an AH. Everything your husband said is true. Mom is OK having your 'family' income destroyed due to his meddling?! Now is the time to tell her this then put it in writing.
strywever wrote:
Your first loyalty is to your husband. That’s what you agreed to when you married him. It certainly isn’t to your miscreant of a brother; nor to your enabling mother. I feel bad for your husband—there shouldn’t even be a question in his mind about whether you’d back him. Stop letting your mother manipulate you!
NTA, but you need to stop with the half-hearted effort for your husband and get solidly and assertively behind him. Your brother doesn’t need access to you or your life after making threats like that, and I’d give mom a long timeout, at least.
SalaudChaud wrote:
How can you possibly be torn? Your brother is a sack of useless items disguised as a human male. Your mom is just as bad - enabling him. You are no peach either.
You also enable your useless and horrible brother and have compelled your husband to assist, possibly by using the same guilting tactics your mom is employing on you right now, rather than stepping away from these idiots for the sake of your mental health and the health of your marriage.
Change your behaviour! NTA for not defending the indefensible. Y T A if you let these jackals continue to circle you and your husband.
pressluck wrote:
Your husband is your family. Did your mom go to your wedding? There's a lot of paperwork and vows you went through that make him the person you stand with in any situation. Also, his business is very important to your life, I'm sure. What does standing up for your loser brother gain you exactly? Be careful with your brother. Miserable people with nothing to lose are dangerous.